I am sure, you have definitely heard the famous saying, ‘try,try till you succeed‘. If you are married and didn’t declare you were expecting to become a parent as soon as you possibly could, you would have also heard the saying, ‘try,try till you conceive’.
I am not going to indulge in the usual debate, that it is the personal choice of the couple to decided when (and in some cases even whether) they want to have children and the society including extended family has no right to poke their nose in the matter. I am here to share how this saying holds meaning in my life.
When I got married, my husband and I decided to give ourselves and our new-found-togetherness some time to settle before we moved on to shoulder the responsibility of becoming a parent. Nothing unusual or different in that, seeing to the usual outlook of my generation towards career, ambitions and life in general.
Time moved on and so did we in our careers and life. One fine evening, around one and half years after our marriage, my MIL suddenly raised the desire to become a grandmother soon. I didn’t let the topic blow up into an argument or a discussion and without touching the sensitive cord the in-laws usually have for an issue like this I passed on the phone to my husband.
I am a person who sometimes goes to extremes to safeguard her peace of mind. That evening too I did something similar. I handed over the phone to my husband and moved out of the room to watch TV, so that nothing from their talks might enter my system and disturb its peaceful state.
The call ended soon and my husband joined me in watching TV. Nothing unusual happened and I soon forgot all about it. Around a couple of months later, a similar episode happened but this time it was after dinner time. I didn’t leave the room and moved on to read my book and my husband continued talking on the phone. Hardly two minutes had elapsed and I heard my husband say, ‘we are trying since we got married, something will happen the day God will want it to happen’. On hearing this, I slammed the book shut and tried to tell my husband to speak the truth, that we weren’t trying at all.
My husband waved a hand in action to stop me from saying anything while the call was on. I decided to stay calm till the call ended. There was a five minute pin-drop silence when the call ended, then my hubby decided to do the talking. He told me,’ his family will stay happy with the idea that we are trying for a baby and what we do sitting so far is upto us’.
Outright unacceptable and betrayal of faith that the family rested on us, but my husband strongly argued against telling my in-laws that we had no plans of extending our family in near future. The outcome of all this mess was as expected. In no-time my MIL started pouring on us (especially me, for my husband would hand me the phone saying it’s something for your good, so hear it) with countless tips and tricks of falling pregnant.
As if we needed to be taught as to how babies are made, but still I would get a brief and sometimes a long lecture on the topic. As time passed I had no patience left to tolerate the non-sense that was gradually stealing my peace of mind. But all my husband had to say was, ‘If mom is asking you to eat sweet on a few days before sleep or fasting on certain days, it’s her care and concern. Don’t get irritated and do as you please, but don’t break her heart by saying we aren’t trying.‘
The outcome being, the tips soon changed form to a constant push on seeing a gynecologist as soon as possible for (according to them) we definitely needed medical help. Afterall, we had been married for full three years by then. Then came the day when I actually had the good news to tell my dying-in-stress-to- become-grandparents-in-laws but the outcome was shockingly different and the rest is history.
When I look back and think of the things that seriously went wrong in my marriage, all these incidents that looked unimportant and very small at the time actually added up and laid the foundation of what stands today as a broken relationship, an unsuccessful marriage and a trampled heart.
The song on my mind:
The Era I Lived In 
how i landed here is a different story, but after reading some of your posts, i congratulate you on being such a courageous woman. hope you imbibe that virtue in your daughter and hope she grows up loving you the way she does now and being proud of you…
also, i would like to extend my good wishes… may god gives you all you deserve and wish…and much more…
god bless you…
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Thank you for the wishes Pradip..hope to hear from you often 🙂
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You’re right….it’s the small things we keep telling ourselves we’ll learn to live with or forget, that add up and lead to a broken relationship in the end. I was totally against the idea of hiding who I really was from my ILs as well, and THEY were pissed that I wasn’t even making an effort, that I wasn’t even pretending in order to keep them happy, that I didn’t CARE enough whether I was well-liked by them, that I decided to show them my true colors and expect them to make peace with it. Well, duh! 😀
Thanks for the lovely song at the end!
