If you have read my earlier posts, you’ll be aware that I am on the verge of a divorce.
I know it sounds very simple in reading (something we hear about every now and then) but it has massive implications on the lives of people involved. In our case, the people who’ll be facing life-changing impact are me and my little daughter. By life-changing impact, I am not referring to the so-called social stigma or how will my parents face the society etc.etc. That kind of thought has no room in my mind or in the minds of my family.
The one person I am most worried about is my daughter. She is too young to even understand the importance of a father in her life (for unfortunately she hasn’t had an experience of his love as yet.
If you are wondering why, well that calls for another series of posts). I am not worried as to how will I manage taking care of all her needs or her brought up (for I will do whatever it takes for a now-single mum to take care of her baby). My point of concern is her emotional well-being.
I know she’ll miss having her father around during her growing up years. I totally understand how important fathers are for a child, for I have always been my dad’s darling. But at the same time, having a father around for the namesake who doesn’t even care whether his little girl is dead or alive doesn’t make any sense either. I have been stuck in those ifs and buts for a long time. The puzzle is impossible to solve. Hence I decided to go with the choices that feel appropriate to me.
Around 18 years from today, when my daughter will cease being a minor and will get an opportunity to know all that happened in the life of her mother, she might feel what I chose years ago wasn’t the best decision. But sweetheart, always remember all that your mum is doing at this point of time have you and only your well-being as her sole motive.
No matter what I might have to face, I’m determined to seek justice for the wrong that has been done to me. I trust the law of the land for that important yet mammoth task.
Coming back to the point from where we started, why I chose to forgive my husband despite the physical, emotional and financial pains he has inflicted on us?
I’m not trying to be great or brave by doing so. Neither it is easy to forgive nor it is wise to let him go off the hook without being punished for the wrongs he’s done. But, I am not the one who has to punish him for his deeds. He shall pay the price of his bad karma sooner or later.
No, I am not going to leave him at the mercy of the Almighty or the destiny, but the guard of our rights, the judicial system shall seek answers from him. I am determined to bring him to justice, yet I have decided to forgive him.
All this while when feelings of rage and revenge were hovering over my mind, I was having a very difficult time concentrating on anything else. Even taking care of my infant daughter felt like a herculean task.
When I sat at peace for sometime, reflected over all that has been going on, I realized how burdened my soul felt. I felt like a prisoner trapped in my own mind struggling to set free.
I was doing wrong with my little baby. Whatever mess we are in is in no way caused by her. Then why punish her by not taking good care of her, just because I am emotionally disturbed? When thoughts like these started filling my already broken heart with tints of mommy guilt, the mother in me decided to find a solution.
I had to let go of these destructive thoughts that sometimes even tempted me to finish myself for the sake of my charming princess. No matter what wrong my husband did to us, constantly thinking of causing pain to him was bringing sorrow to only two people, myself and my daughter and he still remained unaffected. The constant stress was harming me beyond words. My blood pressure levels which were expected to settle within normal range once I delivered my baby (after a series of complications during pregnancy) were at an all-time high. All this stress was doing good to no-one but was harming beyond words someone very innocent.
When no good was sought from all these negative vibes, I decided to set my soul free. I decided to forgive the man who gifted me with the love of my life, the reason why I want to live this life to the fullest ~ my daughter.
Ever since I’ve convinced myself that I forgive him and will no longer let his thoughts cloud my mind, I can see a sea change in my relationship with my daughter. I am able to enjoy every little moment feeling our bond blossom. So many precious little joys were earlier slipping past my hands only because my mind was always preoccupied with thoughts of revenge.
Forgiveness is not saying, “What you did to me is okay.”
It is saying, “I’m not going to let what you did to me ruin my happiness forever.
Life definitely looks brighter, easier and more promising on this side of forgiveness. This is the reason why I chose to forgive him and let the law of the land seek justice for me.
Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much. – Oscar Wilde
The Song on my mind: