Love Aaj Kal

I am typing this on the WordPress app, in an attempt to distract my mind from the crisis am stuck in. I had the choice of writing about where I have been stuck in the past few days that I have not blogged anything or got any writing work done. Then I decided otherwise. I chose to write about something, I had the feels for but haven’t been quite sure if I want to write about. Read on to know what exactly I’m talking about.

For the sake of sanity and the desire to distract myself from the continuous panic mode I’m in, let’s talk about my relationship with love. The romantic kind of love.

February is the month of love, or so it is believed. Though I beg to differ. I have always believed that every day is the day to love, to be swept off our feet by someone who loves us or by life’s small joys.

Having suffered a heartbreak not very long ago, I felt that February shall become the most hated disliked time of the year for me. Not because I despise the heart-shaped balloons ( I actually quite like them) or the frivolous use of the one emotion that keeps the world going. Not even because I doubted my ability to love all over again.

Instead, cause February was the month when I had met my ex, it was the month when we fell in love, it was the time when we got married and as irony would have it, it is also the month when my ex, chose to remarry.

As (over) confident I might or might not sound, but not even once have I suspected my ability to forget my past and move on in life. Instead, what I had been dreading all along was the painful death of the romantic in me. Over the past six years, I’ve noted that words brimming with love, fail to touch me. Compliments no longer color my cheeks. I feel numb when I re-read the books that once made my heart melt. Songs that once made my heart flutter, fail to create a ripple in my forever tranquil mind.

Though my faith in the institution of marriage and the beauty of love stands unshaken, I seem to have lost the ability to be touched by love. However, am sure, love hasn’t stopped trying to excite me or to lure me into falling head over heels, but somehow I have turned a blind eye to its charisma, a deaf ear to its symphony and I seem to have trained my nerves to not make my heart beat faster except when I’m anxious.

This has been the case for past many years.

This year, during the valentine’s week, I decided to test myself if the above beliefs still hold good.

Though there weren’t any startling revelations but a few encouraging findings nevertheless. I noted that after a long break I have again started smiling more often. The impromptu smiles, the smile that dances on my lips every time I meet people. Not overly joyous but the one that sings my love for life. The one that had abandoned me years ago. The one that has for the most part of my life been my signature style. The smile that won me many friends. The one that has gifted me success in unexpected places. Though it’s not quite what it used to be, but is appreciably close and makes me more alive and mindful of my existence.

What about love?

Did I find any, perhaps in traces in my corner of the world, running in my veins or exciting my brain?

Unfortunately no.

It would be wrong if I said that I don’t miss being in love, but at the same time, I’m no longer looking for it. I do not seek it anymore like I was till not very long ago. Maybe, I am now at peace with my existence. Perhaps I have to come to like who I am with all my flaws, to love myself enough to not crave for attention from the universe beyond me.

love-aaj-kal

Possibly, my new-found self-love has enriched my life enough to make me see love in a better light where I no longer feel a void threatening to swallow me, where I don’t validation from a man to make me feel complete or loved.

Whatever the case might be, this year, I was glad to watch some of the most romantic movies of all times, laughing and enjoying just like I used to when I was younger. Of course, there was a slight difference, the minute the movie ended, I stopped thinking about it.

However, am sure, it won’t be the case with romantic books. But the good news is, I am so much into reading non-fiction these days that fiction reads, romantic or not, don’t lure me anymore. That saved me the agony of testing the impact a romantic book would have on my new-found zen state. Not that I’m scared of testing waters, but why would I try to put my peace of mind on the line for anything? Right?

I can safely confess that am not in love and neither am I looking for it (anymore). I’m happy to be at the place I am in. Peace and contentment prevail in abundance here and I can feel my heart brimming with compassion that has been my guiding light lately.

So, my February might have been a rather trite, ordinary month, but finally am at peace that the tempest that threatened to knock my socks off every February, has finally calmed down. As far, love, I think finding it in my own way, over time, is always a better approach than going out in the world hunting for it like a hungry tiger in search for a musk deer.

As far, love, I think finding it in my own way, over time, is always a better approach than going out in the world hunting for it like a hungry tiger in search for a musk deer.

The song on my mind: Mujhe pyar tumse nahin hai ~ Gharonda 

17 thoughts on “Love Aaj Kal

  1. Sorry to read your story, but something good would come out it for sure. If you are not finding love, maybe love will find you 😊

    It is good to love ourselves first, that way you don’t feel the void. If you consider yourself worthwhile (which you should since you’ve accomplished a lot) there is no need to become a hunter.

    Happy to read your thoughts. They speak a lot of the realities of life!

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    1. The day I learnt to love myself, I was amazed by the sense of contentment I felt. The joy of coming from a place of abundance has helped me feel free and I no longer crave for love from the universe. It is quite a happy place to be. Thank you, Alok for your encouraging words 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Such an honest, heartfelt post. I can completely relate to your state of mind (and heart), being in similar life situation of having an ex who has remarried. The similar questions I ask myself on love and intimacy. Glad to know you are at peace with yourself. Coincidentally I wrote a post on self-love just before Valentines on my blog. Do read, would like to know what you think of it: http://wp.me/p7S3Op-72.
    Keep the love glowing in your heart and smile shining on your face! 🙂

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    1. I am glad we both discovered self-love at a time in life when we needed to feel loved. Loved your take on the topic 🙂
      Sending loads of cheer, love and peace your way ❤

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  3. Writing is therapeutic…we feel much better and emerge saner after penning down our emotions. I have talked about all the emotions in one of my books. Self-love acquaints us with our own healer that lies within, we just have to acknowledge its power! I am glad you have ‘unearthed it’ 🙂
    Love that old Hindi song!

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    1. I agree, writing is therapeutic and so is self-love. I feel blessed to have finally come to love myself, to be grateful for the abundance of positivity in my life and be able to look at love with love.
      Thank you, dear Balroop, for your insightful words. It’s always a pleasure hearing from you ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I have been through that phase of love and break up where romance doesn’t make sense at all and you don’t feel affected by the four letter words. Still, I’d day you should keep faith and shouldn’t say No to dating. Every relationship teaches us something new.

    Keep writing.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Welcome to my online abode Vishal 🙂
      I agree, it is only right to be open to love even when we aren’t looking for it consciously. There is always room for possibilities and miracles.
      Thank you for that positive note that made me see a different angle of the love equation 🙂

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