In a negative head space

I have been wishing this negativity away from a long time. I tried extinguishing it through mediation, washing it in sweat working out like crazy, let is pass slowly by ignoring it, giving it a tough fight by working around it. But it just won’t go away. It just won’t let me be.

Finally, I have chosen to do what I always do, write it all down and pin it up in words on the blog. I’m hoping a dose of public attention might convince it to let me be, finally.

The monotonous routine, non-stop tantrums of my child, building work  pressure and the drama that my life has become lately (or rather I have let it become) are taking a toll on my mental health. Minutes before I started typing, I had the urge to leave everything and just run away to a far away land. I want to do that even now. But it’s the anchor of the many responsibilities that I shoulder that has kept me from doing anything crazy. The Era I Lived In-1

In the past couple of months, the unsettling feeling of being stuck in the muck from years, has been gnawing at my soul. I feel as if I have stopped growing. I am no longer the person I had come to be proud of because I simply can’t stop the negative emotions from getting the better of me.

Just last week, I baked a number of cakes and cupcakes that turned out very well, but they too failed in alleviating my mood. There are a few things at the back of my mind that I want to write about, but unknown fears lurking in my mind have been stopping me from opening that Pandora’s box. Today, while writing this, I can feel a compelling need to finally put pen to paper and say all that I’m holding back.

Where everything else has failed, maybe, emptying my head space would do the trick and relieve my tension.I have learnt from experience how crippling the feelings of emotional burnout can be, how damaging depression is in the long run. The battle is ongoing, I need to keep kicking and moving my arms to stay afloat. I have to fight back. I have no choice but to win this battle somehow. I have to do it for myself. I have to do it for all I love.

I took a leap or rather was pushed out of my comfort zone a month ago. I know, I had the choice to take the offer or leave it. But given that I have taken the first step, I might as well work hard, learn my way and try to build a new life around it. Not mentioning anything because I haven’t done anything worth mentioning, but will write at length when I do make progress.

Like with children, distraction works very well with me. Having jotted down 480 odd words in past fifteen minutes, I am already feeling better. I often wonder why am I not so good in distracting my child, else my life would have been 100% sorted. There have been new parenting struggles adding lot of adventure and drama to my life. Some, about which I have no clue about how to tackle, the others where I’m on a hit and trial mode.

Recently, mommy guilt, the emotion I always felt would never irk my determined mind has slowly started making appearances in my life. To sum it up, my life is a mayhem at this point and I (rather foolishly) want to run away from it, leaving the mess to sort on its own. I know, that never happens in the real world. So before negativity pays me a visit again (cause I can hear it next door) I better chart out a plan to fight it out.

If you’re reading this line, you must be proud of yourself for having swum through a sea of negative thoughts that absolutely made no sense. But since you care enough to read what I’ve posted, here’s a hug from me for being there.Because it matters, yes it does make me feel heaps better.

The song on my mind: Ae dil -e nadan ~ Razia Sultan

29 thoughts on “In a negative head space

  1. That’s a lovely song and a great way to end a post. Now it will ring in my ears as I go about my day – not a bad feeling at all. As for tough times – they’re a pain. Sometimes, specially when the kids are young and there are a hundred other pressures to deal with, life becomes difficult. But it does get better, it will definitely get better. So hang in there. Keep baking your cakes and keep going at your exercise. I love how you’re making an effort to rid yourself of this negativity. Glad you took time to write it all out. I do hope you feel better soon.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I hope that murkiness clears up soon. I guess it’s normal to have such phases where one feels like running away from our world, that we’re no longer who we once were. I feel that often. Yeah, I’ve changed over the years. I’m not the person I was three years back. Part of that change has been for the better, so when I introspect, I look at what has grown. You would have too, in some things. Maybe you can find the parts that have grown and look at it with pride. That may help provide the jerk to give a smirk and regain the hope and happiness to plow forward. 🙂 Wishing you well.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I loved the idea of putting into perspective how far we’ve come to be motivated to keep going. Thank you Vinay for sharing your strategy and the wonderful wishes. I shall surely try it sometime 🙂

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  3. RamyaRao

    This is exactly what I am going through. I am pushed or I probably got myself into the pool. The pool that is filled with negative things and emotionally draining people. I have a way to get out. But I dont know what to do after I get out so I continue swimming in the pool. But even now all I want to do is to just go someplace where nobody knows me. Nobody. I can understand how you feel and about Pari you will learn soon coz you have only the best of interests.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. {Hugs}
      I know what you must have been going through cause your words resonate my state of mind so well. It’s just a matter of putting our minds over matter and letting our will shine through. Let’s together work to make that happen 🙂
      Hoping for the best as far being a parent goes, cause I often find myself being clueless.

