Though I seem to have slowed down on the writing front, but the actual slowing is of the number of published posts. I have actually been writing almost daily only to end up leaving those posts in the draft. The reason being, I am so tired by the end of the day when the computer clock is saying it’s already 23:00 that I have no energy left to re-read all that I have been typing frantically, let alone find energy to actually publish my daily post. Though by the time I finally shut down my computer it’s already 01:00 a.m.
My day starts when the clock strikes 06:30. But the hours that I spent lying on the bed aren’t always the time when I am resting or even sleeping. I wake up almost two to three times every night, troubled, worried with an acid filled mouth as if someone woke me from deep sleep. I rush to check on Pari only to find her sleeping at peace. It is a
daily common occurrence.
The result being, I wake up tired as if I haven’t slept at all only to get back to the daily never-ending, ever-increasing chores. Sometimes I wonder if I should somehow break this routine and run to some place where life exists at a cooler pace, is stress free and I can live like I used to few years back. After indulging in such beautiful day-dreams I heave a sigh and return back to the daily grind.
Independence is something I strongly miss in my life. I have spent a lot of time away from my parent’s home. In fact, I stepped out soon after I finished school. Then college happened (that was in a different city) followed by my marriage and I moved overseas and after a long break of living an independent life, am back to the nest with a little one of my own. The experience is very different from what I had embedded in my memories.
It’s the same house, the same people yet something in me wants to be independent again, maybe I have changed from what I once used to be. It’s nothing to do with my life in my parent’s home for I am a free bird with no restrictions of any sort. Just like it always was. But still I want to be on my own. Earn my own money, bring up my daughter my way, have my own rules and many other things.
Though I absolutely understand that though this seemingly beautiful dream of independence can be a reality someday, but it won’t be without many ifs and buts that are invisible in my parent’s home. The minute this realization dawns on me, my wings craving to soar high can feel the massive load of the responsibilities I have and am back to the reality.
Though I cannot pinpoint what it exactly is, but, that craving to be free rises in my heart every now and then. Maybe the day the worries of the court case will end, I’ll be free or maybe the day I’ll get back to work will my nightmares end or maybe all these fears and worries will be a part of me forever. I don’t know what lies ahead. I have no understanding of what will make me happy from within. But, the longing to reach that point of perfect happiness is my driving force.
I’ll keep working towards peace, till one day I’ll attain it.
This is what I love about life, it’s unpredictability. Anything is possible and this very hope keeps us going. If we could see our future, life would end the very day it would start, for we all are mortal and have a similar end. It’s the journey of this unseen life that makes every joy, every pain, every worry add beautiful colors to the canvas of life.
The song on my mind: Kal ho na ho ~ Kal ho na ho