It was destined to happen and I can see it happening. I tried to catalyze the process but I failed. I tried every trick under the sun, but nothing noteworthy happened. Then life decided to take the reins in its own hands and like magic I can see the change happening.
I am talking about moving on in life.
I am often told that I need to move on in life for my well-being, for the sake of my daughter. I too wish to do the same, but my experience has been quite the contrary. The inertia memories impose in one’s life is something beyond our control. Even today there are moments when I doubt whether seeking divorce was the right thing to do on my part.
At times like these, logic disappears in thin air. Just yesterday, while reminiscing about the times my ex and I were living in different countries and how in those times I used to literally count the days before we would be together again, I could never have imagined a life without him around. I used to feel I couldn’t live without him. Every moment I was away from him was spent working, for the fear of missing him too much.
And today, life has changed dramatically. I must admit I still miss him despite all that has happened in my life. In moments like these thoughts of who was wrong and who was cheated never cross my mind. Instead I am left wondering whether he too ever misses me and the good times we spent together. Don’t everything in the house he now has to himself ever remind him of me in one way or the other?
I have been very lucky on this front, for besides my daughter I have nothing that I ever shared with my ex-husband. It feels like starting life from the scratch where the past six and a half years have been completely erased. Loosing everything that once belonged to me and held precious memories has been a massive emotional blow, but I think life planned it for my good.
Everything around me speaks of today and my efforts to build a better future. There aren’t any memories attached to them, so I don’t have to fight with any ghosts.
There has been a thought lingering in my mind from a long time. I used to think that each time I’ll see Pari, I’ll be reminded of her father. I used to think so because she bears great resemblance to him. Not just in looks but every habit of hers has been passed on from him. From the way she sleeps, the way she smiles, the way she reacts and infinite other traits to the extent that at times of emotional meltdown I often wonder what has she inherited from me?
Despite these thoughts there is something important that I have come to realize in the past one year. Pari’s striking resemblance to her father never really bothers me. I never feel agitated by her actions even though they were something that had made me fall in love with her father. This is because I treat Pari as an individual.
She is my daughter, a part of me or more correctly an extension of myself, but still in my heart of hearts I consider her to possess a personality of her own. I do not see her as a shadow of myself or her father. She is not the end product of a biochemical reaction but someone unique in her own stride.
I think this belief of mine has gone a long way in helping me move on and staying in full control of my emotions. I fall in love with every new mischief she does irrespective of its striking resemblance to the way my ex used to do it. I feel blessed to be able to segregate the man from his traits, to be able to (still) love the charms irrespective of the bearer.
Comparing someone in your life now to someone in your past is unfair to them and unhealthy for you.
It sounds crazy in writing but trust me, it makes the difference of a woman grieving over her broken marriage to someone falling in love with life and her daughter for the same charismatic traits that had made her fall in love with her daughter’s father more than six years ago.
The song on my mind: Dekh ke tumko hosh mein aana ~ Ghazal by Jagjit Singh & Asha Bhonsle