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  4. distraction helps and so does meditation…try it 🙂 you have to endure it all alone and giving time for yourself alone will help share the load. you are a strong human being, as I know and I am sure you will defeat all negativity. Hugs!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. What is it that makes us stop/hesitate from pouring our hearts out? Why are we so wary? Wary of people we love, who love us, even strangers? Even if you have an anonymous blog (like I do), you hesitate to say it all out loud… I tell myself it’s because when you look back you don’t want to be reminded of the sad in those faces and writings… because as with everything in life, the sad will go away too… what you do want to be reminded of is the happy… and only that…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You’re quite right. Being anonymous doesn’t stop our words from coming back to us from time to time. But that is not the real reason stopping me from pouring my heart out. There’s more, that I shall share soon in upcoming posts.
      Thank you TTLG for sharing your insightful perspective 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  6. While I don’t think it would make things any better, let me tell you that you are not alone. Parenting a stressful job, and people don’t get this fact easily. I have myself screamed out ‘one day I’ll just go away’ at A when I’m unable to take it all. There is no way around it. You have to deal it with and not let it get the better of you.
    From one mommy to another, this might make sound bad I suppose, but don’t let anything else take complete control of your life. Not even your child. You have to handle the depression alone right? Your inner self needs love and pampering too.
    Hugs to you dear! Don’t shy away from writing it down if it helps. Or ping me, I’m all ears always. ☺

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I totally agree with you that losing ourselves while indulging in our children isn’t the best thing to do, but despite that understanding I tend to go overboard and hurt myself emotionally. Your words came to me as a timely reminder to retrace my steps and stop before I could do myself more harm.
      Thank you dear Varsh for being there. It means a lot, it really does.

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Your last few lines summed it up for me 😀 I read through all of this realizing that you have said a lot but not really said anything 😀 but then I know how typing it out does make us feel better…

    I am sure you will pull out of the negative zone that you are in right now…chin up and keep smiling & fighting…

    PSStttt what do you do with all the cupcakes & cakes that you bake???

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    1. You’re quite right that I held back from saying it all because I am counting to do that in my upcoming (password protected) posts.
      As far cakes and cupcakes they mostly get polished off at home itself and are often shared with Pari’s friends.

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  8. My mind is also very much disturbed and muddled at the moment. I am also having a tough time sorting out some things in my life. Just understand that you are not alone. Hugs to you.

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  9. parijat shukla

    I can read the comments bust am not able to load the post as some “ERR_CONNECTION_RESET” error is showing for some reason. From what i can decipher reading comments its about some parening issues you are facing and trying to find a way out of it. For a person who is source of inspiration to so many including me here, its only a matter of time before you bounce back and tell us all how you did it. God bless you 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Parijat for your motivating words.
      To help solve the issue of being able to read my posts, I’d suggest adding my blog to your WordPress reader, I think that should save you the trouble of searching for a mobile device to read my posts.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. parijat shukla

        You are already in the list of my followed blogs still the blog does not open in PC (while other blogs do irrespective of whether i follow them or not). Anyway the wordpress App in mobile serves the purpose 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  10. Much has already been advised to you. My advice? Get a big bar of chocolate, sit in sun, eat while the chocolate melts on your fingers, and then lick your fingers. The muck in life will continue or stop, God knows, but you will feel better.

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  11. This is just a dark cloud. It will pass and there will be sunshine again. The thing about life is, everything will pass, everything will change. Nothing is constant. Take a leap of faith.
    I love the way you write. Looking forward to a positive note on your blog soon 🙂

    Like

  12. Shilpa Garg

    We all wish that some days were not so tough, but sometimes, these life’s struggles are necessary in order to make us stronger. I can relate to your stress and mental pain. May you feel bright and positive. And have faith!! A big hug to you ME!

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  13. Hugs back to you me . I have been a reader for some time now but probably commenting for the first time . I sincerely hope that you get to take a mini break from your routine. I am a stay at home mom to a 3 year old and have found that it always helps me to feel better . I really commend you for being a single mom and can only imagine how hard it must be. All the best wishes to you and pari

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  15. Sara

    I think I have a vague idea of what you’re going through. No, indulging oneself or engaging in our favorite hobbies won’t help either at times. Heck even greenery which seems the cure for everything doesn’t seem to help when you can get to see the nicest view money can buy. I might be wrong here but the energy from the surroundings also has a lot to do with this. If its possible try to get yourself another environment for work. You have mentioned that you work from home, but it might be good for you if you can change it. No I don’t mean your home surroundings but getting to work yourself in an organization. If not now at least in the future, keep trying for that if its possible. The difference between Interacting online with people and the real world is so vast I cannot explain it in words. Also remember every time that there is someone who is suffering more than you and not so blessed as you. I always tell myself if I’m frustrated, that I’m gonna be upset only if my loved ones face health issues. It helps me a lot and makes me count my innumerable blessings.

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  16. Pingback: A new start I chose to make before the New Year – The Era I lived in

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