Changed Perspective

In the past five years, if I had to point at one grievance that has been nagging my mind, heart and soul (among the plethora of others) it would be death of my career.

Despite the many emotional battles I was caught up in, I could never, even for a moment let go of the hurt to watch the career I had built with so much toil plummet from the sky to the sea bed. I have to confess, that hardly a couple of months ago, it would have hurt me to even type the words that I no longer had a career or any achievements to talk about.

What hurt me more was coming across at least 5 people who were exactly as old as I am (not counting the super-successful classmates) and have made their way to be pinnacles in their fields, having had a similar journey as me. The only exception being, my journey has ended. Quite sometime ago.

It has been the weight of the corpse of my now-dead-career that had been pulling me down in every ascent in life. I was constantly being weighed down by the low self-esteem this had been gifting me. In my heart, I knew I needed to move on, find a new road and embark on a new journey. But, somehow making it come true was not happening.

Every single time I’d receive payment of any freelance assignment, I couldn’t help wonder how I could have earned this amount in matter of an hour’s time had my day job persisted. It might come across as shallow thinking today, but it was an issue with roots far deeper than just monetary concerns.

One morning while gazing the rising sun, post a workout, a different thought paid me a visit. It was a realization that had never dawned on me before. In matter of ten minutes I felt an enormous load move off my chest. It was a feeling you get when you finally put the weight down that had been making your muscles scream in pain.

In my mind, I traveled to the time when I had a prolific career overseas. My salary was enviable, schedule busy and bank account sang the song,

 “Ask me for anything
I can give you everything”

but, I was not happy. That life had no contentment. That life wasn’t something that I enjoyed despite vacations to exotic locations. I can clearly remember feeling a huge void in my heart back then (because I have forever been in a habit of analyzing my life, I can always go back in time to compare my thoughts. It’s something I have always done).

Today, I was on the other side of the fence. I had everything I lacked back then just not the career or the bank balance. While the amount reflected in my bank account has never succeeded in making me feel happy or sad (maybe I’m wired wrong) so it boiled down to a career no longer being there.

On digging deeper, I asked myself the tough questions.

Was I really enjoying what I did?

What is it that I don’t like about what I do today?

If I had the opportunity to go back to the life I had earlier what would I choose?

Answering these was tough. It hurt me to admit to myself that in the years gone by, I had adjusted to the idea of not having a day job and fallen in love with the flexibility I now enjoy. The freedom to be with my child to the maximum (something that I had missed as a child when my mom worked full-time) and the ease to fit in daily errands while chasing deadlines pretty easily.

In the cracks of my heart, lay the real reason of my pain. One that I knew all along but couldn’t muster enough courage to utter, even to myself. It hurt me when my child’s only parent is seen to be ‘good for nothing’ the term used for people who work from home. I dislike the way my family despises my earnings and try to belittle me by comparing it with the packages of my siblings & cousins ( comparing peanuts with 7 digit packages).

But, today, I feel inspired enough to accept my current life as it is. I am not saying I am content with what I am because I aspire to rise from here, put in as much work and time it calls for to realize my new dreams. Nevertheless, the immense peace I feel in my heart today is incentive enough to turn a deaf ear to what my old-self utters or what the world has to say.

I had been searching for answers for a long time and finally, they reached me riding the crisp, cold, morning air. I am glad I was ready to accept this realization with an open heart because today, I have come to love what I do, as I do and have a free mind to plan my life ahead without looking back.

The song on my mind: Ruk Jana Nahin Tu Kahin Haar Ke ~ Imtihaan

16 thoughts on “Changed Perspective

  1. Ha.. what do they know.. is what I will say about those who are trying to belittle yiu. .

    Anyway why talk of those who are so mean..

    You are happy ..nothing else matters..my best wishes always..

    One of my favourite songs too..In the good old days songs had a meaning.

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    1. That’s true Bikram. Learning to distance ourselves from people who don’t care about us is something that cam to me very late in life. But, I am glad I learnt this important lesson finally 🙂
      I am a huge fan of the songs of the 70s to 90s 😀

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  2. Sometimes it is painful when we compare ourselves to our peers, but many times we do not know what they are really feeling because we see only the success we want to see. Who knows they may be miserable in their lives with all the success.

    Every time I go into comparison mode I remind myself to focus on my life and improve it rather than on others. It is tough at times though.

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    1. Welcome to my space Boiling 🙂
      Totally agree with you. It’s just when it comes down to worrying about my child’s future, being a single parent I many times fail to keep these irrational worries off my radar.

      But, I am getting better with battling the odds and yes, I’ll keep keep your advise in mind to stay focused on myself and how far I’ve come on this new found road 😀

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  3. Nothing ever ends until life ends. And when God closes a door, it’s because he will another another one for you.

    I know these sound like preachings right now. But I know someone who went through something similar. She lost everything, but today her children are grown up and they take care of her. She also roams the world, has a lot of friends, and is completely care-free.

    A.R. Rahman had said that dreams have a habit of coming true long after we have forgotten them… Good luck.

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    1. Thank you Vishal for sharing that very inspiring quote. I’ll keep it close to be my wake up call every time life tries to drag me down.
      Thank you for the warm wishes 🙂

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  4. Sarah

    I’ve lost my career too, so I know exactly how you feel. When we’ve struggled so much all these years and when it comes to this point we often end up thinking if all these year’s efforts have come to this. And as a single parent it becomes more painful. Have you thought why? I realised its because we’re so used to the lifestyle we have and often harboured dreams of something higher and something better. Don’t we all look just forward?! I do always and it has made me a lot more fearful and miserable. Comparing ourselves to our peers is something we have to deal with all our life I guess because if someone else isn’t doing that we end up doing it for ourselves. Our needs are very very few but our fantasies/wishes that we’ve built all these years aren’t met and it makes us feel less than worthy.
    We also don’t realise how much we take our health for granted. Believe me if not now, few years down the lane you’ll appreciate and be grateful for the current life you’re living a lot “more” than you are thankful right now.

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    1. Welcome to my space Sarah 🙂
      Thank you for sharing your personal experience and helping me see things in a better light. I agree with your idea of how we all aim to look forward in our lives, how we all harbor the desire to prosper and when it suffers a blow, it takes all we have to regain our balance.

      Wishing you the very best in life.
      {{Hugs}}

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