Thank you everyone who shared their valuable inputs & personal experience in my post, Finding Answers.
I am feeling a lot better now having made many changes and decisions since that day. Firstly, ranting about the many confusions & insecurities circling my mind was a major step in freeing myself from them. I had been trying to get away with them letting time to soak them up, but unfortunately like always only writing about it could rescue me.
I have started disciplining Pari a little more strictly than I was earlier. I think it would be more appropriate to say, that I have now started being firm with her which I am sure was lacking all this while. Earlier I used to try to explain things to her, be very serious with her but somewhere I was being more of a friend than a parent and that lack of firmness, I guess was the result of my constant failure.
The first time I refused to give in to her kicking, hitting, screaming tactics, she responded with going quiet. That silence, absolute lack of resistance and looking away from me hugging her favorite soft-toy made my heart stop for a while. The silence was deafening. But, I had to keep my stand, I have to do it many times again and I am going to do it. Discipline in life is mandatory. Teaching the right behavior is a very tedious task, but a necessary one.
Things are slowly changing. It’s too early to call them positive but yes, there is a definite change of gears as far how I am handling things.
I have started working on a lot of other issues that I learnt about from the helpful responses on my earlier post.
Among other things I am trying to concentrate on Pari alone whenever I am with her. It’s tough while juggling many household chores or trying to grab a few moments of me-time, but I am trying my best.
Another important point is I have come to understand that my ex is my past. I need to move out of his shadow while dealing with Pari to be able to see things in current perspective and as issues of child behavior alone. I am determined to slowly curtail till I totally minimize the thoughts of blaming my problems on Pari’s half pool of genes that she has inherited from her father. It’s sad that my insecurities often raise their head to confuse me enough to go emotionally unstable whenever trials come.
Having said that, since my vision is getting clearer, I can see rays of hope fill my system. This self-analysis shall continue in the coming posts too, for I think I have managed to cover just the tip of the iceberg in this post.
The song on my mind: Kuch Dil ne Kaha ~ Anupama