In search of peace

I surprise myself every single day. Sometimes by my reactions, sometimes by my actions, sometimes by my agitation over trivial issues, at other times by my patience when I expect my temper to shoot.

I recently spoke to my husband after a long time. He wanted to convince me that he loved me unconditionally and was dying for me and Pari to come back in his life. Initially the conversation refused to roll, but when it did, it touched various forbidden shores like flood waters breaking down many barriers.

I was irked at the sound of his voice, the very voice which once used to mesmerize me and transport me to an altogether different world where nothing but fantasy and romance rules. Though this irritation was normal in our current circumstances, but what followed was no-where close to what I had ever imagined.

My voice didn’t change pitch even once, neither did I get emotional despite the high-pitched emotional drama by the master himself. Though all the issues have been talked, debated and argued over many times till date, but still each time I speak to him, I learn a new lesson.

Though the emotional facade didn’t impress me and neither did his endless claims to be madly in love with me budge my determination, instead it brought to fore another secret I had never thought existed. After many discussions I have had on this blog, I had come to believe that someday when my husband will confess how much he misses me in his life, how miserable he feels after what has happened I’ll feel good and peaceful. All the pain will appear fading and life will once again look more promising with the feeling of karma getting back at him.

I was sadly mistaken. That point has come in my life more than once, but there is no good feeling in my heart. I do not feel the joy I hoped I would enjoy once anything on these lines will happen. What’s wrong? Why am I not happy to see him in pain? Why don’t I rejoice that the hurt isn’t one-sided? Why isn’t there any peace in seeing him miss me in his life?

I have been working non-stop on this endless string of questions. Though I didn’t seek any concrete replies but I have come up with a few important revelations. My happiness isn’t dependent on my husband’s miseries, for I am not a sadist like him. I was able to control my emotions effectively because I am no longerย attachedย to him in any way. The relationship exists only on paper and no-where else in my system. The other truth that underlies it all is he was lying about most of the things he said. I think it’s the knowledge of the facts that are very different from his claims of innocence and unconditional love for me that help me stay unmoved.

I now think I will feel peaceful the day I will be free of the shackles of this relation completely. My mind and soul are free of him already. Ever since these things have become clear I feel good because all this betrayal has failed to turn me into a revengeful beast. I just want him to leave me and my daughter at peace and I am happy to do the same with him, once I seek justice and rightful custody of all my belongings.

I think, having the basic human values intact after suffering setbacks is in itself a big achievement. Like every other day, today too I wish to end this chain of thoughts with a prayer for peace of my mind, for that is one thing I desperately need.

The song on my mind: Keh do Ek baar sajna ~ Mrityudand

42 thoughts on “In search of peace

  1. You said it all when you said ‘having the basic human values intact after suffering setbacks is in itself a big achievement’

    I hope peace and calm comes to your life soon and you get to move on. Hugs!

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  2. Emotional turmoils are a part and parcel of my life. and so are betrayals. But yet, it has not managed to turn me into an evil person. I cant and will not take revenge ever. I will not lie by saying that I do feel that they should go through the same and plans form in my head, but the next second, my thought process turns into a strict no and that how could I think of that. I have learnt one thing. I can be a little mean, but not cold-hearted.

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  3. My guess is that you have reached a stage where you are indifferent to him. As it is you know he is lying. Even if he weren’t, his remorse comes much too late at a point where you have suffered more than your share. Sorry, life just doesn’t work that way.

    It reminds me of one my earlier relationships where my then-boyfriend dumped me becoz his parents wouldn’t want him to marry a girl coming from a broken home, and he didn’t even have the guts to open his mouth and tell his parents that he was in a relationship with me. He went on to get married through the “arranged marriage” way. Years later when we caught up on chat, he was all apologetic and remorseful, berating about how I was the best thing that happened to him and he didn’t realize it then, and that now he was in an unhappy marriage.

    I thought I would feel happy that I finally heard it from the horse’s mouth that he missed me. But strangely, I felt NOTHING. Maybe because I wasn’t sure to what extent he was lying. And the other thing was, the apology came way too late. Your post reminded me of that incident ๐Ÿ™‚

    Be glad you don’t feel anything for him. You seem to be moving on, and your brain certainly knows to rationalize well because you didn’t go down the emotional route on hearing from him.

