The fear of the unknown is one that looms our minds, all our lives, shifting gears and changing magnitude. But, there is one fear that I have unknowingly allowed to blow out of proportion in my life. The fear of failure.
A few days back, while taking stock of my life in the past decade, I came across a startling revelation. While there is no denying that fear of losing someone dear ranked on top in the past few years, I could see the shadows of fear of failure, looming large in my life for almost all years of my existence.
This epiphany brought to me the guiding light in which I could see many events of my life clearer than ever before. Having hit the rock bottom, I was left with two choices. First, to bounce back and second to stay there for a while. Analyze my surroundings. See the colors of life that exist there, before deciding what to do next.
I have to admit, I chose the second option and have taken way longer than I should have mulling, dwelling and analyzing my past and my future letting procrastination and self-pity put a veil on my present. It is surely easier said than realized and still tougher to do something about it.
As I have mentioned in my many earlier posts, life looks dull, bumpy, sad and colorless from where I stand today. But the tiny spark of hope that has dared to stay alive in me, has kept me trying hard to break free. I have been working on reclaiming my self-worth and strengthening my resolve to make the most of this life, failing many times.
It is overwhelming to note, how the fear of failures (after suffering a major setback in life) have made me hide in my shell like a mollusc or perhaps a tortoise. While the pseudo sense of security did fill my heart with warmth initially, unfortunately, it was short-lived. It has taken me years to claw down the shell I had built around myself and I am glad I worked at it. The rays of sunshine, fresh air and recognition that have touched my cold, scared being, are doing immense good to my confidence.
I am slowly breaking free from the clouds of anonymity, learning to trust people, my instincts and my decision making skills once again. In this journey, of all the people, my three year old has helped me the most. Maybe because I was re-born the day she was born and we are both learning to take baby-steps, learning to love riding over the giant wheel of life, beating the fears of a fall, preparing to live the rush the highs will bring along.
It is amazing to see the life from a child’s perspective. To be excited about the unknown and squeal with joy even when you fall in a puddle. Parenting is rightly called the art of re-learning life lessons and unlearning our beliefs. Even though the progress is slow, but its existence is evident. While I am at peace with however far I have reached, I can feel the resolve to go further, strengthen with each step I take.
Taglines like “Darr ke agey jeet hai” remain smart slogans till they begin to hold a larger meaning in our lives. Every time I feel I am faltering, I remind myself of this slogan to keep going. While learning to walk as a baby is a major accomplishment, still bigger is the burning desire to rise after a fall. To hold on to the remains of self-esteem and learn to walk all over again at a later stage in life.
” Never let the fear of failure be an excuse for not trying. Society tells us that to fail is the most terrible thing in the world, but I know, it isn’t. Failure is the part of what makes us human.” ~ Amber Deckers
Song on my mind – Der lagi lekin ~ Zindagi na milegi dobara