Finding answers

On By MeghaIn Parenting

Everyday I open my blog and plan on writing a post, but the one issue I so desperately want to talk about prevents me from writing beyond the initial few lines.

I am plain confused as to how to address the situation that has been taking a toll on my life, my peace of mind and is making me feel lack of energy and time all the time.

Pari’s violent tantrums. I am not sure if it is normal for her age, for very honestly getting enough time to browse and read articles online hasn’t been possible owing to lot of reasons. Prime being fatigue and issues with the wi-fi at my home and lately WordPress eating up my long drafts mysteriously. Anyway, I digress.

I am well aware of the extreme behavior gene Pari has inherited from her father. The kind of angry outbursts she shows having striking resemblance to that of her paternal grand-father and off course her father. But, that is when the big BUT steps in my life. I believe, genetics is a major determinant. Agreed. But, I can’t just sit and watch her do all she feels compelled by a rage attack and say, “She’ll do it cause she has acquired these traits.” That is so not me.

I am not trying to fight her or to fight back nature but instead trying my level best to find a solution, find a way out and about this tricky mess of a situation. Had it been happening once in a while, I wouldn’t have been so concerned, but these angry outbursts have slowly taken up the role of being the best buddy of her toddler stubbornness. Each time I refuse to let her do or get what she is eyeing I am punished. Either by stomping feet, yelling, throwing the things in her hands or near her, banging her head against the chair if she is sitting on one, to even biting me and hitting me.

The mother in me has been putting off from writing about this particular series of events from a long time, but I think I can’t play the cool me anymore without finding a vent to my piled up emotions. Hence, I am finally trying to capture all these trying times on my blog. I am quite sure many of you are startled by my description of Pari’s behavior, my mother too is. It is because, her own daughter has always been the coolest and most obedient daughter she has ever come across. So all this is pretty shocking for my parents too.

Though, I have a very different perspective to this whole phenomenon, if I may call it one. I have lived with a man who showed this kind of angry outbursts as an adult while I was at the receiving end. The good that came out of this evil is, I know it well how Pari’s mind is working each time she is doing something similar. But, the real worry gnawing at the parent in me is how to control this behavior at this very stage, how to nip it in the bud before it blooms to create an angry monster in my precious child.

The worry has been burning me down. The sleepless nights are back. The extreme fatigue I feel during the post-dinner time when I am trying hard to work on the Internet keeps me from reading up anything useful. Or should I say I many times try to take a break from the emotional ride I live all through the day trying to balance the disciplinary in me with a soft-hearted mother, that I often choose to read something light and humorous.

The bad news is, struggling and juggling to be a single parent has started taking a toll on my peace of mind. I seem to be logged with a double share of worries of being both a mum and a dad to my daughter. Yes, my parents are there to help out, but I can never make myself turn off the thought that “I am solely responsible for everything Pari needs to have in life”. I don’t know if it is a good thought or a not so good one, I always see myself standing on the first line of responsibility, which I feel should be the way.

The quest to find answers, comfort and solutions has just started. Here I am, already feeling nervous about how will I handle the mammoth responsibility of being a single parent. Every stepping stone makes the journey one stone shorter, so I’ll be back soon with more chunks of my life as a parent and how I am dealing with them.

The Song on my mind: Ye kya jagah hai doston ~ Umrao Jaan

35 thoughts on “Finding answers”

  1. That’s a very tough situation ME.. Perhaps if possible you could consult someone probably a child specialist , who can give you an insight.. Just have faith in yourself, you will definitely be able to manage it..

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    1. Welcome to my blog Simplegirl 🙂
      Tincture of time seems to have helped me see things in a better light & I am glad to state things are changing for good though at snail pace 🙂
      Thank you for the encouraging words…they mean a lot!!

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  6. Have you spoken to her pediatrician? Maybe he/she might have some insights.
    Alternatively, you can always check for reaction of other parents on this blog. The experienced oens will know….

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    1. I actually did and yes like you said having a word with the experienced mums sure helped a lot 🙂
      I am also reading a few books that are highly recommended by other parents, so things are sure looking better now 🙂

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  7. I’m not startled because I know so many toddlers who are this way. Mimi is most likely to be like that, already she throws herself back and/or bites someone if she doesn’t get her way. Don’t have any advice on how to deal with it, we do a lot of distraction and also giving in with both our kids. We try to avoid confrontations. You know this is when their brain is growing at its fastest rate ever, almost doubling in size. The next phase it happens in is during adolescence and you know how people are during that. I find toddler behaviour very similar to adolescent behaviour. They seem to be frustrated that their bodies can’t keep up with their ambitions.

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    1. You are life saver. You always have the answers that strike just the right chords for me.
      Hugs buddy…thanks a ton for being there.
      It means a lot!!

