I do not believe in New Year resolutions ever since this happened. Instead, I have come to live every moment of life to the best I possibly can. Be it my work or procrastination, I do it with all my heart. As far setting goals, I do it all the time, but I don’t wait for a new week or month or year to start working for them. I start the very next moment.
As 2015 is drawing to a close, I decided to do a closure post on the topic I started writing about in my post breaking free this year.
Ever since the storm started brewing around a decade ago, when my brother chose to subtly distance himself from the family, we (my parents and I) knew it in our hearts what was in store in the future. In our heart of hearts we’d hoped and prayed hard, that the day when my brother would choose to abandon us forever would never dawn. Not because we were not prepared for it. But, for the sake of my mother.
What actually tore us apart was the timing and the cruelty with which this severance of ties happened. I am confident, my mother would have taken this setback like a brave heart on any other day, but not when she was battling with a malignancy and was at her weakest physically, mentally and emotionally. In hindsight, I feel, no matter how prepared we are to face the setbacks in life we can never keep ourselves from being shocked (or perhaps amazed) by the way life chooses to execute them.
I was mad at my brother when he chose to sever ties leaving my mom’s already unstable condition plummeting to critical lows. I am guilty of having thought of him as an opportunist and unworthy of my mom’s love. That was over 2 years ago. In due course of time, as I nursed my critically ill mother, the biggest grudge I held against my brother was that his actions had made my mother lose all desire of living any further. My mother who always loved my brother more, stopped caring any bit about my existence. Not that she ever cared too much in the first place (it is not a case of gender bias as it appears, but rather of severe favoritism) but from then on, she has turned a blind eye towards me.
Initially, I worked hard to ignore her indifference towards me, but gradually, its chronicity became a non-healing ulcer in my heart. And all this while, I sub-consciously blamed my brother for the treatment my mother meted out to me. It took me a very long time to attain composure enough to look back in time and see where it all started and what made my brother eventually do what he did.
To be honest, it was a tedious and an arduous path. But as my vision got clearer, my thought process got unbiased, I unearthed findings that were shocking.
The clarity dawned on me when my parents chose to show me my place in their lives in the harshest of words. Though the pain broke me, it showed me what had triggered in my brother the desire to walk on a path that he did.
It hurt me immensely to realize how my parents pampered their ego, priced their values and their beliefs above everything else in life. Their egos have been so high riding that their own offspring failed to match it in position in their life. The harder I dug, the deeper I went into the events of my family’s past, I discovered the roots to the beanstalk riding on which my brother has moved so distant from us that nothing, yes, nothing in this universe can ever bring him to love us like his own.
Though I won’t go into the nitty-gritty of the events that triggered this, but I will share my findings in brief for better understanding.
My quest for answers revealed a startling finding that what I feel for my parents and my brother today, my brother had felt over two decades ago. He had waited for my parents to choose him, to choose love over their brittle temperaments (what I have been working hard to achieve) but landed with nothing but despair. At that point, his flickering flame of love for me, died a cold death, like my love for him died not very long ago.
My introspection exposed to me the reasons why my brother chose to do what he did. Today, when I live with the knowledge of how indifferent my parents are to the successes and failures in my life, I can feel the pain my brother went through almost two decades ago. He finally made a choice. He chose to amputate the gangrenous limb that had made him suffer a major chunk of his life. He chose to fly away and build a life on his own terms, never to look back.
Today, I stand at a similar place. I have the same choices in my life, like my brother once had. I have the option to follow the path set by my brother or choose to tread on a road less taken. Having discovered answers to all the why(s), I am now at peace with my brother in my heart. I truly am. I have forgiven him. I have set him free. His memories, his mention no longer causes me any anguish or anger. I wish him well in his life.
My brother and I resemble so closely that for a moment you could mistake us to be twins though the massive age difference shows well on our faces, but still. But, we have been poles apart in our personalities, temperaments and approach to life from the very beginning. This is why, the path I have taken to tackle the challenge, my parents ego has thrown my way is going to be different from the one my brother chose.
Finally, after all these years, I am happy to have found closure to my relation with my brother. I have forgiven him despite never having had the opportunity to hear his part of the story. This is because I trust the genes we share, to have enlightened me with the correct line of thought to have made a perfect guess as to why he did what he did.
The song on my mind: Ye kya hua, kaise hua? ~ Amar Prem