I have always credited myself as the one blessed with a generous helping of patience.
I have always seen it as a virtue passed on to me in the strands of DNA, I inherited from my mother. These were my usual claims until I got married.
That’s when life gifted me a mirror and what I saw was nowhere close to my beliefs.
This was mainly due to the fact, that I got married to someone who took life as it came, slathered with laziness, not bothered by failures and above all accepting failures with the same graciousness as he took success or rather, not being accountable for anything.
It was a way of life, I had never known to exist on the same planet where I had spent two decades of my existence. Not being disciplined, punctual or highly orderly in every aspect of life, was unseen, unheard and even unimaginable for me. This was despite having lived in a hostel with the craziest room-mates ever.
It felt like a reality show, I was stuck in.
The onus to make my arranged marriage work, continents away from my family, overwhelmed me.
I call it a reality show because the drama that followed was unlimited and the melodrama that unfolded could put any soap opera to shame.
The sense of chaos my marriage triggered in my system, transformed me into a moody, hyperactive, over-reacting female who acted nothing short of a control-freak, lost temper at the drop of a hat and couldn’t believe in the practice of patience in any form.
This was life’s way of de-constructing my false beliefs and temper me in preparation for my future life.
We all step into such transition zones when none of the pieces make any sense, yet we are forced to keep playing our cards, until one fine day, many years down the line, the complete picture will rise out of nowhere and everything will make perfect sense miraculously.
Ten years ago, I too was in a similar transition phase.
It was more like an eruption of an active volcano, where my angry outbursts emptied me of my notions of who I thought I was. In the uncanny, rebellious, calm presence of my ex-husband, the lava cooled down.
At that point in time, I remember crying inconsolably, because my life felt to be slipping out of my control. I could sense laziness pump in my veins, I was seen taking an unkempt house as acceptable, sleeping way past dawn as normal and staying awake till twilight as a fun thing to do.
It was tough, but being madly in love helped me transform.
The madness of chasing the mirage of perfection soon dwindled in my new-found acknowledgement that life didn’t end if my kitchen wasn’t scrubbed to sparkling tiles.
The earth didn’t stop spinning if I over-slept to wake up at 9 am instead of competing with the Sun and forever beating it.
It was okay if the freshly cooked food wasn’t eaten for dinner and an impromptu pizza order was placed at 9 pm.
I learnt to go with the tide, enjoying whatever life threw my way and became a good sport in accepting offers in nano-seconds without stopping to ponder over (like I always did before then).
It was a new way of life that I lived and gradually adopted.
But when suddenly my marriage died, I was left in a conundrum. I wasn’t sure what was left of me and what all bearing my marriage had on me despite it wilting away.
Initially, I saw myself beating my soul for still being tinted in the colours I’d acquired in my married life. I used to punish myself for letting the fragrance of the habits I’d picked from my ex, still linger in my being. I was cruel on myself for no longer being the person I was before I was married.
This phase of blind punishment for no wrongdoing, continued subconsciously for a whole four years before acceptance dawned on me.
I was beating myself for something that was natural, normal and part of life.
Change.
Changes are inevitable, but I was gruelling myself for having transformed into someone who still showed the impact of my ex’s company.
But, what was wrong in that?
Isn’t my child too an extension of my association with my ex-husband?
Isn’t she too genetically, temperamentally and almost 60% appearance wise startlingly similar to my ex-husband?
When I can love Pari so unconditionally, why can’t I do the same with myself?
The questions were difficult to answer.
The quandary was a mere illusion, but nevertheless, its existence wasn’t fictitious.
“Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.” ~ Lao Tzu
On scrutiny, I unearthed a fact that changed my life forever.
My temper, my bouts of impatience, my rage that had been scalding my baby and feeding the guilt plaguing my peaceful existence had its origin in lack of acceptance of my past.
When I gently prodded myself to accept that change was natural, having changed over the past decade was nothing I should feel ashamed of, things began to look up.
“The snake which cannot cast its skin has to die. As well the minds which are prevented from changing their opinions; they cease to be mind.” ~ Friedrich Nietzsche
I have now learnt to be at peace with who I have become.
The undeniable impact of my ex on my life, is something I have come to terms with.
Maybe, it is life’s gift to me to help me be both the mother and the father to Pari.
