I have often taken pride in the fact how I could drift away to deep sleep in matter of minutes of hitting the sack. Be it the night before the exam or even job interviews, I might wake up bit early than my routine but I always slept well.
This changed the day I got married. As if someone had put off the switch of my sound sleep. Thoughts of my day at work, the lines I’d read, conversations and arguments I’d had would swim through my mind, ensuring I didn’t feel at peace. This transition was so dramatic that some nights I hardly slept 4 hours after a 12 hour work-day and doing every bit of house work myself. This was my first encounter with dark circles.
I believe, given my age the skin under my eyes was pretty forgiving because these dark circles would disappear as soon as I had a rested sleep. But this trend of spending sleepless nights took a rather strange turn around 8 years ago. From then on, I’d spend a sleepless night every time my life was due for a change.
At first, I thought of it as a mere coincidence but it proved to be much more than that. The thoughts circling my mind, the images bolting through my over-worked system, somehow conjured up a premonition of a life-changing event. It was as daunting as it sounds, shearing my peace, threatening to tear my sanity apart. But, nothing that I knew of, meditation included, could get those thoughts out of my system till the impending change happened. And when it did, I’d be left gobsmacked by the deja vu feeling.
The last time this series of events began to cloud my mind, I decided to note their pattern, pay heed to their cycle and also try to find answers to what triggered them. In the back of my mind, I’d always tagged my insecurities as the driving force of this insane-insomniac-episodic phenomenon but this time I was amazed to note that it was something more positive and powerful.
My analysis has shown me that every time, life was forcing me to move my sails, giving me signs about what I must do next, it boosted my confidence enough to bring about the change I ought to. When the high tide of sleepless nights, signs, action and finally a positive change, ebbed, I realized how life had been helping me tick boxes on my bucket list. Doing so with a nudge, I so often fail to give myself while chilling out, procrastinating.
It is like a desire born, eyeing a tree laden with green mangoes that I pass every morning. I tell myself that I’ll pluck them as soon as they show hint of ripening while being fully aware that they might not last that long. Birds and people like me, might be harboring similar thoughts. Still I choose to act lazy and keep postponing the action.
One night, I wake up one hour into sleep dreaming about the kids stoning the tree, birds going on a tasting spree, throwing down mangoes in scores after a teeny-tiny bite and when I walk past the tree, all I see are leaves glistening in golden sunlight and no fruit at all.
No-matter how hard I try to sleep over this dream, I can’t help but wake up an hour earlier than my routine. I choose to step out 40 minutes earlier than my usual morning walk time, armed with a big bag and a stick. And found the mangoes intact, showing hints of the golden glow of ripening on their cheeks.
But today, I saw them with a different mind-set. I was ready with a stick and a bag and I charged like a warrior, bagging 14 kilo of mangoes and spending the following days cooking many pickles, jams, chutneys, souffle and a second round of bagging 12 kilo more mangoes. Though this happened around 6 years ago, but the events that happen till date follow a similar pattern.
I kow you’re wondering, why am I recording it all today?
Because the sleepless nights are here and I can’t wait to have myself pushed into a whirlwind of change yet again.
Do you believe in signs?
Have you experienced anything like this?
The song on my mind: Mujhe neend na aaye ~ Dil