For tomorrow belongs to the people who prepare for it today
I have literally been struggling to seek answers, as to where my life is heading in the past many days. With the numerous bumps and road-blocks changing the course of my belief and understanding of the world around me, I think I have reached a point where I think I have an answer to my questions.
In the earlier days of my separation, I used to endlessly create a comparison chart in my mind. Comparing my life with that of my husband and trying to somehow justify that I am not at a total loss when it comes to life in general. I know it sounds ridiculous to read and trust me, I often felt ashamed of myself for thinking on these lines. But, thoughts ride horses with no reigns. They love to wander wherever they please, whenever they like it.
It isn’t about being in an advantageous position, for life isn’t a tennis match. It isn’t about feeling good that I am better off than him nor it is about counting the money we have in our accounts. It’s beyond this and trust me a state I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.
Since comparisons weren’t working and neither did they leave me with a good feel, I decided to think in-depth as to, what would actually be the point when I’ll be back to my free-from-the-past-happy-self. After scribbling several drafts and endlessly crossing out all of the items on them, I think, I have finally found the answer I was looking for.
The true, feel good moment shall come when I’ll stop thinking about my soon-to-be-an-ex husband and the life we shared, altogether. It will be a while before I’ll reach that point, it’ll be a tough call but definitely achievable. The ray of hope that re-affirms my belief of the possibility of that happening someday is, because I left my husband and our home hardly anytime after I conceived.
In short, I have no memories of my old home or husband (except a few very bad episodes around delivery time) ever since Pari was born. So I have no incidents to narrate to her that associate Pari with my soon-to-be-a-past married life.
The day I’ll be able to let go off it all, the day I’ll make up my own balanced life, settle with a job and all other issues creating turmoil in my life at the moment, life will return to its rosy, promising self.
I know that day is far from where I am, but having a clear picture of the goal of our life makes the journey easier and definite. I won’t be beating about the bush any more for now I have a clear picture of what I am looking forward to.
My interest is in the future because I am going to spend the rest of my life there”- Charles F. Kettering
The song on my mind: Akele hain to kya gham hai ~ Qyamat se Qyamat tak