Beaten

Ever since I started my journey of breaking the shackles of the marriage I am a part of, I have come across many shocking revelations about the society we live in.

Those who have tread the path I am on, would know what I mean. For those who are learning the bitter ways of our society through experiences like mine, need to understand the thought process that goes on in the minds of people like me. I am a slow learner, but one who is slow because she puts in lot of thought in everything she does.

One common question I have been asked on many occasions by people who have been part of my life and also by those I have met in my journey in the past few months is, was I regularly beaten? It is not just a matter of being asked a question on physical abuse, but the disturbing fact of basing the relevance of seeking divorce on the presence of violence in the marriage.

The sad part of the story being, it is the question asked by 99.5% of the people who learn about the changed circumstances of my marriage. Unfortunately, domestic violence is the bitter reality of many marriages and even relationships for that matter. But, seeking separation can be because of a variety of reasons same as the abuse too can be in more forms than just physical form.

When I deny being beaten, I am labelled as over-reacting in my current circumstances. For the reason, that I am opting out of a marriage with a baby and am ruining my daughter’s future for the sake of my egoistic, self-centered, liberal views. These remarks sound insensitive and illogical when read in a post like this, but in real life well-educated people say them without any regret.

From my personal experiences I have come to believe, that nothing in the world is worth risking (let alone losing) one’s peace of mind, happiness and self-respect for. Under social pressures we might choose to stay quiet and suffer submissively, but the reality stands that our peace of mind is in our hands. In our heart of hearts we all understand what we need to do but the social set up and people in our lives weaken us by remarks and advises that neither mean nor make any difference in their lives.

I believe we have just one life. This one. It is up to us how and what we wish to accomplish in it. It might not be something big on the scale of prosperity, success or monetary gains but having lived a life with self-respect intact is itself an achievement. If we choose a life of freedom, sanity and peace it is our choice. No-matter who or what the people say, we need to stand by our belief. We need to be the change we wish to see in our lives.

The road isn’t ever easy. Neither was it in the abusive relationship nor will it be outside it. The contentment of at least having tried to change our situation and not accepting everything helplessly in the name of trying to adjust will go a long way. Not trying to break free and letting our spirit break is equivalent to suicide. The sin of killing our conscience, our true self just to please others. The others who are either unaware of our sufferings or aren’t bothered what happens to us.

I see emotional, verbal and physical abuse as crimes of equal intensity when involved in a relationship like marriage. Though emotional blackmailing or verbal abuse do not leave visible scars, but the wounds any form of abuse leaves pierce our souls far deeper than skin deep wounds.

This is not love. It is a crime. You can’t look the other way just because you have not experienced domestic violence with your own flesh.~ Salma Hayek

The song on my mind: Ek pyar ka nagma hai ~Shor

36 thoughts on “Beaten

  1. That very question says the level of most indian marriages. The level has dropped so low that anything a little better that getting beaten is seen as over-reaction. What about infidelity, blackmailing, emotional abuse, financial cheating? Are these not reasons enough to go separate ways?! And you are totally right my dear…peace of mind is the number one priority!! And in the end, all that matters is you are happier now, than you were in the marriage. So, to hell with what other people think!

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  2. Strong Girl…….Ignore Ignore…..In India, as per these morons emotional & verbal abuse are tantrums of a marriage so unless & until a wife is beaten black & blue she has no strong reason to opt out of the marriage….even sometimes after physical abuse as well, she is asked to ‘adjust’.

    I know these stuffs upsets but simply ignore….

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  3. I have heard a lot of people convinced with adultery or physical abuse alone as valid reasons for a divorce. Sometimes, alcohol too. In case of men, lack of progeny too.Personal space, peace of mind, fulfilment, companionship, trust and love are supposedly luxuries that can be compromised on.

    Why should anybody want to know why somebody is getting divorced? And comment on how correct or not it is? I give up!

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  4. ‘If we choose a life of freedom, sanity and peace it is our choice.’ – Absolutely. No matter what people say. No matter what your circumstances, there will be people who judge, people who question. What is important is that – you are the one in that situation, and nobody knows better than you.

    And people who really care for you, will support you all the way. Hugs ME! Hope these negative people get the message soon..

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  5. Vaish

    There are these people who always complain on whatever decision we make. If they can think so much about your future, why can’t they realise the amount of thought you’d have put into before taking this decision? In a society like India physical abuse or visible abuse is only considered! They don’t see emotional part of it.

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    1. ” If they can think so much about your future, why can’t they realise the amount of thought you’d have put into before taking this decision? “…..precisely!

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  6. Harsh revelations! It is true that people relate emotional hurt to physical abuse.

    “Nothing in the world is worth risking (let alone losing) one’s peace of mind, happiness and self-respect for” totally agreed.
    You are right when you say societal influences can make us go numb and we refuse to speak and continue to carry the burden.

    Glad that you walked out of such a life,you are a brave lady 🙂

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    1. Welcome here Anusha and thank you for sharing your views.

