Closure

I do not believe in New Year resolutions ever since this happened. Instead, I have come to live every moment of life to the best I possibly can. Be it my work or  procrastination, I do it with all my heart. As far setting goals, I do it all the time, but I don’t wait for a new week or month or year to start working for them. I start the very next moment.

As 2015 is drawing to a close, I decided to do a closure post on the topic I started writing about in my post breaking free this year.

Ever since the storm started brewing around a decade ago, when my brother chose to subtly distance himself from the family, we (my parents and I) knew it in our hearts what was in store in the future. In our heart of hearts we’d hoped and prayed hard, that the day when my brother would choose to abandon us forever would never dawn. Not because we were not prepared for it. But, for the sake of my mother.

What actually tore us apart was the timing and the cruelty with which this severance of ties happened. I am confident, my mother would have taken this setback like a brave heart on any other day, but not when she was battling with a malignancy and was at her weakest physically, mentally and emotionally. In hindsight, I feel, no matter how prepared we are to face the setbacks in life we can never keep ourselves from being shocked (or perhaps amazed) by the way life chooses to execute them.

I was mad at my brother when he chose to sever ties leaving my mom’s already unstable condition plummeting to critical lows. I am guilty of having thought of him as an opportunist and unworthy of my mom’s love. That was over 2 years ago. In due course of time, as I nursed my critically ill mother, the biggest grudge I held against my brother was that his actions had made my mother lose all desire of living any further. My mother who always loved my brother more, stopped caring any bit about my existence. Not that she ever cared too much in the first place (it is not a case of gender bias as it appears, but rather of severe favoritism) but from then on, she has turned a blind eye towards me.

Initially, I worked hard to ignore her indifference towards me, but gradually, its chronicity became a non-healing ulcer in my heart. And all this while, I sub-consciously blamed my brother for the treatment my mother meted out to me. It took me a very long time to attain composure enough to look back in time and see where it all started and what made my brother eventually do what he did.

To be honest, it was a tedious and an arduous path. But as my vision got clearer, my thought process got unbiased, I unearthed findings that were shocking.

The clarity dawned on me when my parents chose to show me my place in their lives in the harshest of words. Though the pain broke me, it showed me what had triggered in my brother the desire to walk on a path that he did.

It hurt me immensely to realize how my parents pampered their ego, priced their values and their beliefs above everything else in life. Their egos have been so high riding that their own offspring failed to match it in position in their life. The harder I dug, the deeper I went into the events of my family’s past, I discovered the roots to the beanstalk riding on which my brother has moved so distant from us that nothing, yes, nothing in this universe can ever bring him to love us like his own.

Though I won’t go into the nitty-gritty of the events that triggered this, but I will share my findings in brief for better understanding.

My quest for answers revealed a startling finding that what I feel for my parents and my brother today, my brother had felt over two decades ago. He had waited for my parents to choose him, to choose love over their brittle temperaments (what I have been working hard to achieve) but landed with nothing but despair. At that point, his flickering flame of love for me, died a cold death, like my love for him died not very long ago.

My introspection exposed to me the reasons why my brother chose to do what he did. Today, when I live with the knowledge of how indifferent my parents are to the successes and failures in my life, I can feel the pain my brother went through almost two decades ago. He finally made a choice. He chose to amputate the gangrenous limb that had made him suffer a major chunk of his life. He chose to fly away and build a life on his own terms, never to look back.

Today, I stand at a similar place. I have the same choices in my life, like my brother once had. I have the option to follow the path set by my brother or choose to tread on a road less taken. Having discovered answers to all the why(s), I am now at peace with my brother in my heart. I truly am. I have forgiven him. I have set him free. His memories, his mention no longer causes me any anguish or anger. I wish him well in his life.

My brother and I resemble so closely that for a moment you could mistake us to be twins though the massive age difference shows well on our faces, but still. But, we have been poles apart in our personalities, temperaments and approach to life from the very beginning. This is why, the path I have taken to tackle the challenge, my parents ego has thrown my way is going to be different from the one my brother chose.

Finally, after all these years, I am happy to have found closure to my relation with my brother. I have forgiven him despite never having had the opportunity to hear his part of the story. This is because I trust the genes we share, to have enlightened me with the correct line of thought to have made a perfect guess as to why he did what he did.

The song on my mind: Ye kya hua, kaise hua? ~ Amar Prem

10 thoughts on “Closure

  1. Hugs ME. I feel lost on words. Its not okay to lose family. After all that is the only thing that matters and we have. But that’s okay. You have Pari to think about. She needs you stronger than ever. Hugs ME. You are only getting better everyday. Congratulations to you on all you achieved this year.

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    1. To be honest, I am working (very hard) to smooth out the many rough edges in my life in hope that maybe, gratitude and forgiveness might make me live a sane life from here on.
      {Hugs Dil}

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  2. I am happy that you are finally at peace with the choice your brother made. My mother is also like your parents to a certain extend. I believe the ego my mom and your parents is also partly because of the social conditioning they got while they grew up that made them the way they are.
    [Hugs] to you, Era. You are one of the strongest women I know.

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    1. When I started working on the bucket of family issues I needed to find answers to in order to lead a peaceful life here on, I had given my parents the benefit of social conditioning the most.
      But, when it comes to issues as grave as letting your son sever all ties, I think unconditional love and understanding from a parent should come to fore. I am confident my parents (especially my mom) thinks about him every single day, but the damage done can’t be undone. Besides, having lost one child, hasn’t made them value the proximity of the other (yours truly) who is left craving for care ( not even time or love) all the time.
      It’s a tough equation but I am sure, all pieces of the puzzle will fall in place sooner or later.

      {Hugs Senora}
      May the New Year fill everyone’s life with infinite love, positivity and happiness 😀

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  3. Hi Era, I can really relate to this post of yours as something very similar happened with me. First of all, well done dear! It’s not easy… It’s very difficult what you did as forgiving someone with an unheard apology isn’t a smooth & easy process. But if we can do so it’s the best thing ever. The feeling of relief is priceless… Your posts really inspires me a lot… Thanks Era 🙂

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    1. I agree with you Shweta, that the feeling closures gift is worth walking the extra mile to make it happen. Sending loads of positive vibes and peace your way. I am glad you could find inspiration in my words, so glad to have a companion in you in my journey through life ❤
      Much love 🙂

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