When I was planning to have a baby, I was well aware of the expenses arrival of a new member in our family would bring along. Though I had little clue that I’ll be left with no money (literally) to call my own at a time when I need it most. I have my parents supporting me, they never ever raise a brow over anything I need. I have lived with them before I was independent but the kind of emotions and feelings I experience now are totally different from what I have felt ever before.
I don’t know if I am thinking on the right lines or am deluded by the betrayal I have suffered landing me in a broke state. It hurts me immensely to see my parents have to be over-burdened by the added expenses of their daughter and grand-daughter especially in the post-retirement phase of their lives. It pinched me somewhere deep when my father had to bear all the medical expenses throughout my pregnancy and during the never-ending medical complications that occurred during and post delivery.
When my relations with my husband were cordial (during my pregnancy) I had asked, nagged and even complained at least a hundred times about the need to help my parents with the expenses. I had asked him to help transferring funds to India (for I was too sick to tackle it all myself), but he seemed to be too busy to care. Days moved on, but the pinch has stayed. I find it impossible to forget any of it.
The only solution to this mess can be sought by me joining the workforce as soon as possible. I actually would have, had there not been too many roadblocks to make that happen. Besides, issues of missing documents and many delays in managing to get hold of duplicates, the biggest trouble is my mental state. It is rightly said all barriers begin in our mind and once we are able to conquer our thoughts, the world is conquerable.
One there aren’t any jobs in my field where I live at present, second I am too hesitant to hunt for them whole-heartedly at this point. It’s not just about leaving my little daughter and going to work for I have her grand-parents to look after her. It’s my fear (again a self-created barrier) of having to answer questions raised about the need to request for leaves and hours off work for the times I have to spend pursuing my case. I want it all to settle and then join work with a peaceful mind. It isn’t too bad an idea, but then I am again left with the pain I started writing this post with, dependence on my parents for all my needs.
It isn’t always the lack of money in the house-hold that requires you to proactively think of jumping on the workforce wagon. Rather, it is my conscience that wants me to start working again for it’ll take me a long time to get used to working in the Indian set-up. The working conditions and the atmosphere of workplaces here are very different to what I have grown used to. Besides, the long break I have had will only add to my difficulty in adjusting.
There are many big and small things I want to buy for my daughter, but because of the current circumstances I keep looking at the price tags and thinking about them endlessly till the thought that I can actually manage without these things comes to my rescue and I stop thinking about them. It does sound silly in more ways than one, but I can’t simply ignore the pinch I feel in asking my parents for anything. I have no clue from where has this formality ( if I may call it so) crept in.
I still don’t remember any single occasion when I wanted anything reasonable or useful and my wish was turned down by my parents, but still I feel a strong urge to not ask for anything more than what I need for myself or Pari. Though such occasions are very rare in itself, for I have always had things bought for me (by my parents) way ahead of the time I would ever need them. Maybe, these worries are just the creation of my sick-with-worry mind, that will take a while to go away. Maybe, I am worrying uselessly. Maybe my fears are unfounded but the truth stands, that they do exist with a very strong hold over me.
I think at this point of time, I’ll just go with the flow. I will let life show me the path and tread on it without much thought, for as far as returning to the workforce goes, two things are crystal clear. One, I need to work. When do I start depends on how things shape up. Second, this pinch and hurt will fade away in no-time. Till these two things happen, I’ll pray for peace of mind, for I think that is the most important thing I need at this moment.
The song on my mind: