I have confessed earlier that I have cleared my heart and forgiven him for all that happened between us. As the time is drawing close to the moment when I’ll be challenging him before the law, memories of the times we’ve spent together tiptoed in my system.
Memories can have life changing influences in our lives and sometimes have decision changing impact too. Luckily I managed to survive without any alterations in my plan to bring him to justice. The fond and not so fond memories did fill me with a moment when a faint thought made me feel the gravity of the situation, that once the lawyers and courts will come in picture all of it will end for good.
That’s exactly what I had been wanting, but still the feeling of losing it all finally was disturbing me to extreme limits. The home that I had built so lovingly no longer existed and the pain of losing it despite my endless efforts to save it was immense. It wasn’t just a moment but a feeling that has been making me weak somewhere deep.
To be honest, I know what it is. My heart is in pain after the betrayal it has suffered. A man who’d promised me to be by my side no matter what life threw our way ditched me at times (yes, more than once) when I needed him most.
It isn’t my love for him, it is the hurt of the way it is all ending.Tears often refuse to abide my mind’s orders and roll down at times I am actually having fun with my little girl. Babies can be surprisingly sensitive to the emotions people around them show. They might not have the experience to guide them but their innocent souls can often impeccably pick up the positive/negative vibes in the surroundings. At all such times when I am too worried or moody I can see my daughter look at me questioningly. No matter how much I fake being happy, she can literally read my mind.
I have been lost in the ifs and buts in the final moments before I actually file a lawsuit. It was tough, very confusing and emotionally draining. My life was lost in the dark shadows cast by the thick clouds of doubt and confusion, just when a thought that changed it all struck me.
I wasn’t ending it all by filing a lawsuit. My marriage and any possibility of us three living together happily had ceased the moment my husband had decided to stop worrying about us. The moment he put his own selfish interests before our lives, left us to suffer without any resources at hand (despite the savings I’d kept just for the day when we’ll have a baby), didn’t worry whether we lived or died.
These are philosophical ideas, but hold deep meaning if given thought. It’s hard to live with negative vibes encircling you 24×7. It always pays to stop, relax and reflect over all that has been going on around you. Life often gives subtle hints as to how we can make our lives simpler and lead them with a more optimistic note.
The Song on my mind: