I surprise myself every single day. Sometimes by my reactions, sometimes by my actions, sometimes by my agitation over trivial issues, at other times by my patience when I expect my temper to shoot.
I recently spoke to my husband after a long time. He wanted to convince me that he loved me unconditionally and was dying for me and Pari to come back in his life. Initially the conversation refused to roll, but when it did, it touched various forbidden shores like flood waters breaking down many barriers.
I was irked at the sound of his voice, the very voice which once used to mesmerize me and transport me to an altogether different world where nothing but fantasy and romance rules. Though this irritation was normal in our current circumstances, but what followed was no-where close to what I had ever imagined.
My voice didn’t change pitch even once, neither did I get emotional despite the high-pitched emotional drama by the master himself. Though all the issues have been talked, debated and argued over many times till date, but still each time I speak to him, I learn a new lesson.
Though the emotional facade didn’t impress me and neither did his endless claims to be madly in love with me budge my determination, instead it brought to fore another secret I had never thought existed. After many discussions I have had on this blog, I had come to believe that someday when my husband will confess how much he misses me in his life, how miserable he feels after what has happened I’ll feel good and peaceful. All the pain will appear fading and life will once again look more promising with the feeling of karma getting back at him.
I was sadly mistaken. That point has come in my life more than once, but there is no good feeling in my heart. I do not feel the joy I hoped I would enjoy once anything on these lines will happen. What’s wrong? Why am I not happy to see him in pain? Why don’t I rejoice that the hurt isn’t one-sided? Why isn’t there any peace in seeing him miss me in his life?
I have been working non-stop on this endless string of questions. Though I didn’t seek any concrete replies but I have come up with a few important revelations. My happiness isn’t dependent on my husband’s miseries, for I am not a sadist like him. I was able to control my emotions effectively because I am no longer attached to him in any way. The relationship exists only on paper and no-where else in my system. The other truth that underlies it all is he was lying about most of the things he said. I think it’s the knowledge of the facts that are very different from his claims of innocence and unconditional love for me that help me stay unmoved.
I now think I will feel peaceful the day I will be free of the shackles of this relation completely. My mind and soul are free of him already. Ever since these things have become clear I feel good because all this betrayal has failed to turn me into a revengeful beast. I just want him to leave me and my daughter at peace and I am happy to do the same with him, once I seek justice and rightful custody of all my belongings.
I think, having the basic human values intact after suffering setbacks is in itself a big achievement. Like every other day, today too I wish to end this chain of thoughts with a prayer for peace of my mind, for that is one thing I desperately need.
The song on my mind: Keh do Ek baar sajna ~ Mrityudand