Bringing life on track

I have had a totally messed up year, where I had no clue what was happening, what lay ahead and how time went past.

The only thing I could feel was being caught in mid-waters of a sea of negativity, pain and hurt. Struggling to swim across,but failing miserably. No, I haven’t yet managed to reach the shore but I have started to see land, though far away.

I initially thought of listing the top issues in my life. I was taken back by the sheer number of the issues I am trying to tackle at any given point of time. So the idea was dumped with the same speed it rose.

One fine day a couple of months ago, when I had a spare minute I decided to put everything aside and give myself a second look.

I was aghast to note that I had suddenly (cause I had not taken any note of it in the past two years) started looking old, sick, depressed, unkempt and overall sad. I was taken aback by my image because everyday when I visit Pari’s school to drop and pick her, I have seen other mothers look way younger, prettier and happier than I ever do.

Not impressed by the findings, I decided to get working on reclaiming myself, wiping off the dust of neglect from myself. It was a tedious task given the depressed state I have been in lately, but i am glad I made a conscious effort to stir up my life.

The work has just started and I am slowly adding tasks to my to-do list of reclaiming myself but the results have been quite encouraging.

A simple change in my lifestyle like sleeping just an hour more than what I have sleeping for years now (4-5 hours daily) has taken care of my dark circles. All disappeared in 15 days flat. Sleeping better has done wonders to my skin, that feels humanly soft as compared to a rag that it had started feeling in the past year or so.

A switch of my face cream has made me look my age again in two months. No, it’s not the miracle of the cream (that’s why I am not mentioning which one it is). It’s the little extra care I have started taking to keep my face clean and regularly moisturize it that has brought about the change.

My health is one of the most neglected areas of my life lately and today I took my first baby step to change it. It sounds ridiculous, that an adrenaline junkie like me who loves the adrenaline rush after a workout, more than most things in life hasn’t had the time / motivation/ mood to workout in the past one year.

It felt like eternity, but finally I worked out today.

It has been a humongous task re-building life, my identity, my self-esteem from scratch after the massive blows life has been giving me repeatedly. But, today, I feel a tiny surge of peace fill me as I write that I have been trying hard to get my life on track and slowly results are beginning to show.

It’s a train of thoughts that’ll need to be continued for a long series of posts to capture all that has been going on in my life that I have missed on recording in this blog. But, I will pick up the loose ends and tie them up in due course of time.

Despite being depressed from a very long time, love for life is the only thing that has kept me trying hard to come back stronger. I am not giving up. Never. And yes, I will be back to rant more.

The song on my mind : Tum ho pass mere ~ Rockstar 

And our school journey began

When I reached the pre-school with my father and Pari, I was very anxious.

On the other hand, Pari was excited to see the swings, flowers, cartoons everywhere, while it was just another day for my father who has already done this exercise of school admissions earlier on in his life.

Meeting the principal started on a calm note because we were called in within five minutes of our arrival. It actually worked in my favor because I didn’t get anytime to panic sitting in the parent’s shoes in a school premises to add fuel to my anxiety.

We were soon seated inside the principal’s office talking business. Just as we were to discuss at length the formalities required to have Pari admitted, the principal rang a bell asking one of the teachers to take Pari around the school. I was a bit hesitant and wanted to accompany my baby, but was instructed by the principal against it.

With my one eye glued on my baby through the glass window and the other busy reading the paperwork I tried to concentrate on what the principal was uttering. Fifteen minutes later, with paperwork sorted and my bucket full of questions answered, I eased out to realize Pari had yet not returned (much contrary to my expectations).

I tiptoed in the direction of the classroom where I had seen Pari go with the teacher just to find her seated on the bench with other kids and smiling while trying to follow what all was going on. Though Pari had no clue about the very concept of a school she was sure happy being there.

I soon returned back to the waiting area outside principal’s office where the principal asked me to wait for next ten minutes as the school was about to get over and she deemed it good to let Pari sit in class till then.

While I waited for the school to get over, I tried hard to swallow the fact that my child had neither resisted going away from me with a complete stranger and neither had raised an alarm as yet.

I know, as a parent I should have been proud with the wonderful way Pari had responded to the new environment but something inside me wasn’t quite at peace. The school bell rang marking the end of the day. I darted to the class where Pari was seated, just to find her smile and say goodbye to her teacher. Soon the kids walked out in a line. Pari too followed suit, like a duckling following mother duck.

I tried to stop her but she resisted. I tried to pick her up but she blatantly refused, much to my horror. I had to distract and tempt her with the idea of going shopping straight from there to get her back to the waiting area where my father had been sitting all this while. That’s when Pari spotted the many cute toys placed on a big side table.