      Though I believe my married life and what I do with it is totally my private choice, but I am determined to share it all here to spark a thought process among people who are either in my shoes or are part of lives of such people. It is only after we read first hand experiences and views we think of things in a different light.

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  7. I agree. I know of women who are in abusive marriages and they are going through hell, even when there is no violence. Nobody else has the capacity to understand or decide what the victim is going through – and how much should be seen as bearable. A woman wanting out is enough reason.

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  8. In case of divorces,it’s always girl who is blamed for over reacting,too opinionated and too judgmental if ppl don’t find physical abuse in thr marriage. Ppl feel it’s ok to be in relationship unless the other person is beating u up..it’s rubbish..I agree with you we got only one life…and we should live it up the way we want..we should be the change 🙂

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  9. Being brought up in a physically abusive family, with a father who showed absolutely no love , mother who was criticised for even thinking about seperating.. i admire your courage for picking up the bags and leaving . Oh how i wish my mother could do it when i was born….but having said all that i would absolutely hope you are seperating for the right reasons… coz whatever else my dad did , i couldn’t cut off the relationship and still care for him .Leave if you have to, but let the leaving not be due to personality differences or minor egos that you can salvage ::)

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  10. Abuse, whether it is physical or emotional is abuse. Only you know what you have experienced in the relationship and what you are likely to experience if you continue with it. It is your life … Your peace of mind and Pari’s future are more important. People like to talk at others expense. Why worry about people? “Kuchh to log kahenge. Logon ka kaam hai kehna … “

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    1. Thank you for sharing your views lifesong…they mean a lot 🙂
      I am not worrying about what people say, I am just analyzing their behavior and the thoughts it sparks.

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  12. Gayatri

    I have been hopping over from R’s mom’s blog to read about Pari and also drool over the glorious food you cook. You have to trust yourself. When you close your eyes and think whether the decision you have taken is correct and you feel that the answer is yes, then that is what you have to concentrate upon. Its probably easy for the likes of us to advise someone else without going through the pain and self recriminations everyday but at some point of time if you know and believe you are correct then just remember that and move on. There are scores of people who will always have something bad to say but at the end of the day its your life and they are not contributing a penny financially nor a hug emotionally, so just ignore and concentrate on life’s blessings (Pari, your parents etc.). Good luck and hugs.

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    1. Welcome to my blog Gayatri and thank you for choosing to let me know you’ve been reading my posts 😀 😀
      Thank you for the supportive words 😀
      Hope to hear more from you.
      Hugs!

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  13. WTH, Why does abuse always has to be physical?? why not mental?? Infact mental abuse torture leaves deeper scars in a persons life than the physical scars which gets healed sooner..

    We all know you are a strong lady, just be the same and just “IGNORE” people’s comments. In places like India “DIVORCE” is a forbidden word and women are the one who are always to be blamed! No amount of justification matters and it is not needed too!

    Please clear off such thoughts/comments/people from ur mind and enjoy ur lovely time with Pari and her upbringing.. Tight hugs to u both dear!!

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  14. An understanding of your situation, as you mentioned, is possible only by people who have gone or going through it.

    All throughout this post, there is a movie dialogues that struck me…”people say,what do they say,let them say….” IGNORE is the mantra… these so called people do not loose even 5ps to ask questions or put out opinions..so they just keep on saying..and it wil continue as long as you are in our society…But be strong..the few people who care for you and wish for your goodwill will always be there for you….Good luck

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      1. pkj

        Yes u r ryt on ur way.İ m late to comment but according to me sometime over-reaction is ok tolrable,its human nature but abuse in any relationship is like a crime.Who is people ,those 60 to 70% among them also involved in that.Why they wory only about women in india?For the shake off ‘Soochana Ka Adhikaar’.İnplace of asking about personal life they can do there “Samaaj ke Prati kartavya”.Never support abuser whoever is insider or outsider,men or women.

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  16. To my mind, emotional hurts, passive aggression, disrespect, violation of basic human rights by anybody around us – a partner, a parent, a sibling or a relative – is domestic violence. I have seen so many women in such situations. They don’t even think that a mistreatment in a family means domestic violence. They don’t have the courage and the confidence to confront it.
    I appreciate economically independent women who stand up for their self-esteem. Social changes are painfully slow but ‘one step after the other and a beautiful journey is made’…It can lead to a thousand!
    You can read my views at:
    https://balroop2013.wordpress.com/2015/06/29/can-women-escape-domestic-violence-an-emotional-approach/

    Liked by 1 person

    1. The sad part is most women aren’t aware that emotional abuse is unacceptable behaviour, they need not put up with it for the sake of keeping their relationship alive and they have it in them to stand up against it.
      Normalising domestic violence, using its alarming statistics to support the claim that it is so rampant and hence a ‘normal’ occurrence in a relationship is the biggest lie we feed the women in our society.
      Thank you Blaroop for sharing your views 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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