Lot has been written, said and even been portrayed in various forms of art about love, lust, hatred, heartache and the countless emotions that spring from one common seed ~Love.
I too have been in love. More correctly I am still in love, just the form of it all has changed over the years we’ve been together. Like I said before, I have always been a great believer in love and fairy tale romance. For a person like me when the love of her life deceived her, she thought she’ll lose her faith in love, but this hasn’t happened as yet.
I have had an arranged marriage. A typical one where your parents look for a suitable match for you, approach the groom’s family and the boy and the girl meet. The same sequence happened to me too. All felt fine. I didn’t have any set questionnaire in my mind and I was pretty flexible in my criteria of a prospective husband. Instead of longing for a tall-dark-handsome-rich combo, I wanted someone decent with common sense and who loved life just the way it was.
The boy said he’d be more than happy to have me for a lifetime in the short span of 5 minutes from the time our private chit-chat session started. Then everything rolled on a regular course of how Indian marriages usually happen. Years went past. Life felt OK but there was something just not right about everything going on. I was very much in love. So was he (as he still claims to be). We even created a beautiful daughter together. But then suddenly, something happened.
Realization dawned on me. He loved me. True. But, he loved money more than he ever loved me. It was a bitter pill, too hard to swallow. I tried my best to talk the situation through. Came up with countless possibilities that could give him the benefit of doubt. Anything that could prove me wrong was a welcome thought. But, nothing on those lines has happened so far. Days changed to weeks and have now changed to months. I am still thinking, unable to understand where has his share of love for me and our baby evaporated? How could a man not love his only child? how could he not be worried whether we live or die today?
I’d always thought, my love for him will soon change form. In no time I’ll start hating him. But, this hasn’t happened as yet. Even though our relationship is on the verge of a complete breakdown. I am at a point of no-return but still, I am able to forgive him (though after a lot of thought and enduring lot of pain).
Forgiveness gifted me with a feeling of liberation, I feel I can breathe easier than I could in the past so many months. But love refuses to leave me. I keep thinking and thinking how could I love a man who tried to ruin my and my baby’s life? The answer to it lies deep in my heart. It is not because he was my first love. It is not even because I want to go back to him.
It is because he gifted me with the most precious gift of my life. My baby.
I love my baby more than I love my life or anything in this world. It is this realization that made me succeed in forgiving him even after all he has been doing to us.
Forgiving someone for the pain he’s caused doesn’t always mean he’ll be left to do as he pleases. He will definitely have to pay for the pain he’s brought in our lives. I leave all those important tasks in the hands of the law, his karma and destiny. For I know it well, someday he’ll be genuinely sorry for all he’s done, but it will be too late by then.
Song on my mind: