Moving on

It was destined to happen and I can see it happening. I tried to catalyze the process but I failed. I tried every trick under the sun, but nothing noteworthy happened. Then life decided to take the reins in its own hands and like magic I can see the change happening.

I am talking about moving on in life.

I am often told that I need to move on in life for my well-being, for the sake of my daughter. I too wish to do the same, but my experience has been quite the contrary. The inertia memories impose in one’s life is something beyond our control. Even today there are moments when I doubt whether seeking divorce was the right thing to do on my part.

At times like these, logic disappears in thin air. Just yesterday, while reminiscing about the times my ex and I were living in different countries and how in those times I used to literally count the days before we would be together again, I could never have imagined a life without him around. I used to feel I couldn’t live without him. Every moment I was away from him was spent working, for the fear of missing him too much.

And today, life has changed dramatically. I must admit I still miss him despite all that has happened in my life. In moments like these thoughts of who was wrong and who was cheated never cross my mind. Instead I am left wondering whether he too ever misses me and the good times we spent together. Don’t everything in the house he now has to himself ever remind him of me in one way or the other?

I have been very lucky on this front, for besides my daughter I have nothing that I ever shared with my ex-husband. It feels like starting life from the scratch where the past six and a half years have been completely erased. Loosing everything that once belonged to me and held precious memories has been a massive emotional blow, but I think life planned it for my good.

Everything around me speaks of today and my efforts to build a better future. There aren’t any memories attached to them, so I don’t have to fight with any ghosts.

There has been a thought lingering in my mind from a long time. I used to think that each time I’ll see Pari, I’ll be reminded of her father. I used to think so because she bears great resemblance to him. Not just in looks but every habit of hers has been passed on from him. From the way she sleeps, the way she smiles, the way she reacts and infinite other traits to the extent that at times of emotional meltdown I often wonder what has she inherited from me?

Despite these thoughts there is something important that I have come to realize in the past one year. Pari’s striking resemblance to her father never really bothers me. I never feel agitated by her actions even though they were something that had made me fall in love with her father. This is because I treat Pari as an individual.

She is my daughter, a part of me or more correctly an extension of myself, but still in my heart of hearts I consider her to possess a personality of her own. I do not see her as a shadow of myself or her father. She is not the end product of a biochemical reaction but someone unique in her own stride.

I think this belief of mine has gone a long way in helping me move on and staying in full control of my emotions. I fall in love with every new mischief she does irrespective of its striking resemblance to the way my ex used to do it. I feel blessed to be able to segregate the man from his traits, to be able to (still) love the charms irrespective of the bearer.

Comparing someone in your life now to someone in your past is unfair to them and unhealthy for you.

It sounds crazy in writing but trust me, it makes the difference of a woman grieving over her broken marriage to someone falling in love with life and her daughter for the same charismatic traits that had made her fall in love with her daughter’s father more than six years ago.

The song on my mind: Dekh ke tumko hosh mein aana ~ Ghazal by Jagjit Singh & Asha Bhonsle

39 thoughts on “Moving on

  1. Somehow I had this intuition that this post will be coming soon from you. My reasson: In your previous post you never once mentioned him as your “ex”. However, it is better to move on. Does he ever miss you and think of the good times you both had. I guess not. If he misses you, he would not be in the process of getting married again.

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    1. Even while I writing the post on my eBay experience I knew someone would actually raise the issue of my not referring to my husband as my ex. But the sole reason I chose otherwise was cause the whole experience was a memoir set in 2008 when he wasn’t my ex.
      I agree to your logic that he doesn’t miss me but like I said, when your heart aches logic seems to disappear in thin air 😦

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  2. A heart touching post ME 🙂
    I completely understand when you say that you miss him at times and you also wonder if he feels the same way. I used to think in the same manner when I broke up. But, life has its own ways of making you forget things and moving on in a manner that you don’t feel bitter/bad about it.
    Pari might have traits similar to her father, but how she grows as an individual is totally upto you. She might talk like him, but what she talks is far more important. I am happy to feel the satisfaction and happiness in your post. Keep Smiling !!! 🙂
    *Hugs*

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  3. You know ME, this is the true sign that you have finally been able to let go of the past. You have picked up the best things that were in front of you and let go of all the negativity held inside. It is a very crucial that you have more so for Pari…. I wish everyone else thought like you and moved on with grace..

    Take care

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  4. I feel blessed to be able to segregate the man from his traits, to be able to (still) love the charms irrespective of the bearer. – This sums up everything. And as you said.. its helping you to move on, for sure. Your thoughts of seeing Pari as an individual rather than a shadow (which according to me is the right way to go about)… is only making you enjoy all her traits irrespective of where it has come from. I must really really say.. you are a wonderful human being ME. First, you had no bad wishes for your husband even after he did so much to you. Next, all you want to do is to move on with your life, rather than sulking in the past. You might not have anything materialistic to remind you of him everyday like he does, but you have Pari – who looks like him. Its not an easy thing to do – to see same traits as him in Pari and yet, not being irritated by them anymore but instead you’re falling in love and this time with no bitter feelings. Every post of yours guides me in someway or other, thanks for that. I am happy I know you.

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  5. First thing first! Loved the positivity of the post & your thoughts. Trust me you have already won half the battle and are nearing the homr turf of happiness 🙂

    2ndly I loved how well u played with words in this post, especially this line ‘I feel blessed to be able to segregate the man from his traits, to be able to (still) love the charms irrespective of the bearer.’

    Good luck to you for your future 🙂

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  6. Hugs. I know it’s cliched, but time does heal most wounds. And before you realise it , without actively trying, one day you feel happier, lighter and more peaceful. Glad to know you’ve reached this point!

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  7. Dear ME – the way you choose to be so positive and hopeful is really inspiring and touching. Wish you all the best in your efforts. Though today Pari resembles her father, her way of thinking, her attitude and the person she grows up to be will be greatly influenced by the choices her mother has made. 🙂

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  8. Moving on is hard but it does occur in due time. I’m glad you are able to take the positives and be hopeful about life. And with Pari, well, there’s 50 percent nature and 50 percent nurture that will determine the kind of person she will become. 🙂

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  9. You know what I am gonna say first, dont you ME 🙂
    What you are thinking and doing, takes lots of effort and am glad that your able to do it contently. Hats off to you. Somewhere in your earlier posts, you have told how acceptance of all the facts helps you calm down and move forward. This acceptance is what is reflected when you say you are able to love Pari even though she has the traits of her father. As dauntlessdaisy rightly said, how she says is less important than what she says 🙂

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  10. 100% True emotions brought out here……… I bow at your statement “I feel blessed to be able to segregate the man from his traits, to be able to (still) love the charms irrespective of the bearer”…. nothing more in words…..

    Love and hugs ME

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  11. This post truly shows how far you have reached. I am sorry not commenting on your earlier posts. Will be regular 🙂 Hugs to you! Also, it is very admirable that Pari is seen as an individual. Kudos and love to both!

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