Pinched

When I was planning to have a baby, I was well aware of the expenses arrival of a new member in our family would bring along. Though I had little clue that I’ll be left with no money (literally) to call my own at a time when I need it most. I have my parents supporting me, they never ever raise a brow over anything I need. I have lived with them before I was independent but the kind of emotions and feelings I experience now are totally different from what I have felt ever before.

I don’t know if I am thinking on the right lines or am deluded by the betrayal I have suffered landing me in a broke state. It hurts me immensely to see my parents have to be over-burdened by the added expenses of their daughter and grand-daughter especially in the post-retirement phase of their lives. It pinched me somewhere deep when my father had to bear all the medical expenses throughout my pregnancy and during the never-ending medical complications that occurred during and post delivery.

When my relations with my husband were cordial (during my pregnancy) I had asked, nagged and even complained at least a hundred times about the need to help my parents with the expenses. I had asked him to help transferring funds to India (for I was too sick to tackle it all myself), but he seemed to be too busy to care. Days moved on, but the pinch has stayed. I find it impossible to forget any of it.

The only solution to this mess can be sought by me joining the workforce as soon as possible. I actually would have, had there not been too many roadblocks to make that happen. Besides, issues of missing documents and many delays in managing to get hold of duplicates, the biggest trouble is my mental state. It is rightly said all barriers begin in our mind and once we are able to conquer our thoughts, the world is conquerable.

One there aren’t any jobs in my field where I live at present, second I am too hesitant to hunt for them whole-heartedly at this point. It’s not just about leaving my little daughter and going to work for I have her grand-parents to look after her. It’s my fear (again a self-created barrier) of having to answer questions raised about the need to request for leaves and hours off work for the times I have to spend pursuing my case. I want it all to settle and then join work with a peaceful mind. It isn’t too bad an idea, but then I am again left with the pain I started writing this post with, dependence on my parents for all my needs.

It isn’t always the lack of money in the house-hold that requires you to proactively think of jumping on the workforce wagon. Rather, it is my conscience that wants me to start working again for it’ll take me a long time to get used to working in the Indian set-up. The working conditions and the atmosphere of workplaces here are very different to what I have grown used to. Besides, the long break I have had will only add to my difficulty in adjusting.

There are many big and small things I want to buy for my daughter, but because of the current circumstances I keep looking at the price tags and thinking about them endlessly till the thought that I can actually manage without these things comes to my rescue and I stop thinking about them. It does sound silly in more ways than one, but I can’t simply ignore the pinch I feel in asking my parents for anything. I have no clue from where has this formality ( if I may call it so) crept in.

I still don’t remember any single occasion when I wanted anything reasonable or useful and my wish was turned down by my parents, but still I feel a strong urge to not ask for anything more than what I need for myself or Pari. Though such occasions are very rare in itself, for I have always had things bought for me (by my parents) way ahead of the time I would ever need them. Maybe, these worries are just the creation of my sick-with-worry mind, that will take a while to go away. Maybe, I am worrying uselessly. Maybe my fears are unfounded but the truth stands, that they do exist with a very strong hold over me.

I think at this point of time, I’ll just go with the flow. I will let life show me the path and tread on it without much thought, for as far as returning to the workforce goes, two things are crystal clear. One, I need to work. When do I start depends on how things shape up. Second, this pinch and hurt will fade away in no-time. Till these two things happen, I’ll pray for peace of mind, for I think that is the most important thing I need at this moment.

The song on my mind:

52 thoughts on “Pinched

  1. Hugs ME..

    I can so understand your dilemma..going back to work after a baby is very very tough..at least it was for me…but somehow, I am a big big believer in financial independence…thats why I didnt really leave my job..

    Salutes to your parents..they are great people!

