Back in the time when I had tied the knot, if anyone asked me what were our plans for having a baby, I’d tackle the question like any other newly-wed.
Buying time saying ‘we are still learning our ways in the new relationship‘. But deep in my heart, I harboured self-doubt that I could ever make a good mother.
When such thoughts used to cloud my mind for longer than 20 minutes, I used to qualm my anxiety saying “I’ll cross the bridge when I get to it.”
Three years into my married life, this happened. That was the starting point of my yearning to be a mother. Even at that point in life, I could never come up with a logical explanation of what had made me desperate for motherhood. In fact, I couldn’t, even in the years that followed come up with an explanation as to what ignited in me the rapacious longing.
The events around my pregnancy and my child’s birth had plagued my already confused mind with the guilt of having been pushed into single-motherhood owing to my fanaticism of wanting to procreate.
Looking back, I can see myself writhing in self-destructive guilt, thinking about how I could have seen the imminent death of my marriage looming large. If only, I had spared enough time and thought to the life around me rather than lusting for a baby day in and day out. As insensitive and senseless this might sound, the literally dwelled on these thoughts while battling depression post-divorce. I couldn’t look beyond the hurt, the pain, my precious child would have to undergo growing up without a father.
Till recently, I couldn’t answer the question, “How would I have changed the course of events if I had the power to do so?”
But, today is different. It struck like a bolt of lightning. A gust of fresh air that infused sense and awakening in my being. The life that I had pronounced merciless, today comes across as rather kind and considerate.
To understand what I have been trying to say, we will have to look back at my married life from the start. If you’ve been a part of my blogging journey from early on, you’d know my relationship with my in-laws was strained from day one. Things were calm and happy on the surface between me and my (ex) husband. Though what lay beneath, raised its ugly head much later.
There are some loses which we grieve, silently, all our lives. Losing an unborn child in the womb (in simpler words a miscarriage) is one of them. At that point in time, I had questioned life asking “What had I done to deserve this pain?” to which I have found the answer after over 7 years.
When I had begun to doubt my karma. Formed a habit of doubting the alignment of my stars, the only thing I could sense was impending doom. I was clueless about the why, what, when and how of it. But I had a strong gut feeling that something big, like a black hole, was approaching me, too fast for me to save myself from being swallowed by it. And exactly the same happened around the time my child was born.
In the past 5 years, the one thing I failed hard to understand was “Why did the birth of my child coincide with the death of my marriage?”
I have come up with innumerable theories of my own. Tried to study the sequence of events from many angles but the answer came to me just a couple of days ago.
When I doubted life’s intentions, when I was busy cursing my stars, when I was mourning the severance of the ties that I’d hoped will last a lifetime, destiny was actually busy saving me.
Saving me? Err…yes.
Life had watched me closely suffering in my marriage. Destiny had heard my prayers, requesting freedom from the fears, the emotional anguish, the psychological trauma I had to live with every moment of my existence.
But life didn’t want me to give up. It didn’t want me to land up with no love in my life. Instead, it chose to change the form of love from unrequited and conditional to an unconditional, pure form. It took away my uncaring, selfish husband but gifted me an adorable child.
“The hardest thing about “everything happens for a reason” is waiting for that reason to show up.” ~ Karen Salmansohn
The energy I could have spent in preserving negativity of my marriage is now channelised to the upbringing of a beautiful baby who is busy giving new dimensions and meaning to my life, every single day.
What I had been thinking of as a curse, a bane, is actually a blessing in disguise.
The song on my mind: Zehenaseeb ~ Hasee Toh Phasee
The Era I Lived In 
Hi there,
I have been reading your blog for a very long time. I am not good at commenting….. because they are no where near crisp and clear…. see… i am writing so long here too……. you wanted you to know how inspiring you are to this world! And that, you are a wonderful mother 🙂
It is so true that words have he power to change thoughts and, the way you weild that magic wand of words to express the joy, heartache, angst and fears is… phenomenal ….. with all that mountains of struggle you have crossed, am sure the best awaits you and Pari….. keep writing……
A loyal reader of your blogs, Narayani
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Thank you so much Narayani for taking time to de-lurk and share your thoughts in a comment.
It has been the support of wonderful readers of this blog like yourself that have helped me reach thus far.
Thank you for being there.
{Hugs}
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“Looking back, I can see myself writhing in self-destructive guilt, thinking how I could have seen the imminent death of my marriage looming large. If only, I had spared enough time and thought to the life around me rather than lusting for a baby day in and day out.”
I’m absolutely wowed by your theories. Exactly two years ago just like you I became blind to the world around me and was lusting for something so trivial, now I don’t even remember what it was! Now I wished at least the people around me should’ve made me see it. But it’s absolutely wrong and foolish to blame my mistakes on someone else. As for the blessing in disguise thingy, I’m yet to figure that one out. But it isn’t always the case for everyone, maybe it was for you but it could’ve easily been a huge blunder for me. Although I’m praying and hoping it is the former, I can only understand it later much to my annoyance. I just have to be patient enough now.
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Sara, I have been in your shoes so I know the agony of waiting to find an answer(s) to why something so dramatic or perhaps drastic happened to me.
But what I have learnt lately is, no one can make us see things until our own experience clears our head enough to get the puzzle solved on our own.
So hang on girl, your answers too shall come to you, sooner or later.
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I wouldn’t be experienced enough to comment on this, but I’d like to say something: it’s good that you’ve discovered your path to salvation from negative thoughts. It’ll surely help in ways you could have never imagined before. All the best, and do take care. Much love 😃
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The minute I got my answers, it felt like I’d hit home. Suddenly so many pieces fell in their right place as if they were just waiting for this magical moment to arrive.
Thank you dear for the much needed positive vibes ❤
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Blessing indeed. Kids do wonderful things to our life and soul. Pari is so blessed to have a mom like you ME. Hugs. 🙂
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Kids change our lives in ways, we can understand only after having them around.
{Hugs}
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hi Era, am back commenting after soooo long… but i read every single of your post during my hiatus.. had a baby and now busy resuming work… ur post often make me nostalgic. the difference being that i am still in the mess.. well, that’s life.. m living and learning ;P 🙂
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So happy to have you around Sippyk ❤
Congratulations dear. Hope the little angel and you are doing well. The first year with the baby is pretty chaotic, be gentle on yourself.
Hope everything falls in place for you too. Soon.
{Hugs}
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ME, reading this makes me feel so proud of you! I have been reading you from the beginning and I understand how difficult it has been as a single parent. This post today is filled with positivity that I totally admire in you and the zest for life you have! God Bless the little Pari! {{HUGS}}
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You have been my constant support from day one. Love you LLT ❤
Thank you dear for your wonderful wishes through the years that have helped me reach this stage in life.
{Hugs}
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Lot of love to you n Pari.. I am always inspired by the strong ladies:) you sure are one among them.. keep rocking as you are!!
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Thank you Boomerang 🙂
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