The past few days have been so stressful that a sudden end of it all has left me with serious withdrawal symptoms.
I have officially survived the divorce that threatened to steal my sanity as it has robbed me of my peace of mind and thrown my life into a mayhem I had never imagined in my wildest dreams.
I do not intend to say that I am missing any of it, but, the stress built up during the past one year of battling through the divorce proceedings, has refused to let go of me.
I am now so used to the high-strung life that breathing easy, lazing around or something as simple as enjoying the rain with a cup of tea needs conscious effort on my part.
I feel heavy in the chest as if I am not able to breathe easy.
Everything feels laboured. Even smiling does.
You can spot me trying to deep breathe every now and then in hope of pushing an extra volume of oxygen to my brain trying to keep it alive.
Sleep hasn’t befriended me yet. Spending nights hoping to get some sleep, only to be disappointed and scared by the demons of my past has only added to my fatigue.
There are bouts of confusion, amnesia and mood swings making time tick at snail pace.
I avoid looking at myself in the mirror for the dark circles around my eyes and the strands of grey hair that I have developed in the past few months together with my pale skin make me look scary.
Food has lot all taste. Just this morning I made Pav-bhaji. Everyone loved it and couldn’t stop praising how tasty it was till the last bite, but to me, it had no taste. The aroma failed to tickle the foodie in me. Be it food, music, writing, reading or even Pari’s pranks all have failed to excite me. I so often push myself to appear normal for the sake of people around me, but it clearly shows.
I have been losing hair. I feel weak. My mind is frantically trying to wind up the mess my life is in as soon as possible. I have a full understanding that all this is just a matter of time. When I have reached so far, in no time I’ll be back to my normal self. But it’s a painful state to be in.
Finding work is my top-most priority. Though I am not pushing myself too hard for I want to stay sane and not let the frustration break me.
I am writing it all in the desperate hope that maybe sharing it will help me reclaim myself sooner than it otherwise would.
The song on my mind: Ae zindagi gale laga le ~ Sadmaa