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  10. Hugs ME…big hugs to Pari as well

    Often genetics do play a role in the child’s temperament, but in the long run it doesnt matter…as long as you deal with these outbursts firmly and yet in a loving manner, I am sure it will disappear in some time…..be firm with her, tell her that hitting mom isnt allowed and then sit away from her or physically make her sit in a corner..R had gotten into the habit of biting when she was younger but it was told to her very firmly that she shouldnt do it at all! and now she doesnt

    just big hugs to both of you

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    1. Thank you RM for reassuring me that being strict at times is actually the right choice. Am trying all you had suggested and am glad to see change happen 🙂
      Hugs RM

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  11. Kids at the age Pari is are given to mad tantrums. I think added to genetics, natural child nature at this age is also playing in the picture which is making things even more difficult for you. Once they start talking and putting their frustrations in to works, things start to get better.
    Bugz is kind of similar now, but there are a few things she has learned already. If she throws something, I pick it up and keep it out of her reach. If she starts crying on the floor, I let her for a bit to show her she can’t get everything just because she is crying. If she bites me (which she does not do any more) I tell her very seriously ‘No’ and then she does not get to sit in my lap for a while. So she has learned not to do a few things because they don’t get the desired results.
    It will get better once Pari starts talking, trust me. And as a parent since you are aware of the issues, you can start talking to Pari about them already so that as she grows she knows how to modulate her anger in a better way.
    Hugs!

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    1. Thank you Comfy for sharing those simple yet very vital tips from your personal experience. Pari too has given up biting and things are sure looking much better than what they were in the past month 🙂

      Hugs dear and thank you again for being there 🙂

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  12. Hugs ME. I havent been there yet, but I see myself getting frustrated in future the way you are. So, more hugs. Will it help if you detach the fact that Pari’s behavior comes from her genes? I mean, you are trying to deal with two troubling things there. I think you said it before, if you just see Pari as a stand alone person, may be it will atleast spare you the emotional drama. I dont know if she is too young for few hours in a play school.,maybe that will help. More importantly you will get a breather and sure can refocus when she is back with you.

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    1. You pointed out something very important Dil.

      I have been struggling to put away thoughts of my dark past away on many instances, it is probably cause of it that I many times confuse my personal insecurities as failures at being a decent parent.

      Hugs dear.

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  14. Heyyyyy ME! like everything else in our similar life….i have been there and done that. And I EXACTLY know what you are talking about. I worry s much about my son becoming his father. But now a days I have started telling my self – I will cross the bridge when I come to it. What will worrying do yaar. WHen my son was doing exactly the same thing as Pari i consulted a child psychologist. First thing she insisted upon was spending Quality time with him. THat 1 hour that i spend with him should be JUST with him and try and set boundaries within games so that he learns the concept of boundaries.
    I also chose to fight one battle at a time. My biggest concern was biting so i told him “It is a bad habit and not allowed”. Everytime he would bite I told him the same thing again and again. After enought warnings i gave him a “time out”. Just made him sit in a room and did not tlak to him. He howled and howled but I did not give in. For 5 mins I told him i will not talk to him till he promises to not bite coz it hurts me. After 2-3 time outs he understood. He knew it was non negotiable. I also played with his emothins by acting as if I am hurt and would fake cry when he will bite. Then he will come himseld and plant a kiss there and I will hug him. Eventually he stopped biting. I dont know if its right or wrong but it worked. And teething can also cause kids to bite so look into that. After this i picked up hitting and followed the same routine and it worked. At times instead of screaming I will puff up my cheeks (make that funny face like swollen monkey) and say “aumma will not talk to you coz you are hitting/biting”. The he will press my cheeks and the sound of air passing would make him laugh and he gets distracted. Obviously it was accomapnied by time outs etc.
    Gosh this is the longest advise i ahve written in my life and hope it helps somewhere:-)
    take care and dont fret too much coz we cannot change a child destiny. ONly help in shaping it:)
    Control what you can control and leave the rest to God.

    Big bear hug coming your way:)

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  15. I have not been such a child but I have heard and seen those tantrums. Its chilling but I say its perfectly normal. Many kids do that so that so not to worry. But I agree you need to find a solution.

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  17. Hello ME, I’m a new mother (my baby just turned three months) and can imagine your anxieties regarding Pari.
    Based on a recommendation of one of favorite bloggers, I have recently purchased this book called, “How to talk so kids will listen”. Like the book mentions it’s never to early or too late to practice the simple things the authors have discussed. I read it in one go and really hope that I be mindful of what i say knowingly and unknowingly to my daughter as she grows up.
    Good luck! 🙂

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    1. Hello Kavs, welcome to my blog. Congratulations on the arrival of a little angel in your life 🙂

      I too had been recommended the same book by a number of friends. But your comment gave me the needed push & I have the book in my hands. It sure is a fantastic read. I’ll review the book the day am done reading it.

      Good Luck to you too 🙂

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