Within no time Pari picked a handful of those squeaky rubber toys and refused to let go off them. After lot of coaxing I finally managed to return the toys and we all stepped out of the school premises in the next ten minutes.

The following hour was spent getting photographs clicked for her admission formalities and shopping for her school bag, school uniform, lunch box and the like.

I had initially planned on getting Pari to start school from the new year, but seeing to her enthusiastic response, her school principal asked to send Pari to school from the following day itself so that she gets enough time to get used to school before the school closes for a week’s winter break. The idea appealed to me as well and thus began Pari’s school journey.

Details about how was her first week at school, coming up in the following post.

The song on my mind: Tu na jaane aas pass hai khuda ~ Anjana Anjani 

All that I pray for

I am a very spiritual person though I am hardly religious. I do not strictly follow any form of praying rituals or visiting the temple, yet I do not leave any opportunity to visit a place of worship irrespective of it being a temple, church, gurdwara or mosque.

When I was in school, one morning during the assembly session our Mother Superior taught us a lesson that changed the way I pray, forever. Quoting Socrates, she said:

“Our prayers should be for blessings in general, for God knows best what is good for us.” ~ Socrates

This followed a lengthy but an eye opening explanation on how our prayers shouldn’tnat-day-prayer be all about seeking items or wishes of personal gain. Instead, praying should mainly involve thanking the Almighty for whatever we are going through in life. Be it good or bad, just thank the Lord.

At the tender age of 10 years it was a difficult to comprehend preaching, nevertheless, it somehow struck a chord for me that I could never give up on trying the newly learnt lesson I would constantly question myself if I really wanted to thank God for the pain in my stomach or head, for forgetting my notebook at home after having spent five long hours to do the homework to end up being scolded with the kids who hadn’t done the homework. At the same time remembering to thank the Lord for escaping scolding by the principal by a whisker.

Time flew, I grew, problems and successes in my life changed magnitude but my way of praying stayed the same with the addition of uttering the ‘Gayatri Mantra’ to get my disturbed state back to its peaceful self.

When troubles cropped up in my married life, I thanked God even then, though I still had no clue what good a troubled marriage could ever do to a girl. Driven by the faith I had developed over the years I kept the practice on and each time I felt a surge of peace fill my system.

“I have come to learn that pain, suffering and failures in life are lessons God wants us to learn by example so that we never forget them. Hence, the logic to thank the Lord even when things don’t go our way or in our favor.”

From time to time I have prayed for countless reasons. Asking God to make the cutest boy in my class be my friend, for looking the best in the college farewell party, to keep my skin pimple free on all major occasions of my life, to passing the exams I had barely studied for, to helping me cope up with the miscarriage and surviving a pregnancy full of grave complications, to praying endlessly for the well being of my baby in my life’s tempest and the health of my mother fighting cancer.

I also pray each time I am preparing for a long day out that my two year old and she magically stays tantrum free, doesn’t attack the crystal glassware of the places we visit or gives up her fancy of attacking the toy section of the mall every time we visit one.

That was just the millionth fraction of the list of things I pray for.

Scary? I too think so.

Besides, my failing memory and aging brain fails to remember what all I wanted to ask God to grant me every time I am in ‘dialogue’ with the Almighty. Given that, imagine the difficulty God would have in granting (million x 7 billion) wishes.  I am a very considerate being, who tries her level best to solve problems of people in trouble cause of me, God included. Hence, I came up with easier to remember and convenient for God to grant list of things that I pray for.

I pray that God grants me with peace of mind, body (good health) and soul.

Vision to see the miracles and beauty of every moment that life gifts me. Success and failure alike.

Courage to surf through the placid as well as rough waters of time. Being strong is often the only choice life leaves us with.

Patience to have my precious smile stay put while my earlier wishes are being processed. Though with this request I often ask to upgrade it to make it ‘large’.

Faith to stay put when my reserve of patience falls to dangerously low levels.

I know there are plenty of other things we need to live this life, but over the course of time, I have learnt to sail through life with these five, basic yet powerful virtues. This is so because these five make up the foundation stones of life on which everything else rests and can be built upon.

It sure sounds weird but, doing so has been a source of immense peace and power for me lately.

I have felt my faith grow with a steep rise in my self confidence that yes, I have the power of faith backing me to face any difficulty life might throw my way. It’s complex, it’s tough to explain in words, but it’s success is seen in my strength. I feel ready to face life head on. I have fought many personal battles and I am right in the middle of troubled waters struggling to help my family during my mother’s fight against cancer. In these difficult times too my mother and I still pray for these four virtues to take us through to the end of the tunnel of hardships.

The song on my mind:  Itni shakti hume dena data ~ Ankush

Picture Source : Girl Praying