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  2. Hugs Myera. I loved your last para. You have summed it up so nicely. Your priorities are clear … its only a matter of time till you can start working again … till then see it positively … you are physically with Pari all the time. That is what a child that age requires more than anything else in the world. Enjoy your time with her and see her growing πŸ™‚

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  3. Have faith, my dear and never ever feel that you are a burden on anyone… Give yourself some years to come out of the whole mess and start your life afresh… And never ever feel like you are some kind of a burden on your parents… Your thinking like this is sure to cause them a lot of pain… And you dont want to hurt them, do you? So please stop thinking like that and concentrate on building a life for all of you…

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  4. I know exactly how u feel. I had to live the whole nine months with my brother and his family and my parents who live with him. And though my husband used to send expenses, still I was not comfortable.
    I know it gets difficulkt to get back to work after a break and mine has been a break for 5 years but for u it will be easier. Maybe you will have to change ur focus, maybe you will have to take up one which is more suitable for u presently- a part time one maybe
    All the best

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    1. I agree on the need to be flexible in my search for available opportunities. It might be tough, it will take time but I have to crack it someday and I rather do it with patience than pushing myself into it.
      Thank you Bhagyashree for the good wishes πŸ˜€

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  5. I think you could start working when pari starts going to school. The burden on your parents will be considerably lesser, then. Second, I feel that it is not wrong to ask money from one’s parents if we need it very much. But on our part, we need to keep a track of them and return it to them in someway later on. When they might need it the most.

    Destination Infinity

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    1. I am keeping my fingers crossed. The day I have the requisites to apply for a job (my documents etc.) I’ll start looking for work full on, for it’s actually going to take a while before I’ll actually land up with a job in hand.

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  6. I can understand what you are going through, ME. Honestly. Though I have never been in your shoes, I can still understand your pain.

    You could start by taking small, baby steps. I am not sure what field you work in, but you could try looking for work-from-home jobs or freelance projects. There are some firms that allow you to come in once or twice a week, while the rest of the days, you can be a SAHM. Alternatively, you could also start something of your own, a home-based enterprise. It could be anything you are good at – catering, a bookshop, a creche, anything!

    You have taken a major step in life, and just think – another leap of faith in the direction of your career will work wonders for you and your daughter. These ways will help you spend time with Pari, at the same time enabling you to earn and support your parents.

    I hope this helps.

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    1. I am open to all suggestions and ideas at the moment. I am definitely going to keep your advises in mind, for I really don’t know what lies ahead. In case nothing falls in place for my own field I’ll surely make use of alternative choices.

      Your comment provided me with a whole new set of ideas TGND…thank you for sharing your views πŸ˜€

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    2. I totally agree with TGND… There is no dearth of options around specially with the world of internet/ecommerce enabling women to work from home…

      As they say, the world is your oyster! πŸ™‚

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  7. All this comes from the fact that you were indepdent for quite a long time and I have reaslied one thing that once you start earning it feels awkward to ask for money from anyone. Add to this the fact that you are undergoing some major issues. You are undergoing a big emotional turmoil and there will be days when you doubt many things so don’t feel odd.
    But can I suggest something to you?? Why don’t you start looking for a job now?? At least test water and see what kind of offers you are getting? Unless you will try you will not now and imagine say 6 months down the line when everything is stellted and you start looking for a job it will take more time. If you start looking now you will be better prepared no?

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    1. I like the thought of testing waters. I am actually working on doing this really soon, it’s just the wait for duplicates of my documents from all over that’s been putting everything on the hold.
      I agree, the more I’ll delay the more difficult the situation will get.

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    1. Education is the basis of everything…but taking up any courses at this point in my life is a very difficult choice cause of many difficulties. But, I will keep your suggestion to guide me in case I am left with no other choices πŸ˜€
      Hugs Bhavia

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  8. This is a very heartfelt post. I’ve been reading your blog and watching you grow since a few months now. From what I can see, you will fight yet again and sail through.

    Don’t worry about your parents. Even if the thought of expenses passes their mind at times, they don’t have any problems with it at all. I’m sure as a parent you know you’ll do anything for your children. They just need your love, rest is irrelevant to them.

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  9. Sparrow

    Do not wait thinking that life will show you the path to tread on.
    You really need to start thinking of the path right now.
    Working is more than just financial independence.
    From what I see, you will engage yourself in something worthwhile instead of crying your days out. Its important for you to prepare for your financial future.
    Your parents are aging and they will feel a lot better once you start working.
    I understand that in the place that you stay there may not be many opportunities. But you really need to find one. See if the law officials can do anything to get your certs from abroad.
    Once you start juggling the roles of daughter, mother and professional, many questions you may have regarding your life may get answered.