Maybe it is life’s way of making Pari grow up with the best of both of her parents despite the physical presence of only one.
“What was lost was lost. There was no retrieving it, however you schemed, no returning to how things were, no going back.” ~ Haruki Murakami
The song on my mind: Mera chand mujhe aaya hai nazar ~ Mr. Aashiq
The Era I Lived In 
So much I can empathise with in your situation, especially with regard to punctuality and order. I’ve recently started reading a book on the concept of change and why humans are so resistant to it. It’s eye-opening to say the least. Don’t beat yourself up. It’s hard. I know it and you know it. We can do what we can in the spaces of our soul and hope it’s for the best for as long as we exist.
Very glad you visited me and welcomed me into your world too.
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Welcome to my space Shailaja, it has been a pleasure reading your thoughts on your blog 🙂
Acceptance often occurs after a long lapse, but in my case, I am grateful that it did happen before much damage could be done. I agree, what has happened can’t be undone, but learning to co-exist with change peacefully is the best way to go about it.
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Very well said. Without change, we don’t grow. Acceptance is key 🙂
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You write so well ME.. The way you express is too good.. Acceptance of change is a very big thing..
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I am really hopeful my life will change for better from here on 🙂
Thank you sweetie ❤
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This is such a beautiful and insightful post.
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Thank you TB 🙂
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They say wisdom. . .is knowing what you have to accept. Once the acceptance is there, you are free of the mind. You have made room for love, for joy, for peace, for growth and for new you! You are doing great ME. Best wishes to you and Pari ♥
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Very true Shilpa, acceptance and being at peace with whatever life has gifted us frees our mind in a way that its magnitude can be appreciated only after having experienced it first hand.
Thank you Shilpa for always being around, it means a lot.
{Hugs}
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As they say, life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we respond to it. Looks like you have almost taken care of the 90%, which is great to hear.
Lovely post as always 🙂
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Very true Vishal 🙂
Though it has taken me considerable time to find answers to the many questions that had been driving me insane, but I am grateful that finally the pieces are beginning to fall together.
I am glad you liked the post 😀
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Honestly it was your comment on my blog which dragged me here. The thoughts and honesty with which you wrote there made me wonder how lovely your own blog might be 🙂 And I wasn’t wrong I can see 🙂
No matter how much we deny we are who we are due to our experiences, situations and most of it are people driven. Accepting this is the first step. And you know whatever you narrated here are things more external, habits that do not reveal the inner us. I am sure if you sat down and decidedly thought about who you are presently, it wouldn’t be someone very detached from what you began with…
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Welcome to my humble online space Richa 🙂
The real issue had been, that the hurt and the pain my divorce had inflicted on my being, left me praying for an escape from the endless series of painful events that followed it.
As a result, I turned my back to the reality in an attempt to escape it to the best I could. As expected, I failed and was forced to re-visit my past, analyse and that’s where I found my answers.
Couldn’t agree more on how we much our experiences shape us, change us and how detached we eventually become from who we initially were 🙂
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Nice post Me. Makes me reflect on my own life. I know how much I have changed post marriage. But you are right. We need to accept us first. Don’t let us judge by the scale of others, because everybody’s scale is different.
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I feel the acceptance failed because of the pain, the shock, the depression my divorce filled my life with. It has taken me to invest immense self-control and determination to reach a point in life when I could re-open the chapters I had prayed to remain shut forever. But, in retrospect, I am grateful for having tried and found my answers because it has changed my life for good 🙂
Thank you Dil, I’m glad you like my post 😀
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WOW ME! Its amazing how coherently you can pen down your thoughts! Am glad to read that you have learnt to be in peace with who you are, to accept whatever changes life has brought in. That needs a lot of courage and grit. So kudos to you! And hugs to Pari.
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Thank you Deeps for being around in this turbulent ride of mine 🙂
I am really hoping that with this new found acceptance, my life will be a lot more calmer from here on.
Hugs & love to Namnam & yourself ❤
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what a intensive read it is. Really sometimes a quote of few letters gives all the answers. Thanks a lot for sharing 🙂
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Welcome to my space Parijat 🙂
Sometimes the fierce battles we fight in our minds, when shared in words, translate to intense posts like these. The good being, it was cathartic and helped me see the light at the end of the tunnel.
I’m glad you liked it 🙂
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