Feel Good

For tomorrow belongs to the people who prepare for it today

I have literally been struggling to seek answers, as to where my life is heading in the past many days. With the numerous bumps and road-blocks changing the course of my belief and understanding of the world around me, I think I have reached a point where I think I have an answer to my questions.

In the earlier days of my separation, I used to endlessly create a comparison chart in my mind. Comparing my life with that of my husband and trying to somehow justify that I am not at a total loss when it comes to life in general. I know it sounds ridiculous to read and trust me, I often felt ashamed of myself for thinking on these lines. But, thoughts ride horses with no reigns. They love to wander wherever they please, whenever they like it.

It isn’t about being in an advantageous position, for life isn’t a tennis match. It isn’t about feeling good that I am better off than him nor it is about counting the money we have in our accounts. It’s beyond this and trust me a state I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.

Since comparisons weren’t working and neither did they leave me with a good feel, I decided to think in-depth as to, what would actually be the point when I’ll be back to my free-from-the-past-happy-self. After scribbling several drafts and endlessly crossing out all of the items on them, I think, I have finally found the answer I was looking for.

The true, feel good moment shall come when I’ll stop thinking about my soon-to-be-an-ex husband and the life we shared, altogether. It will be a while before I’ll reach that point, it’ll be a tough call but definitely achievable. The ray of hope that re-affirms my belief of the possibility of that happening someday is, because I left my husband and our home hardly anytime after I conceived.

In short, I have no memories of my old home or husband (except a few very bad episodes around delivery time) ever since Pari was born. So I have no incidents to narrate to her that associate Pari with my soon-to-be-a-past married life.

The day I’ll be able to let go off it all, the day I’ll make up my own balanced life, settle with a job and all other issues creating turmoil in my life at the moment, life will return to its rosy, promising self.

I know that day is far from where I am, but having a clear picture of the goal of our life makes the journey easier and definite. I won’t be beating about the bush any more for now I have a clear picture of what I am looking forward to.

My interest is in the future because I am going to spend the rest of my life there”- Charles F. Kettering

The song on my mind: Akele hain to kya gham hai ~ Qyamat se Qyamat tak

25 thoughts on “Feel Good

  1. hugs ME.. not to question you but this might help me as well

    “The true feel good moment shall come when I’ll stop thinking about…” – Can we really control our thinking pattern no matter of the time?
    I totally agree with the point that “thoughts ride horses with no reigns. They love to wander wherever they please, whenever they like it” but I am not sure about how to control them though I would love to control for I can leave behind some of the bad incidents happened in my life for good..

    Or you mean we should learn to handle the thought in a better way?

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    1. If you consciously try to stop your thoughts from going back to certain incidents or memories, it is likely that these memories still have some kind of hold on you and your emotions. However,if you are able to resolve the issues and feelings which these bad incidents trigger, they would cease to have a hold on you.
      Then you would be able to let your thoughts wander freely wherever they please without the need for controlling them.
      Hope this helps!

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    2. Thank you Gaori for helping me answer Ani 😀

      @ Ani: I consider resolving the underlying issues before/ along with tackling any surface (as in evident issues) problems. The reason is until we cause the disease trying to eradicate it’s manifestations is just a futile exercise.

      Take it as a deep wound that will cause you immense pain when you are injured. As you will seek treatment the wound will heal, you’ll forget the pain but the scar shall remain as a reminder of the incident. That too shall continue to fade away as time moves on.

      But, if the wound is left un-attended it will only worsen with time growing into a non-healing, ever-painful source of infection.

      Same way, healing will take away the pain and will help you continue with live as if nothing ever happened, but eradicating memories isn’t always possible. Though those memories will fail to make you flinch with pain if you’ve tackled all associated issues at the right time.

      I hope I made sense and this helps 😀

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  2. ‘The day I’ll be able to let go off it all, the day I’ll make up my own balanced life, settle with a job and all other issues creating turmoil in my life at the moment, life will return to its rosy, promising self.’ Here’s wishing that it will all happen very very soon. Hugs. ME.

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  3. The true feel good moment shall come when I’ll stop thinking about my soon-to-be-an-ex husband and the life we shared altogether. It will be a while before I’ll reach that point, it’ll be a tough call but definitely achievable.

    You might still have the occasional memory coming in. But there will be no emotion you associate with it. Simply because it is so far in the past and you have moved ahead so much, it won’t make a difference 🙂
    You are already taking your baby steps in that direction. Give it time. Give yourself time and space to heal….

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  4. I am glad you have a clear picture of what you want in life. That makes it easier to work towards it. Here’s wishing you all the very best and may the day come soon that you are free of all these troubles that are there in your present life. Hugs …

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  5. Plenty of hugs.. Wonderfully written.. Sometime, we hold on to things without knowing that it is easier to let go.. While it wouldn’t be possible to cleanse yourself of all the thoughts abt the past, you’ll still be able to see many of them in good light and feel blessed abt how life has altered for good now.. Cheers:-)

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