Reclaiming myself

The past few days have been so stressful that a sudden end of it all has left me with serious withdrawal symptoms. I do not intend to say that I am missing any of it, but, the stress built up during the past one year has refused to let go off me.

I am now so used to the high-strung life that breathing easy, lazing around or something as simple as enjoying the rain with a cup of tea needs conscious effort on my part. I feel heavy in the chest as if I am not able to breathe easy. Everything feels labored. Even smiling does. You can spot me trying to deep breathe every now and then in hope of pushing an extra volume of oxygen to my brain trying to keep it alive.

Sleep hasn’t befriended me yet. Spending nights hoping to get some sleep, only to be disappointed and scared by the demons of my past has only added to my fatigue. There are bouts of confusion, amnesia and mood swings making time tick at snail pace.

I avoid looking at myself in the mirror for the dark circles around my eyes and the strands of gray hair that I have developed in the past few months together with my pale skin make me look scary.

Food has lot all taste. Just this morning I made Pav-bhaji. Everyone loved it and couldn’t stop praising how tasty it was till the last bite, but to me it had no taste. The aroma failed to tickle the foodie in me. Be it food, music, writing, reading or even Pari’s pranks all have failed to excite me. I so often push myself to appear normal for the sake of people around me, but it clearly shows.

I have been loosing hair. I feel weak. My mind is frantically trying to wind up the mess my life is in as soon as possible. I have full understanding that all this is just a matter of time. When I have reached so far, in no time I’ll be back to my normal self. But it’s a painful state to be in.

Finding work is my top-most priority. Though I am not pushing myself too hard for I want to stay sane and not let the frustration break me.

I am writing it all in desperate hope that maybe sharing it will help me reclaim myself sooner than it otherwise would.

The song on my mind: Ae zindagi gale laga le ~ Sadmaa

39 thoughts on “Reclaiming myself

  1. Just writing to say that five years and a lifetime ago I left my husband. Five years later my life is new. I got my second chance. A second lifetime, a second husband AND a second daughter all unexpected beautiful second chances. I hope you find peace quickly. And after peace, I hope you find joy.

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    1. Welcome to my blog Kelly 🙂
      Thank you for sharing your personal experience and those much needed wishes..am so glad to learn that life gave you a second chance and that too a very fulfilling one
      hope to hear more from you 🙂
      Stay blessed!

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  2. That is the best song there 🙂 if I tell you that I am trying paneer stuffed puri from your kitchen archives, will that cheer you up ?
    You will only get stronger and happier from now 🙂 uh oh, that also inevitably means that Pari is going to get naughtier as well. Now, that’s something only prayers can save you ! 🙂

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    1. First things first…how did the paneer stuffed pooris turn out?
      I have full faith in your belief that Pari is sure going to get naughtier with each passing minute 😉
      Hugs sweetie

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  3. ME, You’ve been through a lot. And its not all easy to put it away. Take your time. Concentrate on your health – feel better. im sure you have even started your job hunt – so that too will happen soon… HUGS and All the best,

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    1. Thank you LLT for understanding my stand. You know life looks lot more simpler and manageable with friends like you who can get exactly where the other person is coming from.
      Tight hugs

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  4. You will find a job for yourself soon ME. Just keep trying. Everything will settle down. You have overcome a big mess in your life just wait for a little more time and you’ll be back to your cheerful self.

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    1. To be very honest Tharani, I am not panicking about getting a job at present for I want myself to get back to my sane self before plunging on to new responsibilities.
      I too am hoping the same 🙂

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  5. Ohh That doesn’t sound good,ME…end of any relationship or may be the finality of a situation is always hard to deal with..even if you have been waiting for it .. but things will look up soon.. you will find your bearings soon..Till then,keep writing..it will help you reclaim yourself..:)
    Remember its like being back in school after a long vacation.. you might feel like a new girl in a new school.. but you are still the same person.. just going back after a long time.. hope you feel better soon..

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  6. Satish

    I believe this is called Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)…even though the traumatic incident is over, you still have to deal with the toll that the stress of this incident has taken on your mind.

    Also, I imagine this is like a bereavement. You may not be grieving the actual separation from your husband. However you might be grieving the loss of the life you expected to have when you got married…the life you could have had if your husband had been a better person.

    Like every bereavement, getting over this also takes time. You might probably have to go through the different stages of grief before you achieve any semblance of normalcy :(.

    This is just my amateur opinion. The only thing I can say for certain is that you will definitely get over it. I’d suggest you look for some professional counseling to regain your peace of mind at the earliest and to get over the stress of the sudden change in direction that your life has taken.

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  7. On my mind is just one thing- nothing in this world is more important than your ownself..and that includes your hair and skin as well..:) Make a part of your head act mechanical- and do things like visiting a parlor, putting a face pack etc using that part. You do not have to necessarily feel happy doing all this,…but i am sure the end resut will definitely have a happy effect on you….

    loads of love and hugs your way!!….i am sure this is just the tail end of the story now and things will get better only after this….cheers…

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  8. Take a break and go to a new place for a vacation, change of scene will help for sure.
    The worst is now behind you so smile and feel relieved. I guess it is the sudden emptiness of things ending that is leaving u clueless

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  9. Sending hugs to you – specially for the new beginning that you are making and also for the way you have been dealing with things…

    Gradually I am sure everything will fall into place as the best phase of life begins to show its colours 🙂

    TC

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  10. Era,

    I know it’s tough..but do not let go of urself.. eat well, eat properly.. your health is very very important – for you, for pari, for your parents ..and for all of us. You have to look after yourself. You have to give priority to your health over everything else..

    Please take care.. hugggs!

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    1. I will keep your advise in mind Dew. I do have it ringing at the back of my mind, it’s just that I have been too depressed and distracted by other things. Though things are slowly beginning to change 🙂
      Love you Dew…thank you for being there 🙂

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