In my journey of healing after a massive heartbreak, shocking separation and unbearable betrayal I have come across many milestones. From thoughts of self-harm to accusations to hatred to absolute indifference.
These days I am sensing another change in my reactions towards my soon-to-be-an-ex husband. It isn’t about love neither about hatred but somewhere in between or maybe even beyond them both.
From countless sources information about him keeps reaching me. Though I dislike having to think about him, but keeping track of one’s enemy is sometimes an advisable move in cases where one’s life has transformed to a game of chess.
On all those occasions, I have never seen myself wishing anything bad for him. Though I do not care about him or what he does with whom but still the knowledge of being associated with him sometime in my life is reason enough for me to let him be. I have no intentions of messing up with him or anyone in his life, but I don’t want to harm him either.
This feeling has been amusing me from a very long time. I have been skeptic about my own feelings and have been asking myself many why(s) to this new-found reaction.
On all those occasions, I felt very strongly that the harm he intended, the betrayal I suffered and the injustice he did to my little daughter are beyond forgiveness. But holding the grudge and indulging in negative thoughts for him wouldn’t undo the bad done to me and my daughter.
There is something about feelings that I have always felt very strongly. Be it negative or positive feelings, they tend to breed very rapidly and engulf our mind, our actions and many times cause far-reaching changes in the outcome of our efforts. Having said that, I try my level best to stay as positive as I can manage and avoid falling prey to the negative feelings.
I am not among the saintly souls who never feel frustrated, agitated or cheated. Neither do I never get terribly irritated at life’s unfairness on occasions I am forced to face situations for which I am (was) never ever responsible. This includes my disturbed financial situation. But still, I just want destiny to teach him a lesson for his deeds.
I want to leave him at the mercy of the courts to grant me justice and to penalize him for his sinful deeds. Keeping my conscience clear, my mind positive and hands clean seems to be the hidden motive behind my actions.
I might be loathed with doubts, but am clear of one small fact that this could be cause of any reason under the sun, except, out of love. For that is one emotion I no longer associate with him in any form. Not even to the happy times we once shared.
The song on my mind: Tujhe Bhula Diya ~ Anjaana Anjani