Forgiven?

We have all suffered pain, been hurt by another person at one point or the other in our lives. We were treated badly, hearts were broken, feelings were trampled upon. Though all this sounds like a common occurrence in our lives, sometimes that pain lingers for too long. We relive the betrayal, the hurt over and over, countless times. Letting those thoughts, those memories go becomes impossible and their grip on our mind tightens.

I strongly believe, holding a grudge is a waste of perfect happiness. It slyly robs us of the precious moments and little joys life blesses us with every now and then. We are so pre-occupied struggling with our painful memories, thoughts of seeing our enemy realize their mistakes that we become a prisoner in our own mind.

At this point of time only one thing can liberate us. Forgiveness.

The decision to move ahead in life, the willingness to give yourself another chance, the desire to be happy again is in fact the seed from which germinates the power to forgive. It is tough to reach that point after the pain we’ve suffered. But nonetheless an important one without which healing can never be complete.

In my journey of healing from the betrayal I suffered in my marriage a major motive is the welfare of my daughter. I might have got reckless if it were all about me; alone. But, since I have the massive responsibility of being a single parent to my daughter, I have no other choice but to get working on a plan that gives positive results.

I jumped on this journey long back. Around the time I started this blog, I decided that I am going to work on this religiously. The road has been uphill and the task very difficult to accomplish, but has never been impossible. Every now and then I am tempted pushed beyond my tolerance by my never-failing-to-amuse-me-with-his-tricks husband.

I have been trying my best to keep my mind clear despite the tales his family has been narrating to accomplish the task of character assassination (about me), I have been having a very tough time maintaining my peace of mind. The stress seems to be burning me down inside out. At all these moments, I re-consider my resolve to forgive my (soon-to-be-ex) husband. I seriously do.

I know I sound mean, revengeful and evil. I actually do feel so whenever the big picture of all the losses I have suffered in the past one year stand tall before me. I could have forgiven him if he had only betrayed my trust, I would have let him go clean had he only stolen my money, I would have put it behind me had he just told false stories about me to my friends. What he did to my parents and my little daughter is far beyond my power of forgiveness.

I might have forgiven him as a wife, as his partner but it will take me forever to forgive him for what he has forced my parents and daughter to suffer cause of his greed.

The song on my mind: Hum bewafa hargiz na they ~ Shalimar