I am in a very disturbed state from a couple of days. It is a very uncomfortable state that’s making me wonder whether all my resolves to be a fighter are going for a toss. I have no idea how and from where this crazy thought crept in my mind, but I have mysteriously started worrying about things that I was very much OK with till now.

It’s like a chain reaction where one thing sparks the next. I have tried to slow down to get a better look at myself, my thoughts, my actions and have been unable to break free from the never-ending stress cycle in the past few days. I sometimes feel I am slowly transforming into a case of chronic depression.

But then, when I try to use my own scale of assessing my state of depression I get weird results. Have a look:

  • Loss of appetite? No
  • Insomnia? partial (I sleep around 5 hours daily, but that has been my routine from many years, almost 6 years)
  • Weight loss? erratic (I lose 3-4 kg in a week and then even before I can let the joy seep in I am back to my original heavy self)
  • Mood swings? occasional
  • Lost interest in activities I once enjoyed? yes (most significantly in mangoes, don’t feel like eating them despite having half a fridge full of them)
  • Intense feeling of loss or guilt? not really though I am often confused
  • Memory loss or lack of concentration? absolutely
  • Feel tired often or most of the time? yes
  • Desire to stay lonely or away from the world? not really
  • Any dangerous thoughts of self harm? none

I came up with this self-test after reading quite a number of articles on clinical depression. Though my answers would happily give me a clean chit but am still worried because of two main signs.

My short-term memory loss is at it’s all time worst, making me forget things within seconds of them being said or read.

I have grown quite irritable in the past one year, though you rarely hear me sounding cranky but in my head I am agitated by the most naive of stimuli.

I feel like I have lost my mind on more occasions than one and then out of the blue a sudden act or talk of sensibility by me, startles me with the knowledge that I haven’t lost it completely yet.

When I re-read all that I had written so far, I decided to jot down the first thing that struck my mind if I were to assess the person with above symptoms. I came up with the conclusion that I am plain over-anxious to the extent that I am feeling the stress burn me down even when I am far away from fire!

The song on my mind: Seene mein jalan ~ Gaman

54 thoughts on “Disturbed

  1. Vaish

    Try to do meditation, ayurvedic massage session..or take some time out and go to any beach resort nearby to spend time with your parents and pari. It sure can be the stress, which has a chain of reactions like insomnia, lack of concentration etc…But you are a darling…you’ve been really bold women so far…hugs to you..


    1. I am getting your point Anu, but planning on a vacation is tough at the moment due to many inevitable reasons. Though I will try to plan an outing soon to change my mood and as a break for all of us 😀


  2. Hello. I guess you have a lot on your mind and its all becoming jumbled up. whatever knowledge i have I would say to try to concentrate on something that you like, do things that make you happy.

    You put it right in the end , you are thinking to much .. go for a holiday .. get a visa and come to uk stay with us for a sometime .. away from all the hassel .. I think thats what you need a good stress free holiday.. away from all the tensions .. and then go back rejuvinated to tackle it all again ..

    Take care.


    1. I wish I could do as you said 🙂
      But I will definitely try to find ways to distract my mind from the piles of worries 😀
      Thank you for the offer though 😀


  3. Um, after your last post, I was wondering if you had considered seeking counselling to get some emotional support. Think it might really help you get through this difficult time.


    1. I am actually seriously considering this option Bride, just got to have a few important issues settled and then if this continues I am going for a few sessions 😀


  4. B

    You are just way too anxious and understandably so. In fact, depression has many many common symptoms with anxiety, to the extent that same medicines are used to treat the symptoms.


  5. You are not alone..I think I felt this way after my baby was born. I am still suffering from memory loss and mood swings. It might mostly be just stress.


    1. You know in all the stress about my marriage falling apart that unfortunately coincided with my daughter’s birth I have had no moment to sit and think of the mess postpartum hormonal changes have been causing in my life.

      In my case the baby blues have been exaggerated further by the incidents of the past year, my critical medical condition and running around the courts for my case.

      I think I’ve had too many ingredients together to result in my current disturbed state 😦


  6. Errr..no ME, I dont think you have lost your stance or anything…you are as brave as ever for the fact that you are willing to examine and re look at yourself..that makes you a very strong person..

    About the answers for clinical depression…I am not under depression, BUT

    I have mood swings (when I am PMSing), I do feel guilty intensely (post coming up soon), I always have memory loss (even when I was a kid!), I feel tired ALL THE TIME and yes I get irritated a lot! and no I am not pregnant..

    so dont get too worried..you are a very very strong person okay? big big hugs


    1. My (soon-to-be-ex) husband has the potential to sleep 16 hours in a row and still wake up as fresh as a lily without any guilt, so you too should be fine 😀 😀


  7. Hugs dear. Glad that you could conclude that you are not depressed. It is normal to feel anxious in your situation till everything settles down, isn’t it? As always I wish that this phase of your life gets over soon so that you can concentrate on better things in life for your and Pari’s future … till then be strong and positive. Keep up the faith.


  8. Hugs.

    I think I can understand the discomfort. For me, the moment I reach this state – of sitting with a checklist for depression – I somehow shake off the state of mind.. slowly, sometimes with drastic decisions or getaways or behavior changes. But the checklist always gets me out of it. When I cant concentrate or suffer such flashes of memory losses, I get better when I simply accept the state and not force myself to concentrate, read heavy books or whatever. That way, when the clarity/memory/concentration returns in bits and pieces, it is happily energizing.