    Kudos to you, girl ! You’ll be fine. Hang in there! ๐Ÿ™‚ Hugs!

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    1. Thank you Ashwathy for sharing your personal experience…it gave me a lot of clarity and insight that what I am feeling actually makes sense.
      Thank you for being there sweetie….Hugs!

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      1. I so second aswathy…Relationships are quite strange. They make us happy or sob,help us open up,and then show us the real ‘US’…But how much ever someone tells,we only learn it the hard way..Ur posts show that you are not muddled up anymore..You have so much strength inside and god bless it stays that way. Pari’s upbringing definitely needs a lot of that. May god bless both of you

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  4. hmmm realtionships are funny, and human beings are funny too.. even though the relation is over at one time you cared for him, love was there.. IT is that which is not making it happen, that you would feel elated or happy hearing what he has missed.

    and GOOD people dont have their happiness dependent on others misery, I have learnt that myself too, I feel that people meet their kind soon and what they do to us when it happens to them they will learn

    these people dont have basic human values , at least in all this turmoil and time of of bad phase we found out at lest we have those basic human values.. which are very important..

    I had so much poison in myself and I still do but inspite of making life hell for the one who did this to me , I dont even think about her anymore , waste of space.. there will be a time in life when they will sit and CRY like hell and they will go to hell .. thats what i beleive in ..

    Take care and SMILE ๐Ÿ™‚ why waste time on them even to hate them

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  5. Prayers, wishes & lots of love your way!!!! Hugs dear!!!
    Sophocles said, “Fortune is not on the side of the faint-hearted.”..and I know you are very strong!!!

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  6. Apologies cannot be accepted if they came way late..sometimes we can’t give a damn about it, coz you’ve already gone through lot of emotions then. You are a great role model not just for me, for many women! Sending loads of hugs your way!

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  7. Loved this line – having the basic human values intact after suffering setbacks is in itself a big achievement

    You are a strong woman ME.Sending you and Pari loads and loads of love , hugs and Prayers!

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  8. This must have brought you a lot of peace. Relationships are strange. You suddenly realize that some people who had immense power over your emotins don’t effect you anymore. That is the time when you have officially “moved on” I guess ๐Ÿ™‚

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  9. Hugs hugs hugs. I have been in awe of you for the immense emotional strength you have displayed even though you have been through such a turmoil. You are free from the shackles of the relationship mentally. Hope the legal shackles also get released ASAP. You and Pari are always in my prayers Era.

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  10. Pingback: Frustration « The Era I lived in…

  11. I feel that relationships tend to do this to us. They make us giddy enough to take some stupid decisions and also strong enough to face the bitter results at the right time. And just like Robin Sharma all this is necessary for you to become the kind of person you are destined to me.

    Honestly we never realise our own strength till some thing like this happens shocks us. I am glad to see you too finding your ownself amidst this chaos. Happy finding!

    Love and hugs to Pari

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    1. I am totally with you on the perspective that every hardship we face today is in preparation for a bigger and better tomorrow ๐Ÿ˜€
      Thank you for being there ๐Ÿ˜€

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  12. Lately I’ve found so many inspiring people on the internet, thanks to IHM’s blog.

    I read your experiences over a period of time, and let me tell you that you are one strong woman.

    I also believe in self-preservation, and not letting bad experiences change your values or make you bitter. But it’s so hard to NOT be cynical after your castles in the air come crashing down on your head. About a year ago I found out that I was being two-timed, and broke off the relationship. To this day I get whining emails about how he misses me, etc etc, but I feel NOTHING when I read them. NOTHING. Not even anger, and I’m a short-tempered person. I was so afraid that something broke in me, but in retrospect I see that the cheating violated my basic values and killed anything I felt for him.

    Thanks for sharing your story, reading it meant a lot to me.

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    1. Welcome to my blog Thumbelina and for sharing your personal experience…it helps a lot to understand life and what all is going on when we have supportive people who help us grow by being there and sharing their own life-taught-lessons.
      I am glad to have you around…hope to hear more from you

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  13. Pingback: Beyond indifference « The Era I lived in

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