Papa

This post has been written, edited and re-edited at least 257 times in my mind, before finally finding its way on my blog.

I have been postponing writing it, yet desperately wanted to get these emotions, insecurities and fears out of my mind to be able to continue living peacefully. This picture finally gave me the needed push.

Photo by Michelle Weber
Photo by Michelle Weber.

Ever since troubles loomed over my marriage with the sword of an impending divorce swinging on my neck, this thought has been haunting me. The thought of my daughter never having a father in her life. When I say so, I mean the biological father and not a father figure.

In moments of sanity I have full realisation that Pari has her grandfather who is the father figure better than her biological father could ever have been. But, still my subconscious was no way ready to let this thought slay the fears standing tall in my mind.

You can understand my apprehension from the fact that every time someone uttered ‘Papa’ with Pari around, a lump would form in my throat. I desperately wanted my daughter to be busy doing something she loves to not let her impressionable mind register the word. I know I sound like a lame escapist and I feel no shame in admitting it.

My angst resonates from the fact that I stopped addressing my father as ‘Papa’ and started calling him ‘Nana’ (grandpa) just as Pari should /does just to keep her from feeling she doesn’t have anyone to call papa.

I know many possible words of advice and wish to jolt me to see sense, are looming in your mind at this very moment. But, for now please hold your horses. With time, I have slowly begun seeing the futility of my escapist misadventures. I am gradually conquering my precariousness.

I do not deny the void having a single parent in life would create for my baby the minute she’ll be surrounded with friends who have two parents to look up to, to support and guide them. But, I am arming myself with a thought process that’ll guide Pari to see her position as being healthy and normal, surrounded by three parents (a mother, grandpa and grandma) instead of the usual two.

I want her to grow up with the understanding that not having a parent that’s a usual norm isn’t a handicap because he isn’t around by his personal choice and not a mishap. Acceptance of people’s choices that have a life changing impact on ours is a big lesson I am myself struggling to come to terms with. It is something I need to preach with the right approach and careful selection of words to help Pari see it in the good light.

I am not too sure about the efficacy of my approach that’s been nibbling at my conscience. Though, I know it well it is something that I need to face boldly, without letting this issue drive me insane and become a roadblock for my little angel’s emotional well-being.

Challenges of the life as a single parent only seem to multiply with each passing day, but working ahead of times often saves me from panic of finding right answers when I need them most.

If not for any other purpose, I am sure this post will surely help me look back in time, understand my thought process and take it forward from here whenever I will revisit this article.

The song on my mind: Akele hain to kya gum hai ~ QSQT


* The photo is part of the 1000 word challenge here.

9 thoughts on “Papa

  1. Relax sweetheart. You are over thinking it. Cross the bridge when you get to it. Pari is too young to understand all this at this point. But yes I do understand your apprehension. Hugs!

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  2. Yes you are right she has not two parents but three parents to look after her.. Keep this attitude and one day she will become a very bright child.. You write so beautifully.. I am sure all the challenges will look small in raising your child while she grows up to be a wonderful daughter.. Keep writing..!

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  3. Dont worry…You articulate pretty well in words.If not today over a period of time your daughter would be able to understand and accept her situation without blaming her parents.

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  4. She is growing in a peaceful and loving environment , I feel that’s the best think you can give it to your daughter than living to a abusive and at refuel relationship. I am sure Pari will thank you years later when she understand that. You are doing awesome please go keep it up .

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  5. ME.. I have not met a person who can think so clearly as you. Hugs to you. You tell us a problem and you tell us how its not a problem too! I am sure Pari wouldnt miss anything in her life with a mom like you.

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  6. Pingback: A Conversation with Myself | Escaping a Daydream

  7. I think how much you try you will have some difficulty in making her understand things. That is inevitable. But yes, all you can do is to try to do your best to make her understand things. As she grows up, she will have immense respect for you for all your efforts.

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