Back in time when I had tied the knot, if anyone asked me what were our plans for having a baby, I’d tackle the question like any other newly-wed. Buying time saying ‘we are still learning our ways in the new relationship’. But deep in my heart, I harboured self-doubt that I could ever make a good mother.
When such thoughts used to cloud my mind for longer than 20 minutes, I used to qualm my anxiety saying “I’ll cross the bridge when I get to it.”
Three years into my married life, this happened. That was the starting point of my yearning to be a mother. Even at that point in life, I could never come up with a logical explanation to what had made me desperate for motherhood. In fact, I couldn’t, even in the years that followed come up with an explanation as to what ignited in me the rapacious longing. The events around my pregnancy and my child’s birth had plagued my already confused mind with the guilt of having been pushed into single-motherhood owing to my fanaticism of wanting to procreate.
Looking back, I can see myself writhing in self-destructive guilt, thinking how I could have seen the imminent death of my marriage looming large. If only, I had spared enough time and thought to the life around me rather than lusting for a baby day in and day out. As insensitive and senseless this might sound, the literally dwelled on these thoughts while battling depression post divorce. I couldn’t look beyond the hurt, the pain, my precious child would have to undergo growing up without a father.
Till recently, I couldn’t answer the question, “How would I have changed the course of events if I had the power to do so?”
But, today is different. It struck like a bolt of lightening. A gust of fresh air that infused sense and awakening in my being. The life that I had pronounced merciless, today comes across as rather kind and considerate.
To understand what I have been trying to say, we will have to look back at my married life from the start. If you’ve been a part of my blogging journey from early on, you’d know my relationship with my in-laws was strained from day one. Things were calm and happy on the surface between me and my (ex) husband. Though what lay beneath, raised its ugly head much later.
There are some loses which we grieve, silently, all our lives. Losing an unborn child in the womb (in simpler words a miscarriage) is one of them. At that point of time, I had questioned life asking “What had I done to deserve this pain?” to which I have found the answer after over 7 years.
When I had begun to doubt my karma. Formed a habit of doubting the alignment of my stars, the only thing I could sense was impending doom. I was clueless about the why, what, when and how of it. But I had a strong gut feeling that something big, like a black hole was approaching me, too fast for me to save myself from being swallowed by it. And exactly the same happened around the time my child was born.
In the past 5 years, the one thing I failed hard to understand was “Why did the birth of my child coincide with the death of my marriage?”
I have come up with innumerable theories of my own. Tried to study the sequence of events from many angles but the answer came to me just a couple of days ago.
When I doubted life’s intentions, when I was busy cursing my stars, when I was mourning the severance of the ties that I’d hoped will last a lifetime, destiny was actually busy saving me.
Saving me? Err…yes.
Life had watched me closely suffering in my marriage. Destiny had heard my prayers, requesting freedom from the fears, the emotional anguish, the psychological trauma I had to live with every moment of my existence.
But life didn’t want me to give up. It didn’t want me to land up with no love in my life. Instead, it chose to change the form of love from unrequited and conditional to an unconditional, pure form. It took away my uncaring, selfish husband but gifted me an adorable child.
“The hardest thing about “everything happens for a reason” is waiting for that reason to show up.” ~ Karen Salmansohn
The energy I could have spent in preserving negativity of my marriage is now channelised to the upbringing of a beautiful baby who is busy giving new dimensions and meaning to my life, every single day.
What I had been thinking of as a curse, a bane, is actually a blessing in disguise.
The song on my mind: Zehenaseeb ~ Hasee Toh Phasee