The window period

Ever since I have mustered courage to roll out secrets of my personal life on this blog, I have heard from many caring friends that I have shown immense courage and have been going strong at a time that indeed spells out nightmare-in-real-life.

It was then, that I decided to give my thoughts a form of words and share with you why I am busy detoxifying my system off all bad memories, sour moments and bitter arguments that have been constantly battling with my peace of mind 24×7 in the past many months.

I have a deadline to meet. I know many people think, that why push yourself to forget what all happened when there is a life-time to work on this. The answer to that logic is, I am in a hurry.

I might sound crazy by the end of this post. Yet, I am determined to meet this deadline, somehow, anyhow and I am all charged up to do it.

Let’s talk about the task I am referring to. I want to empty my cluttered mind of all the hurt, negative feelings and painful memories in the next one year, by the time Pari turns one and a half years old. It might appear like a herculean task from this end of the project, but I am assured by my success so far, that it is very much achievable.

Why this time period? According to my observations (which are quite imperfect and am quite new at being a parent) kids step in the world of endless questioning based on their awareness of the world and lives their friends lead by around 1.5 to two years of age. That will be the time around when, I am expecting my little darling to raise to me the question why she doesn’t have a father around, unlike all her friends. I know, I might be wrong about the age when I’ll probably be asked this, but for now I am stuck to 1.5 years.

I have no intentions of giving her any stories with a promise that her father will soon be with us, etc. I want her to understand the truth in a form, appropriate for her age right from the start. So that no-one can ever hit her with any shocking revelations that would bruise her little heart. I personally feel, all that my marriage threw at my face is nothing as compared to the possible emotional and mental trauma a child feels in the absence of a parent. I am fully aware of the fact how important fathers are for a daughter.

Though, my father will be around and by then I’ll be charged with better armamentarium to handle such crisis but still I am gradually building up the needed courage from now itself. It might sound something that people acquire when life demands them to, but since I am already aware of the possible roadblocks, I want to get working on them right away.

For a little kid, presence of parents isn’t about having someone to fulfill their demands, it’s more on the affection, care and love front. Having someone who’ll shower them with unlimited, unconditional love. At those times, I do not want any of my hurt or painful memories to surface. Not because I want to hide them from my daughter. But, because I want to try my level best to avoid filling her with any negative feelings of any kind.

Children are very sensitive, innocent souls, who actually learn a lot simply by sense and perception rather by the spoken words. I want to stay as normal as I possibly can, so that my daughter gets a life, like any other child with both parents around. I can’t be normal until I detoxify my mind of all that has been going on in my marriage.

I understand, that I am literally overworking my system, pushing myself too hard. But, it’s all worth the effort. After all, it’s for my little princess. The deficiency, the void I have in my life, is nothing when I think about our circumstances from my daughter’s perspective.

Her father was with her for a matter of a few hours, not even days. Losing a partner is nothing compared to the pain losing a parent might bring in life. Though both situations aren’t comparable, but in my situation I see them this way. I now have the responsibility of being both a mother and a father to my little daughter, which requires me to gather all the strength, all the good-will I can before things get difficult.

I know I am weird, have always been, but hope that I won’t get crazier than what I am now. In this autumn of my life, I am busy collecting all the strength, all the positive energy I can find around me to give my daughter a life, that’ll feel like a never-ending spring forever.

The one red leaf, the last of its clan,
That dances as often as dance it can,
Hanging so light, and hanging so high,
On the topmost twig that looks up at the sky.
~Samuel Taylor Coleridge

The song on my mind:

51 thoughts on “The window period

  1. Every one in this planet will have to face tough times and come across challenging situations. Its better that they are acquainted with such things little by little from a young age. There is no point in making them believe that life is a bed of roses and them getting upset at the first sight of thorns.

    I personally feel that there is no need to tell lies to kids. I know a family who adopted a son. But they told him about it at a very young age. They also told him that there is no difference between an adopted child and a natural child. That’s what a kid wants to know – They may not care if they were adopted or otherwise. Now the guy answers people who question about it, quite coolly. So, I too think that there is no need to tel lies to our kids at any age.

    Destination Infinity

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  2. As others have said you are doing good .

    ANd yes I totally understand the deadline you are talking about , for once the little one grows up she will go to school where others will talk.. and she will be all confused .. These days kids are not silly they are very intelligent. and if talked and told properly the truth they will understand.

    and yes please dont give her stories that the father will be back or this adn that.. As I said Kids are intelligent. All we need is Talk to them honestly and explain to them properly. I am sure the little one will understand it all.

    You writing this post and thinking of all this proves that you are a intelligent person and I am sure you will take care of the little one .. and soon she will grow up ..

    Take care ..I am sure you will be just fine , Both of you.

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    1. Thank you Bikram, your comment brought to me an important point, that if I am able to convey my intentions correctly in words, I am actually getting the right picture of my thoughts across 😀
      Thank you for the wishes 🙂

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  3. Strong Girl…..don’t worry…Pari would be proud of her mom…..no you don’t sound weird at all….be positive….Think positive, it attracts more positivity …..

    Hugs to you and loads of luv to Pari…

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  4. I don’t know if I can comment on such posts (except ‘hugs’) without coming off as an idiot.

    Lemme risk it anyway. Setting a deadline to get over a setback is genius. That way, even if you have not accomplished it completely, you stand quite close to it. Training the mind is like training a monkey. Sometimes the mind wants to resist the training. So please don’t beat yourself for it. Give your mind the room to heal without hurrying it up too much. Sit back when you need to rush it only when you can.

    As far as a child’s understanding of her parents’ situation is concerned, you are right in saying that you need to be a sensible, stable parent to explain things.

    All the best! And of course, hugs 🙂

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    1. The thing is, when you are determined to see everything around you in an altogether different light, are staying as optimistic you possibly can be, things automatically start looking more positive. My feelings and my emotions aren’t visible to the people around me, so the healing process is basically the act of understanding the point of let go!

      The minute you agree to let go, you begin to forget the hurt, and that’s exactly the point I am on in my life today 😀 😀
      Hugs darling, thank you for sharing your views 😀

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  5. Pari is blessed to have a mommy like you 🙂 The fact that you care so much about her, having her grow up with an honest unbiased view of the world….speaks volumes about your own outlook towards life.

    I sometimes wish my parents had been as tactful while dealing with their breakup in front of me 😐

    Your observations are so true…. it is traumatic for kids to lose one parent…it’s like losing one half of you. Being able to hear a proper explanation for it (whether it is death of a parent, divorce etc.), and another parent who makes up for it will make a lot of difference to the way Pari deals wiht life.

    Having said that, I do not know if this 1.5 years is the exact time frame for it. And remember, while you want the best for your daughter, you also want to give yourself time to heal and get over it naturally….instead of forcing yourself. A healthy and happy you automatically translates (to a large extent) to a healthier and happier daughter 🙂

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    1. I understand your point Ash. The thing to remember here is, healing begins the minute you decide you want to move out of your current scenario.

      I am not worried about being rushing myself into something that might do more harm than good because I have full understanding that one year is ample of time, given the healing I have had in the six months gone by. Setting a timer is good because you’ve got a constant reminder that you need to make a conscious effort in getting on with life cheerfully rather than sitting and sulking waiting for yourself to heal miraculously, it’s something that never happens.

      Thank you for sharing your views, they mean a lot 😀

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      1. Healing yourself miraculously never happens, and yes choosing to outgrow those memories and sulking about it is a big step. My only point is, while you keep Pari priority with the 1.5 years deadline, do not forget that sometimes some things cannot be enforced. If the memories do come back, forcefully evading them may not be the answer. Just a thought. In your bid to keep your daughter’s happiness your priority, do not forget your natural healing process in the meantime.
        On the other hand, I do agree it may also work for you….since you have something positive to focus on, to pull yourself out of the negativity. 🙂 God bless!

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        1. I totally agree with you on being OK with any memories that try to resurface, I am not trying to forcibly delete my past, I am just trying to move on with it staying where it should (in the past)!

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  6. I am so touched by this post, ME. Concern and love for your child so clearly comes through from each and every word.

