Being a parent is a life changing experience. Ever since Pari stepped in my life, I have had the opportunity to understand my self, my behavior and everything that makes me, in a new light. I say so, for everything I do now impacts two lives closely. Her and mine.
When you are fully responsible for someone’s life, you are forced to think twice before you do anything. It sounds weird, but is true. There have been times when I had considered taking drastic measures to bring an end to the sufferings that came my way in the past year. It happened on occasions more than one, when depression took over me and I wanted to break free and run away to a far off land.
At all those times, being solely responsible for providing everything my daughter needs kept me back. It was my decision to be a parent, to be able to support a life and shoulder every responsibility my decision sent my way. So I need to stand by my choice.
There have been moments when all my attempts to pacify a cranky baby fail. She refuses to be distracted by even her favorite songs, my crazy dancing, food, toys and almost anything that I can think of. At those times, I have sometimes wondered how easy it has been for my ex-husband to walk away from the duties of a father.
Trust me, in those moments of fatigue and utter frustration pacifying thoughts of how fulfilling it is to be a parent didn’t bother to trespass my mind. It isn’t that I don’t have full realization of what a child means to me, but then I too am a human being. I too get tired, I too have moments of emotional meltdown and I too can be wrong.
The biggest surprise of this whole dilemma is, the minute Pari finally doses off full realization of how beautiful my life is with her being there comes racing to me. There have been hardly a handful of such moments, but they hold an important place for me. Not because I feel guilty of thinking that way, but because they help me see the other side of the coin better at a point when life is beginning to change course.
In recent times, I have been actively looking for a job. While imagining my life as a working woman, I can clearly see the number of hours I’ll be away from my baby. As this realization has seeped in my system, I have come to believe how very difficult it will be for me in the start. It will be then that I will crave for all these crazy moments of chasing Pari around for various reasons.
Life is crazy, but I love it the way it is for it knows how to maintain its balance. It knows well to keep us craving for a change and in turn hoping that tomorrow shall be different. It’s this hope that helps us live through the darkest of nights for a new dawn awaits at the other end.
That’s why I say, becoming a parent changes everything. It makes the difference of someone wanting to kill herself to someone wanting to live to see her daughter grow and have a beautiful life ahead.
The song on my mind: Tere bina zindagi se ~ Aandhi