Dawn

Being a parent is a life changing experience. Ever since Pari stepped in my life, I have had the opportunity to understand my self, my behavior and everything that makes me, in a new light. I say so, for everything I do now impacts two lives closely. Her and mine.

When you are fully responsible for someone’s life, you are forced to think twice before you do anything. It sounds weird, but is true. There have been times when I had considered taking drastic measures to bring an end to the sufferings that came my way in the past year. It happened on occasions more than one, when depression took over me and I wanted to break free and run away to a far off land.

At all those times, being solely responsible for providing everything my daughter needs kept me back. It was my decision to be a parent, to be able to support a life and shoulder every responsibility my decision sent my way. So I need to stand by my choice.

There have been moments when all my attempts to pacify a cranky baby fail. She refuses to be distracted by even her favorite songs, my crazy dancing, food, toys and almost anything that I can think of. At those times, I have sometimes wondered how easy it has been for my ex-husband to walk away from the duties of a father.

Trust me, in those moments of fatigue and utter frustration pacifying thoughts of how fulfilling it is to be a parent didn’t bother to trespass my mind. It isn’t that I don’t have full realization of what a child means to me, but then I too am a human being. I too get tired, I too have moments of emotional meltdown and I too can be wrong.

The biggest surprise of this whole dilemma is, the minute Pari finally doses off full realization of how beautiful my life is with her being there comes racing to me. There have been hardly a handful of such moments, but they hold an important place for me. Not because I feel guilty of thinking that way, but because they help me see the other side of the coin better at a point when life is beginning to change course.

In recent times, I have been actively looking for a job. While imagining my life as a working woman, I can clearly see the number of hours I’ll be away from my baby. As this realization has seeped in my system, I have come to believe how very difficult it will be for me in the start. It will be then that I will crave for all these crazy moments of chasing Pari around for various reasons.

Life is crazy, but I love it the way it is for it knows how toΒ maintainΒ its balance. It knows well to keep us craving for a change and in turn hoping that tomorrow shall be different. It’s this hope that helps us live through the darkest of nights for a new dawn awaits at the other end.

That’s why I say, becoming a parent changes everything. It makes the difference of someone wanting to kill herself to someone wanting to live to see her daughter grow and have a beautiful life ahead.

The song on my mind: Tere bina zindagi se ~ Aandhi

32 thoughts on “Dawn

  1. Kids are treasures. The joy of being a parent is magical. Being a mother has its great rewards. Happy memories that will be with you until you leave this earth.

    You may wonder how easy it has been for your ex-husband to walk away from the duties of a father. He is the unlucky one. He is not able to enjoy the pleasures of being a father to sweet little Pari.

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  2. “Life is crazy, but I love it the way it is for it knows how to maintain its balance. It knows well to keep us craving for a change and in turn hoping that tomorrow shall be different. It’s this hope that helps us live through the darkest of nights for a new dawn awaits at the other end”

    You said it ME. Each one of us are alive with this hope only that tomorrow shall be better.

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  3. chaitalichari

    Its nice to read about mother and child bonding, i had da same feeling reading scribby blog..
    Have u read the book name “Mahashweta” by Sudha Murthy, if not i would suggest u to read it.

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  4. You know ME, everytime someone asks me the reason for not being married so far and if I understand the need to be married etc etc. I reply that my biggest dream is to be a mother, but the problem is I am still looking for a suitable father for my children πŸ˜‰

    It would be wrong on my part to say I understand as I am yet to have my own children but yes I can truly feel the pleasure from your words that bringing up a child brings with it!!

    Sending loads of hugs and kisses to Pari ❀

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    1. Though I wouldn’t deny that becoming a parent does change our perspective about everything in life but what we are as a person stays the same majorly. So if you have all your priorities in life thought well ahead and are very clear about them, trust me they’ll help you stay sane, focused and happy forever πŸ™‚
      Loads of love from Pari and myself πŸ˜€

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  5. Very honest and a heartfelt post!

    Tough times are just a passing phase. They will pass too. I am sure Pari will grow up and say how good a job her mother did bringing her up! I am sure you will do very well.

    Hugs My Era πŸ™‚

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  6. Having an anchor in life is a different feeling. I remember how I always made fun of marriages and thought that it is so difficult to live with the same person all your life. Then I got married and everything changed.
    I think our experiences change our perceptions and that is something very human.

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  7. Your priorities rapidly change, you learn to sort the good from the bad, and what you can do without, or cannot do without, you become grateful for the happiness in your life, and then yet you crib sometimes when the going gets tough. All part of a new phase…. and you are chugging along nicely. No worries πŸ™‚ Keep it going steady!

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  8. same here dear.. at times i feel so frustrated, and next minute i feel there is no life without bunty.. may be that is how this relation is supposed to be.. for that matter any relation.. πŸ˜›

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  9. C

    you owe it your kid to lead a happy life. That is the best lesson you can teach a kid. kids don’t just need you to provide for them but they need to see you happy. If you are miserable, they will learn to be miserable. If you are happy, they learn how to be happy and content in life. Coming from a troubled family where my mom had ideas of ending it all, my life literally fell apart the day i was old enough to realize my mom’s life was hell. It is like one day you are a happy kid and the next day your bubble is shattered once you see the pain and tears.

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    1. Very well said C, that is a very important aspect of parenting we often tend to overlook. Our kids are our mirror images, we mould their personalities by our actions and behavior and not by what we preach.
      Thank you for sharing your personal experience and reminding me an important aspect of parenting.

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    1. I am trying hard to steer through the low and negative, since you said so, I believe my efforts are showing πŸ™‚
      Thank you LF for always being there…love you πŸ™‚

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  10. Dil On The Rocks

    sorry times were tough for you
    And as you already know you pari will make everything right for you
    She will be worth everything
    Loads of love ❀

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  11. I think in everyday life, the bigger onus of parenting falls on the mother. So I guess it involves mightier responsibilities, bigger sacrifices but the biggest rewards too. Fathers can never step in and fill in that gap but a mother can do it all! Be strong and wishing positive and cheerful changes your way!

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  12. I have lost the count of times I have stated this, but I wont tire by saying it again πŸ˜›
    You are so clear-headed ME. You inspire.
    Any kind of relationship changes you. More so when it is a mother and daughter. Your life revolves and rotates around Pari. It will be difficult in the initial days when you will be a working mom, but slowly and gradually both of you will fall into a routine, making each and every moment spent with each other count πŸ™‚

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