    No, I don’t think you are crazy at all. I believe it is best for a child to be given the true picture – and made comfortable about it – right from the beginning. And I also believe in the importance of a parent bringing a child up only with unconditional love and no bitterness about past hurt in his/her heart. Any other way would, I feel, have a negative effect on a child. Not that I have any experience of raising a child; I am just stating what I feel.

    Kudos to you for taking such a decision. I hope you achieve the target within the timeframe you have decided on. All the very best to you and Pari. 🙂

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  7. you are not at all weird….your thoughts are practical. Many a times we tend to remove our frustrations on children…but when we think about it later we realize that it wasn’t their fault.

    I appreciate you for this…and we are here to share. Though we may not be able to help you physically…we are here to listen to your emotional vent out….go ahead….and remove all the hurt…the pain….and together we will find cure.

    Love and Hugs…and Muahhhhh(m feeling better now)
    Gayu

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    1. Thank you sweetie, in matters of hurt and pain, it’s the assurance that someone out there is listening to all you have to say that matters most 🙂
      Thank you for being there, I am what I stand to put myself as cause of the support of the people in my life. The bloggers, including you are among the very important people to have helped me survive a period of crisis 😀 😀

      Am glad you are better….take care 🙂
      Love

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  8. Touching post. I don’t think Pari will question the absence of her dad till she is 3 or 4. Because this is her default state of being. Plus most of the kids mentions their moms more (dads are not usually the primary care giver). Dad is mentioned in the same frequency like stay home g’parents I think. So, take it easy 🙂 If you try to heal in a hurry, may be you’ll not be able to heal so well which will be worse for the child I think.
    I hope you don’t mind me giving another perspective. Feel free to not publish this comment if you don’t like it. I didn’t want to sound insensitive, but I just thought that probably healing by a deadline is not such a good idea.

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      1. @Ashwathy: Were you worried about your perspective being on a different from usual track??
        Please don’t be, for every reply that rings in my comment box, helps me think over things in a different light, hence every view is important 😀

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        1. No I am just merely pointing out that someone agrees with my thoughts, so that’s always pleasant to hear/see.

          In fact it’s the other way round. I pride myself on thinking “differently” from the usual thought process. 😉

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    1. @MoRS: I am glad you voiced your views and concerns, for many people shy out on doing so. It is indeed a different perspective but very important one too, for I need to look at things from all angles.
      Thank you for showing me the hidden angle, I’ll surely keep it in my mind 😀

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  9. hugs My era! The very fact that you want to get out of the pain and hurt, is 50% job done! 🙂 I am sure with time you will heal. As for Pari, I think because she has never known her dad, her questioning will probably start much later when she is old enough to mingle with other kids and listen to them talk about someone called “a dad”. But by that time I am sure you will have all the answers to her questions. And even if not, that is fine! She will do just fine 🙂

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    1. I too hope the same. I wrote this down in a post mainly as a record of what’s been going on in my mind from a very long time.
      Many a times, when we actually say something, it makes us think more seriously about it and hence action actually happens 😀
      Thank you for sharing your views MPB 😀

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  10. You know, My era, I truly admire you for the clarity in your thoughts. And I am sure with this clarity and surety, Pari will never be deprived of any happiness or security, You are going to be a fantastic parent to her, a parent she deserves in every bit 🙂

    May God bless you two :). Hugs!

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  11. Hugs Myera. You will be fine and with you by her side Pari will be fine too.
    I understand your concern for Pari. I know it is not easy. But you are a very positive person. I am sure you will come out of this a much stronger person.
    And you are a wonderful mother to Pari 🙂 Hugs to her 🙂

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  12. I feel it is not upto me to tell you that whether the approach that you have taken is right or wrong because honestly only you know what you have gone through and thus it makes you the best judge of the situation.
    What I can say is that you will always find a moral support from us bloggers and we will surely be there to cheer u up if you feel low on a particular day. All you have to do is ping us 🙂 and yes I strongly believe in thing, if you seeing things with a positive perspective half the battle is won 🙂

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  13. You are not wierd – you are a parent – a parent who is doing her best to be the best mother that she can ever be. And that’s all we can strive to do – whether we’re a single parent or not.

    Keep up the positive attitude!!!!

    Hugs,
    Nilu

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