Provoked

Please read the previous parts of this series here: Part 1 and Part 2.

It is rather easy to find an excuse for everything that doesn’t go as per our plan. But, attempting to see the possible causes, working around them to obtain desirable changes is often the best way to go about it. In my journey of settling the emotional upheaval between Pari and myself, when I dug deep to begin analyzing the situation, I ended up with two probable causes.

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Contemplating over the same for a while, I now have convincing evidence that I have been succumbing to performance pressure. The pressure to prove (to my friends, family and perhaps my own self too) that I am capable of shouldering the massive responsibility of being a single parent satisfactorily. I am well aware that this is a futile exercise because in the long run or as reality has it, I need not prove myself to anyone, but still I failed to put this understanding into practice. Realization of this pitfall dawned quite late, but am glad it did.

Every time Pari threw up a major tantrum in presence of my extended family (and often just my parents) directly or indirectly I was pressed to discipline her on the pretext, it was my duty to teach her the ways of life from early on. I might come across as rather stupid but in my heart, I know, I could feel the pressure take over me like a charm, transforming me into someone I never imagined myself to be.

When I had decided to become a parent, I had decided to not only give birth to a new life but to shoulder every responsibility associated with it to gift that child a happy, healthy, beautiful life ahead. My determination to make it happen never deterred even when circumstances pushed me to accept the role of being a single parent.

But, what has been going on lately is a detour from my original plan of action. I could feel a chip off my heart snap with every fight I had with my child because the words exchanged and emotions expressed were nowhere close to normal. I was overwhelmed and I could sense it well that my child was feeling the burn. The pain echoed loud and an unknown guilt haunted my mind long after we kissed, hugged, forgave and made up. This was why I chose to risk writing all about it and analyzing it publicly on my blog so that I have a record of it all for posterity.

I call it risking because I chose to be judged for my parenting skills on a public platform. Though I could very conveniently say, “It’s my blog, my life and I am free to post as and when I please“, but insensitive comments and emails sometimes pierce through my emotional bulletproof jacket. But that was actually part of my initial plan because I needed an insight into my thinking, my understanding and some or as-much-as-possible help from the readers to help me swim through this rough patch.

I believe, that some of you (if not at all) have at some point of reading this series have wondered as to why am I being paranoid about this whole issue because apparently, it is something every parent faces at some point or the other. To this, my answer is, I am somehow not able to ignore the alarm bells ringing loud and clear in my head in the past few weeks.

My intuition had been overworking like a string strum too tight and it was not letting me work, sleep or even work out at peace. My mind was stuck on finding a way out of this whole mess. I know it sounds rather a pathological mindset but that’s how my system is designed. I just can’t put things away for a later date. I need closures to be able to exist at peace else I’ll over-think myself to sickness.

I seek depth in my life and have no aspirations of scaling heights whatsoever.

This issue has not only been plaguing my mind and seeking attention but has also been casting a toll on my work. I have cut down work tremendously in the past 5 weeks only to analyze, experiment and make important changes in my life to round off the rough edges in my relationship with Pari.

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I have a long road of self-improvement ahead of me before I can achieve concrete results in this matter. But for now (with immediate action) I have changed the way Pari and I spend time together, I’ve been focussing on controlling my habit of micro-managing her and many more similar changes (details coming in next post).

However, the most significant change of all has been my turning a deaf ear to the world telling me how to parent my child and switching to my gut and common sense completely. It is not going to be easy anyway, but where I am stuck today isn’t a happy place either. So every effort that takes me closer to my child and keeps us bonding better is worth the effort.

Though this series is going to go on for long because we are dealing with a real life situation here, but with each passing day, my faith in the fact that I can cross this bridge and bring about a positive change is growing stronger than ever before.

Please read the next part here.

The song on my mind: Pyar Manga Hai Tumhi Se, Na Inkaar Karo

5 thoughts on “Provoked

  1. i guess every parent-child goes through this tussle.. we feel the heat more because we are grown ups and are designed to analyse certain things more deeply and to find reasoning with everything. kids on the other hand, just vent out, they really don’t care about the impact it creates and it’s consequences.. they just jump!

    the other day only, i screamed on my 11 months old LO for the reason he was being cranky and did not want to just go to sleep. I being tired after the whole day at office and work at home, my patience gave up and i scolded him.. his reaction was priceless! i don’t know if he could understand or what.. he just stopped being cranky.. smiled his toothless grin and made a funny sound… my temper vanished!!

    all i am trying to say is that as we grow up, we actually learn how to hurt others and we become masters in it… try and stop that instinct in Pari.. i know it’s difficult but that’s what parents are made for.. doing difficult tasks… HUGS to you both! 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Welcome to my blog Supriya 🙂
      Thank you very much for that enlightening comment that shall stay with me for a long time. What you mentioned is a very important aspect of parenting that we all understand but seldom remember to put to practice.
      I shall surely keep this in mind.
      {Hugs}

      Like

  2. My understanding of the situation is that, you are a perfectionist and your parents are too. But there seems to be a difference of opinion between the two of you as far as disciplining Pari is concerned, which is taking a toll on Pari as well. In this situation, I will suggest you to take things a bit lightly, else it will take a toll on the physical and emotional well being of both of you and also will create bad memories. But, I am cent percent with you on your decision to go by your gut instinct and common sense and not what others say. There should be no two thoughts about it. And you definitely need to do some relaxing by yoga, meditation, pranayama whichever you like and is possible, everyday. Though many would have suggested this, please do try for just 10 days and you will find the difference. You will get a better perspective. Good Luck! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. The possibility of creating bad childhood memories for Pari has been lurking over my mind from a long time and perhaps this is why I have been working very hard to understand what all triggers my behavior.
      I agree with your idea of me being a perfectionist (which I have been working hard to stop being). What I loved about your comment is you put to words all that has been bothering me, all that has been circling my mind.
      Thank you for showing me what I am up to and what needs to change right away. I shall surely keep your words in mind.
      {Hugs}

      Like

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