“It’s not like I’m all into nostalgia and history, it’s just that I can’t stand the way things are now” ~ Novala Takemoto
I have been chipping down under the stress that was slowly starting to corrode my peace of mind. The last week has been a very painful one. Like always, I am back to my composure, back to my normal self. Trying to view the events of the long weekend in a clearer light.
No-matter how much I marvel at the surprising ways life has been throwing hints, clues and answers to the puzzled state of life I am in, I continue receiving more of similar hints and answers. The bottom-line being, I need to rake up all the questions I can so that by the time I will run out of all doubts, ifs and buts I’ll be healed and would have attained a complete closure over the current chaotic phase of my life.
Many people in response to my last post suggested (through comments and e-mails) that my husband has been trying every trick under the sun to frustrate me enough to break under the pressure. I must confess, I am aware of this fact for I know him inside out. Though I have been growing bitter in the past few days, but I won’t label my messed up, confused state as frustration.
The reason being, I am in no way holding doubts about my decision to walk out of this meaningless marriage. Neither am I wondering of ways to hurt or cause pain to my husband. Basically, there isn’t any reason for me to feel frustrated. Instead, it is pure, clean, plain anger in its crudest and wildest form.
I know this for sure, for I witnessed what frustration feels like and sounds like in the voice of the man in the story. My indifference, my composed state disturbs him to no limits. The kind of remarks I hear in response to my unshaken resolve to not give another chance to this marriage made it clear to me what frustration actually sounds like (in his voice). The saddest part being, the frustration he has been showing isn’t because he is missing his family life or his child but because his motives behind marrying me aren’t getting fulfilled in any way.
Conversations clear lot of cobwebs of self-doubt, that is why despite disliking talking to him I do talk to him once in a long while. I have to credit my clear thought and feeling much lighter to the conversation we recently had.
“Sometimes people who mean harm to us, help us heal and feel lot better in ways they themselves can never imagine. So always give your enemy a chance to speak but never a chance to sway your determination by their words.” ~ My Era
The song on my mind: Naam ada likhna ~ Yahaan