Choose to believe something good can happen. Expecting it to happen energizes your goal and actually gives it momentum. What you expect to happen, happens.
Continuing from where I stopped the last time.
When life feels aimless and nothing in the world seems to soothe, you tend to turn towards your loved ones hoping they’ll do something miraculous to comfort you. The same was my state for I soon recovered physically but emotionally I was still raw and very depressed. Everywhere I looked I would see mothers proudly carrying their babies. Even at workplace my ears seemed to filter all content and every word that would strike my ear-drum seemed to be about parenting.
I was losing it with each passing second, though no one would notice it if he/she didn’t know me personally. I am pretty good at faking smiles. I guess I should give due credit to my husband for helping me practice this art over the years. After all the emotional shattering
we I went through the only few words my hubby had to comfort me were, “it’s OK we’ll try again.” Thinking about it almost 2.5 years later those words don’t sound nasty or mean from any angle, but back then they’d only added to my pain. They had pinched my soul somewhere deep.
My in-laws weren’t worried a bit by the news and my hubby was pretty OK with it for he thought, since I was back to health, this wasn’t anything major. I think it was one of those incidents which had gradually started diluting my strong feelings for my husband. The flaking had begun the minute he’d shown nonchalance at that very important turn of my life, but I realized it all after a very long time.
Time moved on and global financial crisis brought along fears and stresses at work (though not to my workplace but it had affected my husband’s work-mates terribly). But no-matter what the world was busy worrying about, my number one concern was becoming a parent. Soon the pressure of having kids started mounting. From my in-laws, my friends and everyone we knew. No-matter what the conversation would start at, it would soon drift to hint that we’ve been married for a while and should seriously consider having kids.
Those subtle hints didn’t bother me a bit for I too had been thinking on the same lines. Things started getting bit uneasy when we were given frequent tips from my in-laws on how to get pregnant as if we needed telephonic coaching about the same. The conversations changed form but the theme remained the same. Sometime later I was a given a
hilarious serious tip, to eat sweet before going to sleep on a Wednesday, so that I would definitely give birth to a boy. Not sure if that tip would have affected the gender of my baby but it sure could cause my teeth to decay, hence I never stuck to the advise. Things were getting bitter by the minute.
I was being pushed to the extremes of emotional sanity.I wanted a baby but I was absolutely disliking the kind of thinking and the bad thoughts (of desiring for a boy instead of a healthy baby) people in my life were harboring. I wanted to fight the sick thoughts being poured on me, but then I decided to ignore them for the sake of my peace. I wasn’t trying to be an escapist, I had tried to talk about it but the responses made me chose the path I did.
All doctors say and so do all parents and experienced people too that avoid any kind of medicines during pregnancy. The first trimester being the most sensitive and important for its the phase when the fetus actually forms. When life wants you to learn by example life takes turns like mine did.One fine Sunday afternoon, after lunch I suddenly felt as if an insect bit my right leg. I didn’t see the insect but I developed an itching rash which in the matter of a couple of hours changed to a painful blister.The following week saw me consume antibiotics of all degrees just to end up having the pus filled blister incised and drained in the end. I had no clue I was expecting at that time.
The song on my mind:
14 thoughts on “My Pregnancy Chronicles #2”
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its painful to read ME.. a big hug to you.. you have paid a hefty price for the little treasure you hold in your hands now.. she would understand all these pain one day.. again a big hug ME..
I hope she understands the real reasons behind all my decisions.
Hugs Ani…thank you for being there 😀
Hang in there. Sunrise is just around the corner, I am sure 🙂
Thank you for the wishes DIC 🙂
The way you have ended your post is so scary 😦
I won’t keep you waiting for long
It’s unbelievable how crazy people can be about the boy child/girl child thing. Not that eating sinfully sweet desserts on Wednesdays is such a bad thing… 🙂
But seriously, I can feel the diluted, distant echoes of your pain in this post. Don’t think I’d ever be able to truly realize what the real thing might feel like but at least I can UNDERSTAND it on a rational level. Like I’ve said earlier, you’re one hell of a gutsy woman.
It seems like things are going to to get worse in the next post. 😦
Thank you CE for trying to to understand it all and being there …it means a lot.
I am so sorry to hear that you had to go through all these pain. I still don’t understand why people in India are crazy abt having a boy baby. I am sure your little bundle of joy pays you all your effort. tight hugs to you..
tight hugs back to you LF 🙂
Really really touching! must say, your daughter is very lucky to have a mother like u..very few ppl are as strong! 🙂 there must be many people out there, emotionally drained out yet unable to stay strong, and reading your blog is definitely going to help them in more ways than one..
I too hope the same 🙂
Welcome to my blog Nivedita
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