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It takes a lot of courage to stand by your principles against all the odds and un-supportive family members…I salute you for being strong and determined, a motivation for all of us.
I am glad you enjoyed the song 😀
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ooh yeah. I am going through the lecture phase now. People around are asking when we will give the good news!! Sometimes I think of answering the oldies as “You are not going to change the diaper for my baby or clean her/his ass right? Why bother”. Totally annoying phase!! Phew!!
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I hope you get through this tough phase peacefully
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Haha! Someone here who thinks like me 🙂
I said something like this directly to a particularly nosy Aunt of the Partner and it shut her up right and proper! Certain women of a certain vintage think it is their birth right to inquire about the reproductive plans of young people!
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That’s the spirit girl 🙂
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the 4th day of our wedding,when we were at his home,my MIL shows me our niece (40 days old then) and tells that next year she wants a baby like that from me.. 🙂
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4th day 😯 😯
That’s way too much
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Now that I am married and all, I can so relate to what you wrote in this post. Its not even 2 months of me getting married and I have already started getting all those advises and tips..
Hugs.. Many hugs
I have missed so much in this space.. How is Pari doing?? Give her my hugs and kisses.,.
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Pari is doing fine Tharani…thank you for asking and so good to see you back
I can imagine your state…but forget all the crap and have a great time 😉
Hugs and kisses from Pari
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i was asked abt a baby within 6 months of marriage – i kid you not….However, the difference being that the husband was always a partner to my “crime” though i believe his folks thought it is all my decision not to have a kid!
Have blogged about this on a lighter vein – http://dropzofjupiter.wordpress.com/2010/11/16/the-deadly-duo/
All us married women are subject to this aint we
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You guys were indeed a deadly duo 😆
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I am very blunt sometimes I would have told my in laws to try it themselves if they are so desperate to have a baby in the house..
I find it weird that how cum its anyone’s business other than the couple of when and how to go about it…
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That’s the spirit…we need to learn to be blunt to protect our rights and to cut the crap short
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I guess everyone who is Indian and married goes through this *rolls eyes* but its always so irritating..now that I have R who is almost 3.5, I have ‘hints’ how to have a second child and whats an ideal age difference blah blah blah!
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hints on how to have a second child 😯 😯 aren’t those people aware that you already have R and would definitely be aware of the process 😉 😉
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Yeah, I don’t understand why people poke their nose into such personal matters like this.
In my case, my husband had declared to his parents that we will go for a child when both of us are prepared for it. Till then, if the urge for a baby was irresistible in them, they could as well give it a shot. 😀
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A supporting spouse can be sooooooooo helpful in a situation like this 🙂
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I have been constantly going through this nagging too…but now learnt to ignore and listen to selective advice!!
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that’s the trick that helps keep ones peace of mind in such situations 😀
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funny how people assume that marriage means baby in immediate future..
after my marriage, DH asked his mother to visit us sometime (it was within a month of marriage) and she asked him and later to me if we are expecting…
I travelled overseas within 2-3 months of marriage (work) so DH was in India and I was many miles away…. MIL used to say now I should start thinking of having family…. I used to wonder let us stay together atleast and then make this comment….koi jado hoga kya, jab dono itni door hain 🙂
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The MILs definitely believe in magic and miracles 😉 😆
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When these kind of sudden expectations arise, nothing can be done. Either tell them the truth and hurt them or cook up stories (like your hubby) to satisfy them. The latter is not going to buy enough time, so its better to let them know the truth.
In any Indian marriage, people just want the couples to pop-out the baby immediately.. I don’t know how 😐 like we are the baby making machines… and I cant say how irritating it is to hear all the gyaan… they feel like they hold a PHd in bringing out babies, and its their responsibility to shed some light on others too.. Cant get these people….
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absolutely GB
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