Melting Point

Happiness is an attitude we act upon.  We either make ourselves miserable, or happier and stronger.  The amount of work is the same.

All my life I have been known for my optimistic approach to life and a warm smile. Not anymore. There are days in a row when I haven’t smiled even once. I’d like to clarify, here, by smiling I mean a happy smile and not a courteous one. I shower the latter pretty promptly many times a day.

The dried up smiles sure have been watermarked by tears that flow promptly these days. I dearly miss my lost smiles. No-matter how hard I try, smiling these days takes a conscious effort and I am sure, the effort shows.

When my (apparently) happy life started falling apart like a pack of cards, I had imagined the future to be difficult. I knew times would be trying. But, among every other chaos, deep within my heart, I had felt that with the love of my dear ones, I’ll surely sail through these rough waters.

Time ticked past. Like a journey in train, life, people, memories zipped past me as I struggled, stumbled yet moved on. But, today, while taking stock of my life, I realized, I am still sore deep inside. My cheeks are still water marked and my heart is still aching with raw pain.

It’s rightly said, people who are closest to you always hurt you the most. Something similar has been going on in my life. I am so miserable that I struggle to spend the 24 hour, everyday gifts me. I am growing bitter and brittle with each second. The negativity in my system is flowing above the danger level and my sanity is the long lost item.

* All details and more are coming up in my next post that will be password protected. If you do not receive the password within 6 hours of my publishing it, please drop me an email and I’ll be happy to share the password if you are a regular reader of my blog.

The song on my mind : Mere dukh ki koi dawa na karo ~ Chitra Singh & Jagjit Singh

Tough Times

Its been forever since I blogged or read any of the blogs I read regularly. The reason being a long list of stressful situations at my end that aren’t letting me feel quite myself.

To make things easier for me and to get the posts rolling out of my blocked mind, I’ll keep this post really short. I know it doesn’t really matter, but its more like convincing myself to finish this post real quick before being tempted to push it to the drafts.

I have hinted about it earlier too and I think it is now high time that I did a password protected post to talk about all the pain mum’s cancer has brought in our lives besides the obvious fear and agony. We did foresee a lot of it but the real magnitude of the emotional trauma harm done (by the extended family) is surmounting to something way bigger than what the cancer itself has done.

My energy levels are at their all time low, weight fluctuating to alarmingly low levels, with sleep and appetite two issues I really don’t want to touch upon. They both are long-lost and nowhere to be found. At any other point of time I’d be very happy to note that I now weigh much lesser than my pre-pregnancy weight, but in the given circumstances, my mirror image shocks me every single time.

I resemble an alien with dark circles defying my arguments that I am fine. My panic struck state is seen clearly painted on my face, each time I dare look at myself in the mirror, which luckily doesn’t happen too often.

Life seems to have been reading my blog religiously because in the past couple of months I have had almost all the questions I ever asked on this blog answered by life itself. It really amazes me at times, though I feel my fogged vision getting clearer with each passing second.

There is a big pile of updates on Pari that I have failed miserably to record on this blog, but finding time and energy to do so is quite a herculean task at the moment.

Details about all the above coming up real soon in successive posts.

On the happier note, today is the wonderful day when I had created this personal blog two years ago. I certainly feel we (that’s you my dear reader and myself) have come a very long, difficult way in these twenty-four months.

Thank you for being there and keeping me going. I promise this beautiful journey is here to continue for a very long time. To ensure that happens, do subscribe to this blog in one of the many ways you can find on your right hand side to ‘subscribe to updates’ from this blog.

The song on my mind: Tumse hi ~ Jab We Met

Sore

My heart is sore and so is my soul. There are so many painful happenings in and around my life that finding time to  scribble a post in full sense actually didn’t happen all this while.

I will be sharing greater details in the coming days but for now here’s the glimpse of the tip of the iceberg of what all has been happening at my end. After the successful surgery when we finally returned back home, things did look like going on a smooth sail for a few days before complications began.

My mother’s diabetes has been playing havoc with infection at the surgical site and gaping of the suture line due to infection. She is under care of the best specialists known to us, but somehow things haven’t been going as expected.

The handful of medicines she consumes with every meal wells up tears in our eyes besides seeing her in so much pain all day long. Yes, she is taking pain killers as and when necessary, but that doesn’t help when you are under excruciating pain on and off.

The misery doesn’t end there. Daily visits to the hospital for dressing are a very difficult journey to accomplish in the given circumstances. Besides, heavy rains in the past 72 hours have only made things very difficult.

It is rightly said misfortune never comes alone. While we are still struggling to learn to cope with the situation we are stuck in ever since my mother has been diagnosed with Breast Cancer, emotionally too things are on the down side.

Some major happenings in the family have only added to my mother’s emotional distress in her already battered state. I have been contemplating whether I should talk about the many issues we are facing on the family front on the blog. After much thought I think I should talk about it here (in posts coming soon) to help people understand cancer closely. How? details shall follow in the appropriate posts which I am not sure yet, but I might be writing about in a password protected post.

Pari has been coping better with the current circumstances ever since we returned back home. Though she can sense the many changes and restrictions that have been laid on her playing with her grandmother, she can be seen taking them all in good light at home than when we were in Delhi*.

As far as I am concerned, I am shaken, dead tired (already) and broken inside. While shouldering full responsibility of the home, Pari and my mother I feel fatigue and endless stress are taking a toll on my sanity and health.

Life is in its roughest phase at my end. I have so many problems and worries to address that finding time to read and respond to comments, emails, posts of my favorite bloggers or the books lying unread is beyond impossible.

I know, you’d be tempted to say, ‘this too shall pass’, though honestly I am not too sure about it this time.

The song on my find:  Ye kya jagah hai doston ~ Umrao Jaan

* Name of the place changed to protect identity.