It’s serious and something I always thought was an act of cowardice, until recently.
Like the world says, “killing oneself isn’t a solution to any problem” I have always thought on the same lines until sometime ago. When my life went out of control and realization of being left alone with my little daughter in this big, cruel world slowly dawned on me negative thoughts slyly crept in.
Today I feel immense shame in committing, that there were several moments (though they lasted for only a few minutes) when I felt I wanted to kill myself. I know, even a split second thought can sometimes make or break a man then few minutes is definitely a long-span.
Before you panic or a bout of worry clouds your mind, be assured I have no intentions what-so-ever to do anything that would harm me or my little daughter. Neither now nor ever in my life. But still, emotions and bad feelings have the freedom to trespass our lives in whatever form they please.
Till recently, whenever I read about suicides in newspapers or news channels, I always felt those people definitely needed to think the situation through. Something or the other could have helped them, if not immediately but maybe gradually. If nothing could revert the loss they’d suffered or the pain life had gifted them with, there could still have been something that could be their ray of hope. Hope that there was more to live for.
All these pre-conceived thoughts seemed to lose their grip on my sane mind as this and this happened. I was shattered emotionally. With a bruised soul and trust torn to pieces, everything in life appeared blurred and hazy. The future felt fiction and love a myth. At that time, I decided to talk myself through this erratic phase of life.
I have thought about this many times. So many times that I have actually lost count of them. The gist of all the thinking I have been doing in the recent past is that the harm done to one’s self-respect is the main reason why people who face the world like a rock fail in times of emotional crises. Nothing makes sense and no-one in this world seems to understand what we are going through.
Depression tightens it’s clutches and positive thinking is nowhere to be found. Dull, dark and gloomy is the state of mind when such sinful thoughts bloom.
I’ll tell you what I did at all those times. I tried to think what I would gain if I moved on and ended my life.
~ end of all pain (both physical and emotional)
~ no more arguments
~ end of all struggles
~ end of all worries and tears
But in the process what did I stand to lose?
~ my precious baby, whom I had literally been blessed with for all the hard times I faced before I actually had her in my arms.
~ this beautiful life with countless opportunities that just need to be explored.
~ the gift of a supportive family (who are with me holding me strongly like a rock)
~ everything that I have been a proud possessor of till today (my educational qualifications, acquired skills…etc)
As this battle of thoughts continued a question that had been hiding in the corner raised its head.
Why do you want to do something so BAD and for whom?
The minute I tried to answer this one all the evil thoughts of ending my precious life flew in thin air. I was trying to end it all for someone who didn’t care for me. Leave a baby totally dependent on me to suffer in this big bad world only because someone betrayed my trust and no longer loved me. ~ that is absolutely foolish and selfish.
From that moment of realization till today, life has started looking promising. I seem to have regained my senses and though it is going to be very difficult but is definitely not impossible. I am determined to grab every single opportunity with both my hands, make the most of this life and fight bravely not trying to quit like a coward.
Song on my mind: