Everyday I open my blog and plan on writing a post, but the one issue I so desperately want to talk about prevents me from writing beyond the initial few lines.
I am plain confused as to how to address the situation that has been taking a toll on my life, my peace of mind and is making me feel lack of energy and time all the time.
Pari’s violent tantrums. I am not sure if it is normal for her age, for very honestly getting enough time to browse and read articles online hasn’t been possible owing to lot of reasons. Prime being fatigue and issues with the wi-fi at my home and lately WordPress eating up my long drafts mysteriously. Anyway, I digress.
I am well aware of the extreme behavior gene Pari has inherited from her father. The kind of angry outbursts she shows having striking resemblance to that of her paternal grand-father and off course her father. But, that is when the big BUT steps in my life. I believe, genetics is a major determinant. Agreed. But, I can’t just sit and watch her do all she feels compelled by a rage attack and say, “She’ll do it cause she has acquired these traits.” That is so not me.
I am not trying to fight her or to fight back nature but instead trying my level best to find a solution, find a way out and about this tricky mess of a situation. Had it been happening once in a while, I wouldn’t have been so concerned, but these angry outbursts have slowly taken up the role of being the best buddy of her toddler stubbornness. Each time I refuse to let her do or get what she is eyeing I am punished. Either by stomping feet, yelling, throwing the things in her hands or near her, banging her head against the chair if she is sitting on one, to even biting me and hitting me.
The mother in me has been putting off from writing about this particular series of events from a long time, but I think I can’t play the cool me anymore without finding a vent to my piled up emotions. Hence, I am finally trying to capture all these trying times on my blog. I am quite sure many of you are startled by my description of Pari’s behavior, my mother too is. It is because, her own daughter has always been the coolest and most obedient daughter she has ever come across. So all this is pretty shocking for my parents too.
Though, I have a very different perspective to this whole phenomenon, if I may call it one. I have lived with a man who showed this kind of angry outbursts as an adult while I was at the receiving end. The good that came out of this evil is, I know it well how Pari’s mind is working each time she is doing something similar. But, the real worry gnawing at the parent in me is how to control this behavior at this very stage, how to nip it in the bud before it blooms to create an angry monster in my precious child.
The worry has been burning me down. The sleepless nights are back. The extreme fatigue I feel during the post-dinner time when I am trying hard to work on the Internet keeps me from reading up anything useful. Or should I say I many times try to take a break from the emotional ride I live all through the day trying to balance the disciplinary in me with a soft-hearted mother, that I often choose to read something light and humorous.
The bad news is, struggling and juggling to be a single parent has started taking a toll on my peace of mind. I seem to be logged with a double share of worries of being both a mum and a dad to my daughter. Yes, my parents are there to help out, but I can never make myself turn off the thought that “I am solely responsible for everything Pari needs to have in life”. I don’t know if it is a good thought or a not so good one, I always see myself standing on the first line of responsibility, which I feel should be the way.
The quest to find answers, comfort and solutions has just started. Here I am, already feeling nervous about how will I handle the mammoth responsibility of being a single parent. Every stepping stone makes the journey one stone shorter, so I’ll be back soon with more chunks of my life as a parent and how I am dealing with them.
The Song on my mind: Ye kya jagah hai doston ~ Umrao Jaan