It is rather easy to find an excuse for everything that doesn’t go as per our plan. But, attempting to see the possible causes, working around them to obtain desirable changes is often the best way to go about it. In my journey of settling the emotional upheaval between Pari and myself, when I dug deep to begin analyzing the situation, I ended up with two probable causes.
Contemplating over the same for a while, I now have convincing evidence that I have been succumbing to performance pressure. The pressure to prove (to my friends, family and perhaps my own self too) that I am capable of shouldering the massive responsibility of being a single parent satisfactorily. I am well aware that this is a futile exercise because in the long run or as reality has it, I need not prove myself to anyone, but still I failed to put this understanding into practice. Realization of this pitfall dawned quite late, but am glad it did.
Every time Pari threw up a major tantrum in presence of my extended family (and often just my parents) directly or indirectly I was pressed to discipline her on the pretext, it was my duty to teach her the ways of life from early on. I might come across as rather stupid but in my heart, I know, I could feel the pressure take over me like a charm, transforming me into someone I never imagined myself to be.
When I had decided to become a parent, I had decided to not only give birth to a new life but to shoulder every responsibility associated with it to gift that child a happy, healthy, beautiful life ahead. My determination to make it happen never deterred even when circumstances pushed me to accept the role of being a single parent.
But, what has been going on lately is a detour from my original plan of action. I could feel a chip off my heart snap with every fight I had with my child because the words exchanged and emotions expressed were nowhere close to normal. I was overwhelmed and I could sense it well that my child was feeling the burn. The pain echoed loud and an unknown guilt haunted my mind long after we kissed, hugged, forgave and made up. This was why I chose to risk writing all about it and analyzing it publicly on my blog so that I have a record of it all for posterity.
I call it risking because I chose to be judged for my parenting skills on a public platform. Though I could very conveniently say, “It’s my blog, my life and I am free to post as and when I please“, but insensitive comments and emails sometimes pierce through my emotional bulletproof jacket. But that was actually part of my initial plan because I needed an insight into my thinking, my understanding and some or as-much-as-possible help from the readers to help me swim through this rough patch.
I believe, that some of you (if not at all) have at some point of reading this series have wondered as to why am I being paranoid about this whole issue because apparently, it is something every parent faces at some point or the other. To this, my answer is, I am somehow not able to ignore the alarm bells ringing loud and clear in my head in the past few weeks.
My intuition had been overworking like a string strum too tight and it was not letting me work, sleep or even work out at peace. My mind was stuck on finding a way out of this whole mess. I know it sounds rather a pathological mindset but that’s how my system is designed. I just can’t put things away for a later date. I need closures to be able to exist at peace else I’ll over-think myself to sickness.
I seek depth in my life and have no aspirations of scaling heights whatsoever.
This issue has not only been plaguing my mind and seeking attention but has also been casting a toll on my work. I have cut down work tremendously in the past 5 weeks only to analyze, experiment and make important changes in my life to round off the rough edges in my relationship with Pari.
I have a long road of self-improvement ahead of me before I can achieve concrete results in this matter. But for now (with immediate action) I have changed the way Pari and I spend time together, I’ve been focussing on controlling my habit of micro-managing her and many more similar changes (details coming in next post).
However, the most significant change of all has been my turning a deaf ear to the world telling me how to parent my child and switching to my gut and common sense completely. It is not going to be easy anyway, but where I am stuck today isn’t a happy place either. So every effort that takes me closer to my child and keeps us bonding better is worth the effort.
Though this series is going to go on for long because we are dealing with a real life situation here, but with each passing day, my faith in the fact that I can cross this bridge and bring about a positive change is growing stronger than ever before.
Please read the next part here.
The song on my mind: Pyar Manga Hai Tumhi Se, Na Inkaar Karo