Meandering through life

It is quite strange of me to itch to write a post all evening, yet not being able to finalize a topic till its almost 11:00 p.m. I think after failing for months or maybe years at end, this month I want to try to post more often. Though I don’t want to commit to it officially, but yes, in the back of my mind, I want to return to blogging regularly. I want to be back to my sane self which exists around my blog. Lets keep this post random, covering as many or as few points I can recall to jot down at this hour.

1. After mulling over for years at length, I have finally found the reason why drinking alcohol in any form has never interested me. It is entirely a personal choice and I have no issues with people who enjoy drinking alcohol (responsibly). But somehow, I could never get myself to enjoy alcohol. Not even the finest of wines or champagne. Beer has been a strict no-no because I can’t stand its odor, let alone the bitter taste.

Coming back to the real reason why I despise alcohol or any form of intoxication for that matter. I dislike losing myself, my self-control at any cost. Even when at some point in my struggle against depression, I was tempted to drown my pain in alcohol, I chose to face it, fight it in full consciousness. Today, I can confidently say that I am at peace with my choice.

2. Apathy is a very strong emotion (if I may call it) or feeling. While it is a sign of closure, it penalizes us by stealing any emotions towards a particular person(s). In my struggle to bring my derailed life back on track, I feel I have lost interest in life itself. Very few things please me and they too fail to register a lasting reason to rejoice in my overall dull life.

I know it sounds funny to hear that life of a parent of a 3 year old can ever be dull, but in my case it actually is on many occasions.

3. Romance has always been a genre very close to my heart. Right from school days I was a sucker of romantic books and movies. But the unfortunate turn of events in my life have left a huge void in me. All my love for romance seems to have wilted away. Today I fail to enjoy a romantic book or a movie. No, I don’t feel self-pity or the pain one feels after a break-up. I feel nothing. This strange numbness steals from me the rush one is expected to experience while reading or watching an enchanting love-story.

Even the evergreen romantic classics that have been my favorite all my life, fail to interest me any longer. I am not sure if this is a phase of my life or the after-effects of love ebbing away. But one thing is for sure, it sure has made my life dull, because books, music and movies no longer feel the way they ought to be. I sincerely hope this numbness is a mere phase that shall pass over time.

4. The one thing I strongly miss in my life (after divorce) is companionship. In the course of time while my marriage fell apart, I not only lost a spouse but also all my friends. Some on account of geographical distance but most because they couldn’t help judging me. It is unfortunate but a blessing in disguise. I believe, hardships in life are the true measure of friendship.

While each of these points reminded me how much more I have to write about each one of these, I am glad to have finally made a start (an overly overdue one) today. But the most important realization is, how empty I have become on the inside with a major chunk of emotions in my once spirited self, dying a pre-mature death.

The song on my mind : Ye kya jagah hai doston ~ Umrao Jaan

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