Every few months, my mind revisits the life I left behind.
The relationship that died with my divorce.
And every single time, my mind amazes me with a new belief, a new revelation, a new understanding of where my life is headed and what’s my standing in being at peace with myself.
From hating myself for not seeing the betrayal coming, to feeling relieved that I ended my marriage before it could end my life, to longing for the lost love, to wondering if my ex-husband ever missed our life together, I have reached a point in life where I am now constant with the thought that everything that was and is a part of my life is just how it was meant to be.
I am not surrendering to destiny.
Instead, I have come to see my evolution as the proof that no matter how long it has taken me to come to terms with this fact, but the person I am today, the person I am meant to be couldn’t have been possible without having the relationship I had with my ex-husband.
And yes, profound love, even if it was one-sided was also a necessary part of the scheme of things.
At first, my ex-husband’s indifference, his apathy used to send me into a fit of rage. I would curse myself as to why had I overlooked all the red flags because I well remember seeing them along the way.
However, as I embarked on the journey of changing the only person I could ever change, myself, I began to see this.
The man whom I had married believing him to be my soul mate, was indeed just that.
He wasn’t my perfect fit.
He wasn’t identical to me.
He wasn’t what I had EXPECTED him to be or to become.
He was a mirror.
The person who showed me everything that was holding me back.
He introduced me to my hidden strengths by pushing me to the rock bottom with the challenge, Survive If You Can!
He brought me to my own attention, so I could see the broken parts that were not letting me feel whole.
He was the one who tore down my walls of a false sense of security and smacked me awake,
So that I could find myself.
He came into my life to reveal another layer of myself to me, to push me into becoming who I could be, who I’m meant to be.
As much painful,
But it sure was a necessary part of my learning who I truly am.
Why bother going down the lane that I have left behind many years back?
I know common sense states that we shouldn’t spend time thinking about our past and the people who are no longer a part of our lives.
And it would be rather convenient to do so.
But I choose to not take that route because of a number of reasons.
I strongly believe that our thoughts are the foundation of our feelings that in turn guide our actions and our life as a whole.
If we keep burying all uncomfortable thoughts, negative emotions and unpleasant memories, in no time our minds would become a graveyard of demons that haunt us every now and then.
What if instead of running away from these uncomfortable thoughts and emotions, we surrender ourselves to experience them?
Wholeheartedly without reacting.
Share space with us.
Allowing them to pass through us.
It’s then that we might learn to exist in their presence.
It’s then that we might regain our power over these memories and emotions in a way that they no longer appear scary and fail to have any impact on our psyche.
I tried this after resisting the discomfort for years at length. It was when my will power gave up. I could no longer resist thinking about what my past meant for my life, that’s when my mind decided to take things in control.
I had to grow up emotionally to learn to take full responsibility for my thoughts and the feelings they caused.
And the best part of this exercise has been, today I can talk to my daughter about my past life, her father, the divorce and my life with her father without the slightest hint of anxiety. I know, I have made peace with my past and the pain it inflicted on me.
I have the answers that’ll help me move forward in life free from the fear of anyone from my painful past crossing my path.
It’s a feeling of immense relief.
It feels like a huge weight has been lifted off my chest.
Maybe this is why today I have no negative feelings for my ex-husband.
I wish him well in life.
My memories of the time we spent together no longer evoke any feelings in me.
He is nothing more than a stranger, I happened to know for a brief period of time.
I believe this has been my love for my ex-husband coming a full circle.
The love that gifted me, my precious child.
The love that kept me looking for the answers when my marriage died.
The love that let me set him free.
That love gifted me the strength to forgive him for everything that happened between us.
Maybe this is because,
It was always meant to be this way.
“To love everyone unconditionally does not mean to give everyone your unconditional time. Sometimes, to love completely, we must never see someone again.
This, too, is love.
This is giving someone the freedom to exist and be happy, even if it must be without you.”
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The song on my mind: Ek Main Aur Ek Tu ~ Khel Khel Mein