Change

As I’d written earlier, the last full week was spent with my nephew, niece and family visiting us. The giggles, babble, jokes, tricks, falls, food, laughter, shopping, gifts and goodness kept me too occupied to even think about my virtual life.

It was a good change from my monotonous life and brought along many new thoughts and revelations about my life and how things have changed in recent times. I’ll be posting details about the various thoughts that crossed my mind in the week gone past but the one thing that I wish to record today is something I want to record for countless reasons. For better evaluation over time being the prime thought but somewhere deep inside there is somethingΒ that I am failing to put a finger to at this point of time.

I have not come to terms with the extra-attention, extra-pampering and the sympathetic (though never expressed in direct words) attitude people in my life show towards Pari for being a child being brought up by a single parent. I cannot overlook the fact how everyone tries to be extra-nice with Pari and gift her generously in an attempt to cover up the void (that they believe exists in her life in the form of a missing father). It has been going on in various forms and I have been successfully swallowing this bitter pill without expressing my dislike for it.

But, the reality stands, I don’t like it. My heart bleeds seeing people going out of their way to gift things trying to prove that a child needs more and more toys and dresses to feel happy and secure, which a single mother cannot provide.

OK I know I am being too harsh and judgmental with people who make up my family by saying so, but yes, it is what I feel. I want my daughter to be treated normally, not specially. No denial that everyone loves extra-attention, but I don’t find it appropriate the way it is being showered on my baby ever since the D word ( divorce) stepped in my life.

I want the people in our lives to be around us, love us, care for us, but like they always did. Just because I do not have a partner or Pari has only one parent to bring her up, it really doesn’t make us eligible for unwanted sympathy. It pinches my heart and steals the joy of seeing my baby being gifted lavishly when I see people going overboard when shopping for her, thinking aloud that they feel sorry for my Pari. Charity begins at home but should never be done in a way that steps on someone’s self-pride.

Maybe I am over-reacting at this point of time, but that’s how I am learning new lessons every single day.

The song on my mind: Qatra qatra milti hai ~ Ijazat

32 thoughts on “Change

  1. I understand how you feel. In my family, there is a tendency to do this with the children who are adopted. I have a cousin who is adopted and now a niece who is adopted. I know with my cousin other families members bought her more gifts and made more of a fuss over her partly because she was adopted but also because her parents were less well-off than others in our family. However, an added element was that this adopted cousin was one of the last baby cousins in our family and some of the older cousins were earning by then and looking for someone to spoil. Sometimes I wondered if my aunt and uncle noticed and felt bad but then maybe they just interpreted it as people welcoming the new baby plus my cousin was really a cutey. So that might also be a dynamic in your family…that some members actually are in a position to lavish gifts on someone and Pari is there. Maybe she is just super cute and draws more attention?

    I think if really bothers you, you could let people know, though kind of tricky to do without sounding weird. I would only object if it’s really obvious that it’s being done in a pitying way… otherwise, take it as positive?

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  2. I have seen that happen a lot of times ME..where people get extra generous with kids of single parents..

    Guess..as long as it doesnt go overboard..let it be…if you think it goes to the extent of spoiling Pari..thats when you should put a stop of it

    hugs

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    1. I agree with you RM, I guess at the moment I’ll just go with the flow just keeping a close watch to keep a tab on things at a later date when Pari is old enough to be talked to πŸ™‚
      Hugs dear

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  3. I think its rather nice that you had these visitors, I’d also like to point out that humans are compassionate and caring, especially those who have children. Most cases people put themselves in the shoes of others and get a feel of how life must be like – and as a result it makes them show more love and affection.

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    1. I have to agree with you TBAB, I can actually see a lot of concern and genuine care in those gestures but sometimes too much sweet tends to leave a tad bitter taste in mouth, maybe I had one of those moments that prompted me to feel what I wrote.

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  4. I can so relate to this….Since my mother’s death people were being very sympathetic towards me and my sister…it is not just the family, even the ones who were not really close to us began feeling sorry for us. This gets to your nerves.

    These days everybody thinks they should find a match for me….. they think they are being helpful to the family!!! I would really appreciate it if they treated me normally. Maybe their intentions are good but like you said it is hurtful and irritating as well.

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    1. Exactly Rebel, so many people sympathise in the most hurting ways that when genuine love & care tries to approach us we just can’t help feeling over-stepped and irritated. Too tough to recognize the true intentions of people around.
      I can totally understand your pain sweetie.
      Hugs

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  5. Family is always fun. Isnt it? πŸ™‚

    I think you need to put a tab on everyone giving special attention to Pari. That wont be good for her as she is too young to understand. I am not sure if talking to her helps, but maybe you should tell her anway and also the other members. I dont think you are over reacting, its nice that depite the situation you are well aware of whats happening for Pari and you can stop it if you want and whenever you want. πŸ™‚

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  6. I understand what you mean. I really do. But at this point I would suggest you be gentle about it. Let her grow up a bit and then you can take a call depending on how much further your family is taking it.

    Give them a break. They mean well. Atleast they are being considerate to your condition (in their own way) rather than being callous about it. πŸ™‚

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    1. You are so right Ash, I many times wonder, I wouldn’t have been what I am without caring friends like you who always show me the light beyond the bend πŸ™‚
      Love you πŸ˜€

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  7. I think this is a getting used to period for them too and with time things will fall in to their natural grove. I know this from watching a doll of a girl up in front of my eyes from the time she was a year old. Also with family you can talk about it and let your thoughts known. That way you will have given words to what you are feeling and might help all of you deal with the situation better.

    Hugs!

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    1. I agree Comfy, talking about anything bothering us is the best way to tackle issues in a family, afterall they are all our people. Thank you dear for that awesome tip πŸ™‚
      Hugs

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  8. I can really understand how you feel ME. Somehow most people think, materialistic gifts can change a situation – its their way of perceiving things. I am sure they mean it in a good way.. inorder to bring you happiness – again I understand it doesnt bring happiness all the time. Dont take these things to heart.. I know easier said. Hiugs!!

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  9. I think you can take this positively… It shows how much they support you… I am sure Pari is supper-cute which is all the more reason to pamper her πŸ™‚

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  10. I agree with Ashwathy, at least they are being considerate. There are instances wherein people get totally indifferent, to the point of being rude and downright hurting. You are wise enough to draw a line when needed πŸ™‚

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    1. It’s a difficult call to draw the line for the family for the betterment of a baby who actually loves being gifted generously for she has no clue what’s going on. This post actually helped me get many things clear in my head for future action and reference πŸ™‚
      Hugs sweetie

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  11. no Era, you are not at all over reacting. This happens and I’ve seen this with many families. One of my close friends is a Divorcee. She earns very well and has everything set, but just because she is a single parent, everyone seems to pamper her son to the core.
    “Jaane do na, uske papa nahi hai na”. I get very irritated when I hear such things. Her relatives get loads of choclates and toys and clothes whenever they come to visit her.

    The mentality of Indian society…will it ever change???

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