Ever since I have mustered courage to roll out secrets of my personal life on this blog, I have heard from many caring friends that I have shown immense courage and have been going strong at a time that indeed spells out nightmare-in-real-life.
It was then, that I decided to give my thoughts a form of words and share with you why I am busy detoxifying my system off all bad memories, sour moments and bitter arguments that have been constantly battling with my peace of mind 24×7 in the past many months.
I have a deadline to meet. I know many people think, that why push yourself to forget what all happened when there is a life-time to work on this. The answer to that logic is, I am in a hurry.
I might sound crazy by the end of this post. Yet, I am determined to meet this deadline, somehow, anyhow and I am all charged up to do it.
Let’s talk about the task I am referring to. I want to empty my cluttered mind of all the hurt, negative feelings and painful memories in the next one year, by the time Pari turns one and a half years old. It might appear like a herculean task from this end of the project, but I am assured by my success so far, that it is very much achievable.
Why this time period? According to my observations (which are quite imperfect and am quite new at being a parent) kids step in the world of endless questioning based on their awareness of the world and lives their friends lead by around 1.5 to two years of age. That will be the time around when, I am expecting my little darling to raise to me the question why she doesn’t have a father around, unlike all her friends. I know, I might be wrong about the age when I’ll probably be asked this, but for now I am stuck to 1.5 years.
I have no intentions of giving her any stories with a promise that her father will soon be with us, etc. I want her to understand the truth in a form, appropriate for her age right from the start. So that no-one can ever hit her with any shocking revelations that would bruise her little heart. I personally feel, all that my marriage threw at my face is nothing as compared to the possible emotional and mental trauma a child feels in the absence of a parent. I am fully aware of the fact how important fathers are for a daughter.
Though, my father will be around and by then I’ll be charged with better armamentarium to handle such crisis but still I am gradually building up the needed courage from now itself. It might sound something that people acquire when life demands them to, but since I am already aware of the possible roadblocks, I want to get working on them right away.
For a little kid, presence of parents isn’t about having someone to fulfill their demands, it’s more on the affection, care and love front. Having someone who’ll shower them with unlimited, unconditional love. At those times, I do not want any of my hurt or painful memories to surface. Not because I want to hide them from my daughter. But, because I want to try my level best to avoid filling her with any negative feelings of any kind.
Children are very sensitive, innocent souls, who actually learn a lot simply by sense and perception rather by the spoken words. I want to stay as normal as I possibly can, so that my daughter gets a life, like any other child with both parents around. I can’t be normal until I detoxify my mind of all that has been going on in my marriage.
I understand, that I am literally overworking my system, pushing myself too hard. But, it’s all worth the effort. After all, it’s for my little princess. The deficiency, the void I have in my life, is nothing when I think about our circumstances from my daughter’s perspective.
Her father was with her for a matter of a few hours, not even days. Losing a partner is nothing compared to the pain losing a parent might bring in life. Though both situations aren’t comparable, but in my situation I see them this way. I now have the responsibility of being both a mother and a father to my little daughter, which requires me to gather all the strength, all the good-will I can before things get difficult.
I know I am weird, have always been, but hope that I won’t get crazier than what I am now. In this autumn of my life, I am busy collecting all the strength, all the positive energy I can find around me to give my daughter a life, that’ll feel like a never-ending spring forever.
The one red leaf, the last of its clan,
That dances as often as dance it can,
Hanging so light, and hanging so high,
On the topmost twig that looks up at the sky.
~Samuel Taylor Coleridge
The song on my mind: