When I went to watch Dear Zindagi, I had Pari in tow despite full knowledge of the fact that she would find the movie boring. But, at the back of my mind I know how much she enjoys our outings together and watching a movie featuring Shah Rukh Khan which also has a song (Love you Zindagi) that she loves inspired me to take her along.
As expected, there was nothing much in the movie to keep her entertained and all the while she was busy with her giant tub of popcorn.
However, today I chose to discuss the movie with her. All this while she had stood her ground that she quite liked the movie and I was very curious to know what exactly she liked because it was no way obvious during the time we were in the theatre.
I started with sharing insights on what all was shown in the movie, gently touching upon how Kaira (Alia’s character) was troubled in her life and was facing sleepless nights (I deliberately avoided going into the details of depression) and how she sought help.
All this while Pari was listening to me with full attention. Once I was done, she said;
“Mamma, I have seen you cry, get angry, spend sleepless nights and worry just like Alia did in the movie. All through the movie I was thinking how much everything Alia was going through resembled what you used to do.”
Needless to say, Pari now had my full attention and I was working hard at keeping my jaw from falling to the floor.
I gently probed, “And what else you observed?”
To which Pari replied, “Maybe if Shah Rukh Khan could come and talk to you like he did to Alia you too will run, sing and dance like Alia did in the movie.”
Oh well! Of course Shah Rukh Khan (or perhaps the psychologist that he played)paying a visit would heal anything (okay, almost anything) but this conversation left me wondering with a heap of unsettling thoughts.
Kids observe things far more than what we give them credit for and understand things we feel are beyond their know how. While I was touched by my child’s observation skills, what I was left wondering was, have I healed (from depression) the way I think I have?
And I just can’t shrug off the hurt I felt when what my 5-year-old could see, my parents refused to note despite having watched the movie sitting inches away from me. Or perhaps, they too noted but chose to continue living in denial that their daughter too needs/needed therapy to get rid of her emotional baggage.
Like many wise people have suggested, I will leave the extent of my healing be judged by my child because it is her who watches and experiences the person I am up close and first-hand.
The song on my mind: Ae zindagi gala laga le ~ Sadma