In my heart, I am well aware that my child isn’t my photo-copy. She is an extension of me, an inseparable part of me, but she isn’t a miniature me. However, this understanding fails miserably the minute I don my parent cape.
From the day I started journaling my life as a parent, I have always mentioned how Pari and I are poles apart. We are dissimilar in every possible way. In fact the disparity in our personalities has often (in hours of stress) made me believe that we can never concur on anything without having a need to do so or in the absence of any pressure.
But why am I writing all this today?
Because my long absence in the month gone by was partly due to the mayhem my broadband connection caused and majorly because I’m no way being able to enjoy the differences with my child.
Before your mind wavers to think that how can a 5-year-old child antagonize a 30 something year old parent, let me share with you the complete picture.
It isn’t about Pari not being a disciplined child (on which I shall touch upon in another post) but about my lack of acceptance of our contrasting beliefs. From which side to make a parting in hair to what to eat for breakfast (despite having decided upon this the previous night) to what dress to change into post school, the list of reasons to disagree upon is endless. On more occasions than I would like to count I usually give in to Pari’s whims because those choices are merely her personal preferences but putting this kind of behavior into practice for every single decision has made me age 5 years in a month’s time.
A parent can work at being more tolerant and patient with a child, but having the child step on your toes non-stop can get very disturbing, stressful and even depressing (as in my case). The constant friction that sparks off as soon as the alarm buzzes makes a die-hard morning lover like me, dread mornings. The constant fuss on the dining table makes me lose appetite, pushing me to often get up having hardly eaten a few morsels. And I am not even touching upon the subject of balancing work-from-home in this chaos while making sure the peace in the family is maintained.
Being smart, being diplomatic is what the situation calls for because so has been the advise being poured onto me endlessly. But in my heart I can feel the situation going out of hand, slowly but surely. At 5 years, I expect my child to understand where I’m coming from when we have a one-on-one talk at peace, at a rather quiet hour when we are in a great mood and bonding well. We sleep over it and like a cloud of smoke all the ‘talk’ I gave Pari is gone with the wind. We are back to square one fighting it out like Tom and Jerry, where I’m the cat (despite my desire to be the mouse).
The struggle is real because though my parents have an opinion in my favour in the matter they choose to favor my child over me. So the onus of fixing the mess I have got myself into (not really) is entirely on me.
This is just the tip of the iceberg, an understanding into what has been stealing my peace of mind, been nibbling on my productive hours and making me worry like no-one-ever-should-have-to. But, I just can’t put this behind me, dare to look through it defying its existence because this issue is calling for action. A rather prompt one at that.
This was why I chose to sit over the problem, think deep, observe it from different angles and try to find out a solution in quick, easy steps. That’s exactly what I have been doing in the time I’ve been absent from the blogging scene. While figuring out a solution, I chose to give my undivided attention to my relationship with Pari because I know, nothing else in my life matters more than it.
On a closer look, the problem was actually not what it had seemed apparently, though this finding didn’t change the excruciating pain it inflicted on my being. All these years when I had been conveniently calling my child ‘stubborn’ she was simply being herself. The strong-willed person that she is, who prefers to lead life on her own terms even at her age. Though it is a fact that shall hold true forever, my perception of it had been flawed all along. I was failing to see some key points.
I have come a long way in the days gone by, but all that I shall be sharing in the next post .
Continue reading to the next part
The song on my mind: Tere Sang Yara ~ Rustom
The Era I Lived In 
I hear you! Mimi has a mind of her own too. And yes, we also go along with her whims when we can, but the problem is the times when it’s not possible turn into a drama. We feel it’s time for a firmer approach – though this also involves drama – to make her a) calm down from whatever point she’s hysterically insisting on b) understand that she cannot always have her way. I also explain to her later that she sometimes just has to listen even when she doesn’t want to. She is remorseful, but as you said, it’s like she’s forgotten it next time (sometimes she does remember though – like when she’s starting a drama, I say – ‘remember what we talked about yesterday’ but sometimes it doesn’t). It’s an uphill struggle figuring out the right strategy with one.
It may well turn out that like a colicky baby, this is a phase that will pass, but we can’t risk her turning into an absolute brat either.
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You said it just like I see it.
While it is very easy to let her win every time because that is one advise I get most often. But, given Pari’s level of understanding, I know it in my heart, the right time to tackle this situation actively is now.
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You must read this piece called, ‘Parenting the strong willed child’. It’s an eye opener and gone a long way towards cementing my own relationship with my daughter. At the age of ten, her challenges are different but equally tiring for me. But understanding and empathise goes a long way to building that bond we have. Hugs and I know you’ll ace this.
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I have read this piece a number of times on different occasions to help me gauge my progress on the matter from time to time. I am convinced, I have to change my course of action, that’s why I decided to write it all down to be able to see things in a better light.
Thank you dear for the much needed wishes and positive vibes.
{Hugs}
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Parenting is tough, ME. And it’s tougher when you must take care of everything alone.
I’m sure you will remain strong, and that Pari will understand as time passes. Maybe she’s going through some confusions of her own.
I hope things get better for you quickly. Both will learn a lot from these experiences. Good luck 🙂
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Indeed, parenting is all about learning new things both for the child and the parent. I sincerely hope, I am able to mold myself to end this chasm between us and co-exist peacefully with my child 🙂
Thank you Vishal for the much needed motivation when I was at an all time low.
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I heard me speaking in your blog post. I have often written about how different my children are from me and it has taken me a long long time to understand that – in fact I am still coming to terns with the thought. Oh and this decision of clothes was my undoing till I completely gave up the fight as long as they are clean. As a result my son went to birthday parties dressed in a dhoti kurta!
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I too hear myself in every post of yours. Words cant do justice to the beauty of that feeling.
Thank you OM for that tip that sometimes cutting expectations can be the ultimate trick that can be game-changer. Am so putting this into action right away.
{Hugs}
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And good that are you are different ..
You can learn from her and she can learn fom you 🙂
Tere sang yaara song is 😍
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That’s quite true Dixita, difference can be quite a learning curve.
I too love that song ❤
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I can tell you one thing about strong-willed kids: imagine how much better (or worse, depending on your perspective) it gets once the kid becomes a teenager 😀
I know you’ll figure out a solution to your parenting problems, because you are employing that strategy of analysing problems very well. It is the correct way to get to the root of any problem, not just parenting ones.
Above all, stay calm and patient. Meditate. And always think about the greater view, the long-term plan. Not just the short term squabbles and Tom and Jerry fights 🙂
Hugs and love 💟
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Love your blog. My daughter and I are the same.
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Welcome to my blog BM 🙂
May you two enjoy the similarities you share!
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