Facts about marriages with no demand for dowry #2

If you’ve missed the story so far, please read the part-1 before continuing.

Some time back, I had asked my readers to answer, What is the true essence of a marriage? I got a variety of replies. The reason behind my question and my own beliefs will come to fore as you read this series further.

From the start, I have believed that marriages are basically the bonding of two individuals who lovingly accept the responsibility of respecting the emotional values and attachment each partner holds for the family they have been a part of.

My belief was shaken when my husband declared that his family held most importance for him in the entire world and since after marriage I will be a part of the family I better mingle well and become one of them. I know it could be put in better words, explained in refiner terms but that was what has been pushed down my throat, no matter how difficult it was for me to swallow.

Fine. I was part of the family, so far so good. My husband stood by the family virtues of demanding dowry in unison with other members. But when it came to respecting me as a part of the family, marriage became a bond of two individuals, where his family had its own sweet will to love or respect me if they please. The changing colors of chameleon became visible to me over time, else I would have never committed the blunder of going overseas to live with this man.

The old values of ‘things will get OK with time’ made me give my brand-new marriage a chance. I wanted to let my husband have a life with me, know me personally and then decided if he still stood by what he did in the initial days of our marriage. I did just that.

As time moved on the issue of clothes (sarees, etc. gifted to my in-laws) slowly started shifting to gold gifted in the wedding. I guess I forgot to mention, that my elder sis-in-law had demanded zardozi work salwar kameez to be gifted to her along with sarees. The outcome, the clothes she’d received were thrown on my face ( literally) in the presence of my husband and my MIL saying she deserved something heaps better( explained to me as costing more than 6 to 7 thousand rupees each).

I have no clue what made me swallow the pain and cruelty behind these actions, but I did without a word. Under such circumstances, I took a life-changing decision to take all my gold with me. That was the trigger of the fight that never ended and had a massive impact on all our lives.

I wanted to keep my gold belongings with me to wear them whenever I pleased. More so, I could no longer trust these people with the jewelry I had bought keeping in mind my life overseas and matching my wardrobe. Anyhow, my husband was strongly against the idea for he wanted all precious items including my sarees and gold of every sort (including daily wear earrings, rings etc.) to stay with his parents. He argued they’ll keep them safely and the gold will be of use in case his mom etc wanted to wear them, after all, it belonged to the family now. Besides, there won’t be any need to wear any jewelry while overseas.

The minute this argument ensued, my in-laws made it an issue so big as if this very fight would determine the success of our marriage, for they told my husband that if he is a man he better gets his wife under control now and once for all. My sis-in-law suggested that the artificial sets (imitation jewelry) she had gifted be the only set I should take along for safety reasons.

At one point in the argument, when I again raised the question as to why had they not let my parents know beforehand if they wanted money and gold so desperately, my MIL was about to spill the beans of their real intentions, just when my FIL jumped in and took control of the situation (successfully stopping my MIL from saying anything).

The MIL, FIL and the husband along with the elder sis-in-law tried everything they could, but I really don’t know how I actually succeeded in taking all my clothes and precious belongings along with me to my never-seen-before-home overseas.

Continue reading the next part

The song on my mind:

32 thoughts on “Facts about marriages with no demand for dowry #2

  1. *Sigh*…..I could have almost written this. I brought my gold along too and the entire length of the marriage, it was something we fought over. My ex brought it up every opportunity he got. It hurt to have to explain why *I* wanted *my* jewelry with me. I got most of my sarees along, too, except a couple that are still with his parents and those guys refuse to return them! (And it’s not even like they’re opposed to the divorce and doing it out of spite…..they wanted the divorce as badly as I did!)

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    1. It is definitely out of spite else why on earth would someone want to keep anyone’s belongings? I feel, whatever happens with our relations with anyone, we never earn the right to keep what belongs to someone else.

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  2. I think dowry shud be banned all together and if the girls parensts have to give presents it shud be money lumpsum BUT in a bank under the Girls NAME.. also i think the girls side shud have a condition that the guy shud be living in his own house and have a job .. and hopefully the house shud be away from the parents …
    if not that then there shud be a Tradition started that will have a Pre-Nuptial agreements signed …

    there are too many stories on dowry cases and it will never end till something drastic is done…

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    1. I agree on the need of something drastic to be done, though law against dowry is getting stronger than ever before, but it’s people in our lives that try to prevent the culprits by threatening the victim and her family about social stigma associated with a lawsuit.

      As far putting money lump sum in girl’s name, well I personally feel why should anyone do that?? When you’ve made your daughter self-reliant let her explore the world with her partner and earn whatever they please. The money if a large sum in the girl’s name again threaten’s the security of the girl for if the in-laws turn out to be greedy, they’ll do anything to get that money.

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  3. Fight for existence…Thats the motto..Read the latest post from AT and that too speaks about the fight her mom had in her days’..Am sure i wudnt have had the courage like you did….

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  4. You did the best thing to take all your belongings with you. Jewellery was gifted by your parents to you,how come it becomes family asset,when it’s given to you in your wedding…you did exactly the right thing !

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    1. My inlaws have always believed that w.e.f. the marriage date everything that I and my parents own now belongs to their son and hence to them as well. When we have such disgusting people in question, they can think and do almost anything.

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  5. I could swear this is the story of my mother with few details changed…..she fought with her in-laws to come and stay with my dad(he was in IAF)…. Sigh…..
    how sick of your SIL to throw clothes in your face…..

    Hugs Era…. Past is gone but I wish you a bright and happy future….

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  6. And they thought it was their right to demand that you leave YOUR jewelery with them? Another excuse given is that the young bride is too young to look after her own jewelry or even to wear and manage it all.
    I read about how in many families the same jewelery is gifted to all the daughters in law and then if required, given away to the sister in law in her dowry!

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  7. I don’t know why husbands can never stand up for their wife in front of their parents. A girl who leaves her everything…who adjusts with unknown people, who changes her complete lifestyle for you….you can’t even stand up for her…
    Yes even for my hubby his family comes first…and his family doesn’t include me…what a paradox… 😦

    Waiting for the next part…..

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  8. Please tell me that you have your jewellery with you. And I must say you have definitely believed a lot in the goodness of people that you have given the benefit of doubt to that lousy sister-in-law and the mannerless father-in-law. You gave them another chance inspite of their callous behaviour.

    I must say that you come across as an assertive person with head placed firmly on your shoulders. If only the man had supported you, you could have seriously kicked all your in-laws’ ass.

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  9. I think the red flag was out when the day after marriage they started complaining how the gifts were “not good enough”.

    What is it with us women who hang onto bad marriages so patiently hoping that someday the patience will eventually make it better? We give ourselves hope and cling on, only making ourselves suffer 😐

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    1. @ Ashwathy: It’s really tough to move out flat two days after you got married when you’ve had you and your family doing hundreds of official formalities to get that damn visa to go overseas 😦

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  10. I cannot believe they expected you to leave your jewellery with them!!! And they wanted to wear it too? And I hate it how so many men out there refuse to stand up for their wives/girlfriends in front of their parents? Parents are not always right. Parents don’t always know best. If you are starting a life with someone…making a commitment to them…you must be willing to stand up for them too! Argh!!!

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  11. When they are so desperate on money/gold, it’s implied that they wanted to keep of them, and USE them! And why do married men not standup and support their wife in front of their parents! If they cannot, they shouldn’t get married! It’s good you took all your jewellery with you! You wear it or not, that’s none of their business!

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