I have been wishing this negativity away from a long time. I tried extinguishing it through mediation, washing it in sweat working out like crazy, let is pass slowly by ignoring it, giving it a tough fight by working around it. But it just won’t go away. It just won’t let me be.
Finally, I have chosen to do what I always do, write it all down and pin it up in words on the blog. I’m hoping a dose of public attention might convince it to let me be, finally.
The monotonous routine, non-stop tantrums of my child, building work pressure and the drama that my life has become lately (or rather I have let it become) are taking a toll on my mental health. Minutes before I started typing, I had the urge to leave everything and just run away to a far away land. I want to do that even now. But it’s the anchor of the many responsibilities that I shoulder that has kept me from doing anything crazy.
In the past couple of months, the unsettling feeling of being stuck in the muck from years, has been gnawing at my soul. I feel as if I have stopped growing. I am no longer the person I had come to be proud of because I simply can’t stop the negative emotions from getting the better of me.
Just last week, I baked a number of cakes and cupcakes that turned out very well, but they too failed in alleviating my mood. There are a few things at the back of my mind that I want to write about, but unknown fears lurking in my mind have been stopping me from opening that Pandora’s box. Today, while writing this, I can feel a compelling need to finally put pen to paper and say all that I’m holding back.
Where everything else has failed, maybe, emptying my head space would do the trick and relieve my tension.I have learnt from experience how crippling the feelings of emotional burnout can be, how damaging depression is in the long run. The battle is ongoing, I need to keep kicking and moving my arms to stay afloat. I have to fight back. I have no choice but to win this battle somehow. I have to do it for myself. I have to do it for all I love.
I took a leap or rather was pushed out of my comfort zone a month ago. I know, I had the choice to take the offer or leave it. But given that I have taken the first step, I might as well work hard, learn my way and try to build a new life around it. Not mentioning anything because I haven’t done anything worth mentioning, but will write at length when I do make progress.
Like with children, distraction works very well with me. Having jotted down 480 odd words in past fifteen minutes, I am already feeling better. I often wonder why am I not so good in distracting my child, else my life would have been 100% sorted. There have been new parenting struggles adding lot of adventure and drama to my life. Some, about which I have no clue about how to tackle, the others where I’m on a hit and trial mode.
Recently, mommy guilt, the emotion I always felt would never irk my determined mind has slowly started making appearances in my life. To sum it up, my life is a mayhem at this point and I (rather foolishly) want to run away from it, leaving the mess to sort on its own. I know, that never happens in the real world. So before negativity pays me a visit again (cause I can hear it next door) I better chart out a plan to fight it out.
If you’re reading this line, you must be proud of yourself for having swum through a sea of negative thoughts that absolutely made no sense. But since you care enough to read what I’ve posted, here’s a hug from me for being there.Because it matters, yes it does make me feel heaps better.
The song on my mind: Ae dil -e nadan ~ Razia Sultan