    Good luck

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    1. I totally agree with your last line..the best way to heal is to divert your mind away from the wounds…I am pro-actively working on getting the certificates issue sorted πŸ™‚
      Thank you for the wishes Sparrow

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  10. Hugs ME!
    ‘Till these two things happen, I’ll pray for peace of mind, for I think that is the most important thing I need at this moment.’ – Amen to that. I am sure everything will start to fall into place very soon.

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  11. I so do understand Myera. I really don’t understand how or why this formality came into the relationship with our parents after marriage. But this is just the feeling honey..a mere feeling. They are always there and always will. Your situation now is that you want to work, but you can’t. So, take this chance to be with pari and your parents. You can probably try taking any tutions for the kiddos around your neighborhood..if that works out for you. And it also gives you a kind of satisfaction…But again, I can say or advice..coz I only see, but you feel. So, you are the best decisionmaker. Hugs to you dear!

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    1. You are right Anu…this is a moment for me to learn the new role of being a parent by learning from my parent’s example…I will try my best to make the most of this opportunity πŸ˜€
      Thank you sweetie for your encouraging words πŸ™‚
      Hugs dear

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  12. Just think how it would be if the situation were reversed. If it was your parents who needed your financial help for some reason. Wouldn’t you rise to the occassion? Wouldn’t you be happy that you were able to help them in their time of need? Wouldn’t you be proud of yourself? I think parents are like that too! And the fact that you think this way also says a lot about your parents and how well they have brought you up!

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  13. {HUGS} As you have rightly said – dont worry about the money part just yet and the work part. Im sure once you get back to fulltime work things will start looking a lot better financially.

    Your parents are suuper parents!

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  14. I’ve seen many parents accusing their daughters, that they were incapable of adjusting and compromising…i’ve also met parents who have easily refused to take the responsibility of their divorced daughter and children.When someone very close to me faced this…even her parents didn’t stand for her. At that time I was hurt…but now after reading this post…I feel you are very lucky to get such lovely parents. God is really great…he has given you one support…and I believe it’s the biggest support.

    Resuming work…a big question….!!!! I know it is very hard…I had rejoined when Samu was 5 months…and i know the physical and mental trauma…the guilty trips…and Blahhh blahhhh…!!!

    Give some time to yourself…and I’m sure…a way will show up.

    Till then…take care my dear…!!!!!

    Lots of love and hugs….and Muahhhhh to nanhi Pari:)
    Gayu

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    1. I have been lucky on this front (touch wood) but then I sometimes feel when God closes one door he opens up several other doors.

      Maybe this phase was important to teach me the virtues I need to become a better person, a better parent and even a better daughter than what I have been till now πŸ™‚

      Thank you Gayu for always being there, it means a lot to me.

      Love to Samu and yourself

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  15. My bestie has coined a term – net practice. She says one must keep giving interviews even if one is not ready to work yet. That is like net-practice. You prepare, you are in touch with your field, your confidence boosts with every interview and most importantly, you are always reminded about taking up a job in the future in a positive way. Keep rejecting the offers, who cares? When you are finally ready, and the offer is good, accept it. Simple!

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    1. I like the idea CR and in fact I have actually done things on these lines when I was working, so I am totally in agreement to what your bestie says πŸ˜€ :D…but for net practice with interviews you need to have the basic documents in place and that’s where I am stuck at the moment

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  16. I will pray for you to get all the required documents / duplicates back ASAP. Financial independence is very much necessary, I understand. Like CR said, you can keep doing the Net Practice. But at the same time, do not let your parents feel that you think you are burdening them. They will be hurt Era.

    Lotttsa tight hugs coming your way πŸ™‚

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    1. I totally agree with your point on not showing the hurt…I have been trying my best to stay calm and composed for I don’t want to give them any more pain than they are already suffering cause of this mess.
      Lots of love and hugs from Pari and myself πŸ˜€

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  17. You have got very nice parents,ME. Don’t think of yourself as a burden to your parents. Parents actually get a lot of satisfaction by helping their children.

    Once you get your certificates thing done, you will be all set to look for a job and you will get it soon too. Then you can pay them back in one form or another.

    All the best!

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  18. While you’re at home, maybe you can start volunteering at a local school or preschool. There are a number of smaller schools is India that need the help. They don’t pay much but it’s a good way to keep oneself occupied. Also, when you put in the work and effort as a volunteer, people are more open to offering you a paid position. That or offering tuitions from home. Something the occupies you for some time and in some small measure, offers you financial relief.

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