    A song to bring about a smile : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7bDXaTNFmoE


  9. those two problems are mine too…

    I at times am so so easily irritable and grumpy these days… and memory… sigh you wont believe how bad it is….

    are you by any chance in your mid-30’s 😛

    I’d like to attribute it to my age ! 😛 😀


    1. ah! I just missed on blaming it all on my age for there are still good many years for me to get to the age you mentioned 😛
      Thank you for telling me that I am not alone in my current situation 😀


  10. Nisha

    Dont worry sweetheart.. You’re low for obvious reasons. Someone going through depression has a constant urge to kill themselves.. They cry uncontrollably several times a day and have the strangest thoughts that they’ve never had. I’ve closely seen someone go through it and so I know.
    Just be positive.. Life is beautiful and I’m sure there are wonderful things in store for you 🙂


  11. Hugs, ME. I know you will be fine 🙂
    The thing that has helped me get through one of the most difficult times in life was deep breathing. Maybe it sounds lame, but every morning I used to go outside in fresh air, just conciously clear my mind of all thoughts and breathe deeply for 15-20 minutes. It helped me keep my mind relaxed, more than anything else. Maybe you can give it a try?


    1. I used to do this a lot earlier. I actually agree with you on the power of deep breathing exercise 😀
      Thank you for reminding me about it, I’ll surely begin this right away 😀


  12. Hugs ME… more hugs…

    I was worried at the beginning of this post.. but in the end, you have summed up well.. (very much the thought I had in my mind) -” I am plain over-anxious to the extent that I am feeling the stress burn me down even when I am far away from fire!”

    Whatever thoughts have crept your mind, I wish you get rid of them soon and have peace!! You need more strength now than any other time – both physically and mentally. Take good care of yourself, ME…


  13. Hugs darling! Tight Tight Hugs!!!
    You are a strong woman!!! I am sure you will handle this situation and will come out of this!!
    “but am still worried because of two main signs” – You identified your problems which means you have already started working on it!!
    Cheer up darling. Good times are not far away.Stay strong and give your problems a bigger problem!!They will run away!!

    Loads of love sweety!!


    1. I like this approach SS…I’ll tell my problems to shoo off else I’ll call SS 😆 😆 😉
      Loads of love and hugs SS…thank you for bringing a smile to my face 😀


  14. orczy

    I cannot tell this as am much younger than you and have seen too less of the world..But am able to understand your current situation..My mom is also through this now as after 17 yrs she is changing to a much bigger city..She is coping up with her daughter( who according to her is the strongest in the family– that is me 🙂 ) is moving further away from her to a new city..Her son is in the rebellious teens and she feels too old..But as cyber nag tells..http://cybernag.in/2012/05/sunshine-people/ this too will pass away and you will emerge stronger after the ordeal..


    1. Thank you for the message of hope orczy, it means a lot to realize that I have the power to swim through the rough waters 😀
      Hugs dear and here’s wishing lots of happiness, strength and best wishes for your mum and yourself


  15. If you could analyze yourself for depression, I guess you are not in one. But that said, you could go for a counselling session and get verification. Everyone goes through some bit of mild depression in their lives and get over it too without any help. You are going through an extremely tough time, so I guess it is natural for you to be feeling low. Have you tried changing your routine? May be getting out of home and taking up some course/ job of your interest. A change always help. Take care ME.


  16. Hugs, ME! You’re doing fine, just dont over-stress yourself! One glance at your Pari and I am sure you’ll start feeling positive and charged up all over again :). And thats a beautiful song you’ve shared!


  17. I read somewhere that stress can have the same effects on short-term memory and physical tiredness as depression does. Stress can be cured by de-stressing yourself, but clinical depression requires treatment. Judging by your post, I feel you are just stressed out, though I am no doctor to give an opinion.

    it is no wonder that you are stressed out, considering all that you have been through. Maybe it is time to de-stress yourself with a little bit of time just to yourself – if possible? As many have suggested, why don’t you try an ayurvedic massage or a vacation by yourself or taking up some small job that will divert your attention or yoga? Yoga is the best, I tell you!


  18. Do take care ME…it’s most likely stress and anxiety but there is always the possibility for people to get depressed if they are too stressed or anxious for long. If you can, try to exercise or get active in some way as it’s the best thing for depression. I know it’s helped me heaps in the past from sinking into clinical depression…


  19. ME,

    I know why you are feelign stressed. you are so missing my foodie chronicles. I am sorry baba. I will definitely post next week 🙂
    And then, I will inspire you to cook and you will be stress-free, right? 🙂

    ME, you are a woman of such strength. You have the courage to introspect and put your thoughts into words. You are definitely not confused. You have been through a lot (definitely) and have managed to stay strong and stay afloat. In the process of being strong, you haven’t had any time to feel weak in the true sense and rejuvenate yourself.
    Look at me rant off like some guru.

    Take a break ME ! A vacation or a cookery class or some mindless shopping. Oh and Pari is the best thing to happen at this time, no?

    Btw, I am trying the Paneer capsicum this week 🙂


    1. Your last line cured me right away 😀 😀 😀
      You are way sweeter than your name kismi 🙂
      Thank you for those wonderful words…love having you around 😀


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