For me, it’s my weight.
I’m embarrassed about my weight.
I have been so all my life.
I have been ducking writing about this topic for close to a decade, but it is very, very present in my mind and my life all the time.
This year, when I have shifted focus to GROWTH, I feel it is just about time I address the one problem that has been keeping me from becoming the person I can be.
I have been overweight almost all my life.
From being called names to being bullied in school by peers and also coaches, I have experienced all aspects of fat-shaming in the years I’ve walked this planet.
Today, I am determined to look at this problem in the eye and work my way to its roots.
Today, I am ready to invest in the hard work, discipline and planning that tackling this issue would entail.
Before I embark on the journey of getting my weight in control, I wish to record my thoughts and the facts from my past life that shall help me see through the tough times everytime I get stuck.
Despite being overweight and being highly conscious about it, I have never resorted to crash dieting or dieting in its strictest form. EVER.
Though, all my life, I have been very mindful of my fat and carbohydrate (to some extent) intakes.
I do not have a sweet tooth and I am not a big fan of chocolates either.
And to top it all, I have been regular with exercising almost all my life (except during my pregnancy due to grave complications).
And, I do not binge eat or lead a sedentary life.
An overview of my lifestyle has always left me baffled about the fact that why have I always struggled to lose weight.
And that is the very question I am determined to address from here on.
I can’t tell you how many sleepless nights I have spent on this draft before finally deciding to publish it to be read by anyone and everyone.
Today, I have shared the one secret, I have been holding dear for over a decade of my blogging life.
My weight has been a BIG reason why I shy away from sharing my pictures on the blog or any of the social media channels I’m part of.
And when I do share a picture, you’d notice it is always heavily cropped. It’s because I cringe with embarrassment every time I look at my photos.
I believe, the issue isn’t so much about my weight but how I have come to connect it with my self-worth over the years.
My self-confidence has been shredded to pieces by the years of fat shaming I suffered in form of subtle hints and cues from friends, family, dress designers and even from the shopkeepers of the readymade garment stores.
Today, I have had enough.
Today, I am ready to set myself free from the twisted thoughts that I have been relating to my weight.
Today, I am prepared to address the self-sabotage that has been preventing me from taking care of myself, making me feel worthless and an utter failure in every walk of life.
And the worst of all, I have been running from all these feelings by keeping my self BUSY all awake hours and hustling till my body feels too exhausted to feel like a failure.
It’s a vicious cycle and it has contributed to me losing sight of what really matters.
Today, I am all set to acknowledge all these issues, publicly, for two major reasons:
1. I am hoping that by being open and honest like I have always been on my blog, I am setting myself up for acceptance by the universe. I am secretly wishing that in doing so, I shall open up the channels that’ll help me heal and be a happier, healthier person than I am today.
2. I am hoping that by talking about my problems more openly, I am creating a way for you to analyse your life and encourage you to address your ‘own‘ issues without feeling any shame around it. I’m sure, acceptance of your flawed self is sure to make you feel more human, more alive and less alone.
In the many sleepless nights, I spent pondering over this draft, I have realised that I am not sharing my weight issues so that I can keep myself accountable to lose weight.
I am sharing my deepest fears and struggles because I’m working toward more self-acceptance and more self love no matter what weight I’m at.
I want to accept myself fully.
I want to come to love myself as I am and any version of me I shall become in the days to come, wholeheartedly.
Yes, I want to lose weight 100%.
Yes, I want to work on all the issues that have been dragging me down.
But I want to do it all from a place of self-compassion and self-acceptance.
One of the big lessons I learnt along the way is that;
And to me, this is all that matters.
Maybe it’s time for you, too, to look at that one challenge or one struggle that you just know is holding you back.
To take a closer look and strive to do something about it, like I am.
The song on my mind: Raazi (title track) ~ Raazi