I am in a very disturbed state from a couple of days. It is a very uncomfortable state that’s making me wonder whether all my resolves to be a fighter are going for a toss. I have no idea how and from where this crazy thought crept in my mind, but I have mysteriously started worrying about things that I was very much OK with till now.
It’s like a chain reaction where one thing sparks the next. I have tried to slow down to get a better look at myself, my thoughts, my actions and have been unable to break free from the never-ending stress cycle in the past few days. I sometimes feel I am slowly transforming into a case of chronic depression.
But then, when I try to use my own scale of assessing my state of depression I get weird results. Have a look:
- Loss of appetite? No
- Insomnia? partial (I sleep around 5 hours daily, but that has been my routine from many years, almost 6 years)
- Weight loss? erratic (I lose 3-4 kg in a week and then even before I can let the joy seep in I am back to my original heavy self)
- Mood swings? occasional
- Lost interest in activities I once enjoyed? yes (most significantly in mangoes, don’t feel like eating them despite having half a fridge full of them)
- Intense feeling of loss or guilt? not really though I am often confused
- Memory loss or lack of concentration? absolutely
- Feel tired often or most of the time? yes
- Desire to stay lonely or away from the world? not really
- Any dangerous thoughts of self harm? none
I came up with this self-test after reading quite a number of articles on clinical depression. Though my answers would happily give me a clean chit but am still worried because of two main signs.
My short-term memory loss is at it’s all time worst, making me forget things within seconds of them being said or read.
I have grown quite irritable in the past one year, though you rarely hear me sounding cranky but in my head I am agitated by the most naive of stimuli.
I feel like I have lost my mind on more occasions than one and then out of the blue a sudden act or talk of sensibility by me, startles me with the knowledge that I haven’t lost it completely yet.
When I re-read all that I had written so far, I decided to jot down the first thing that struck my mind if I were to assess the person with above symptoms. I came up with the conclusion that I am plain over-anxious to the extent that I am feeling the stress burn me down even when I am far away from fire!
The song on my mind: Seene mein jalan ~ Gaman