I have on many occasions written about how I am fighting back the many odds life hurled my way. How I have been hoping to live life on my terms, how I have been thrown in the deep dark dungeons of depression from time to time, how I have been fighting back my immediate family for not sharing my view of life and trying to manipulate in one way or the other.
The complaints have been plenty and so have been the heartaches. While I have been sharing my pain in my blog posts, my parents have slowly bottled it all up within themselves. You can get a better view of the circumstances here.
In the years gone by, my growing old and emotionally frail parents have suffered many severe blows both emotionally and on the health front. But, by God’s grace they have stood strong like a rock. Nevertheless, these severe blows and many lighter ones they face in day-to-day life have succeeded in shaking their inner peace. They being parents to me and also Pari have tried their best to soak up the hurt, hide all pain to act brave and unshaken. But the reality is quite the contrary.
In the medical science there exists a term guarding ( as in abdominal guarding) which according to Wikipedia is defined as “Abdominal guarding is the tensing of the abdominal wall muscles to guard inflamed organs within the abdomen from the pain of pressure upon them. The tensing is detected when the abdominal wall is pressed.”
No, we are not talking about a medical condition here. Talking about ‘guarding’ in terms of my life experiences, I have seen myself go brittle, untoward harsh in response to the heartache life inflicted on me. It was my defense to safeguard my tethered heart from suffering any further. It was my false shell that I had grown to keep my broken self safe from the society. But, truth be told, till I loosened up my tensed self to have the injuries of my heart and soul healed, I could not breathe easy. In a nutshell, it is a false sense of security that surrounds us when we act rudely. But in reality, every time we try to hurt someone trying to protect our own bruised self, we inflict an invisible wound on our soul that feeds on the remnants of our peace and well-being like a parasite.
I have been through this hell myself. Experienced how grieving endlessly hollows out our soul. However, I have been lucky that ‘faith’ in life helped me survive. Faith helped me swim across the sea of pain and emerge happier than ever before. But, that is nowhere the case with my parents.
Owing to their age and severity of the blows they’ve suffered, they have been slowly letting go of the faith in goodness. They had begun to lose themselves to let their illnesses win.
I must admit, if you love someone dearly, it hurts to see them suffer silently more than the pain any physical injury can ever cause. While I was battling my recurrent bouts of depression, I was busy digging deeper, working very hard to understand what was triggering the sadistic behavior in my loved ones, that in no way was making them happy though it did succeed in ripping apart my new-found peace of mind.
And finally, after spending many sleepless nights, panic-struck afternoons, I realized this theory of ‘guarding’. My parents have been suffering for too long. They have been faking strength for too long. All they need at this hour is an assurance that I am around, that I am here to stay, that I mean no harm ( by my protests against stringent patriarchal practices). It has been an uphill task to accomplish.
For a very long time, no-matter what I did, the towering shadow of my elder brother’s actions made it look dark and dingy. I have tried many times to speak to them but they showed no interest in my words. Nevertheless, I knew it in my heart, that they were listening to every single word I had to say, like parents always do. I knew it in my heart that if I persist, like a drop of water trickling every second, I can finally penetrate the hardest of rocks my parents have built around their heart.
Finally, in the past week I have begun to see a ray of hope. I can see that my parents have begun to soften up. My mum has begun to listen to me (albeit not completely) when I keep checking her to watch her diet (as she is a diabetic). I can sense my father quietly love the idea that I choose to go most places with him, to offices and to run errands. His face has begun to lighten up every time he sees that I am there to take care of them with love and not as a mere responsibility.
I am aware, it is still a long way to go, but positive signs of healing are beginning to show up. I can feel my faith and hope grow stronger that my persistence and the tincture of time can surely help my family be back on the lines of being happy, peaceful and content again.
Like always, please do keep us in your prayers. It has been your positive vibes, good wishes and support that has kept me going and I am sure I cannot falter with such a massive support.
The song on my mind: Kisi Nazar Ko Tera Intezar Aaj Bhi Hai ~ Aitbaar